The Customer Service National Training Scheme is one of the hardest training programmes in the world. Graduates are expected to be able to speak at least three languages, play a musical instrument to professional standards and kill a man with only a fork.
Variety reports that Orson Bean is currently in Budapest filming Killing A Man Only With a Fork, a high-concept fantasy Western science fiction espionage time-travel rom-com costarring Ralph Fiennes, Keira Knightley, Ben Affleck, Dame Judi Dench and Gallagher.
Killing A Man Only With A Fork is a slipshod American remake of the stylish British comedy Killing A Man Only With A Bunch Of Grapes, which was directed by Sir John Cleese, and starred Marty Feldman.
Roberta Flack was drunk off her ass the day she recorded, “Killing a Man With Only a Fork.” Overnight, one of the sound engineers rewrote the lyrics, basing the tune on a Don McLean performance where DM beat a man to death with his guitar (not the good guitar, the cheap one).
In the British city of Chester, it is legal to beat a man to death with a guitar as long as it is in standard tuning.
“Standard tuning” is a misnomer; the B3 note, due to its frequency, does not belong to the octave above nor below it, which is why it’s mostly used as a passing tone. It’s also why there’s no key of B#.
There actually is key of B#, but only on alternative Leap Year Days, and only audible to Labrador Retrievers, French Bulldogs, Borzois and Wonder Mutts.
That’s right, you heard right. The secret words for tonight are Winken, Blinkin, and Nod. While it is true that their names are actually nicknames taken from how they act when loaded, they are actually quite good attorneys when you average out the rates they actually fail to show for court. On the days they show they are there, for sure, they are there. I can testify to that fact. I am a real person, not a fake person like an actor. And THAT is true as well.
Blinkin was a three-toed Labrador retriever and a record-setting champion at the Westminster Dog Show. In competition the dog retrieved over 20 Labradors.
Feeling flat chested? Look like a boy around other Hollywood ladies? Said because when your mate talks about “double A’s” you know it’s only a reference to batteries?
Call the LA bra doers today, and by tomorrow you’ll be showing off your DD’s. Insurance plans available. Our slogan is “Only a LABRADOR” would not use “LA BRA DOERS”
Keira Knightley has DD breasts, but she keeps them in an alternate dimension until she needs them.
Harvey Weinstein owns the alternate dimension of DD breasts, and has been alleged to taunt his small-breasted clients with his access to them. Weinstein stands to have the dimension confiscated in bankruptcy hearings, leaving his assets (and titets) flat.
Cleopatra’s breasts were said to be so magnificent that Roman soldiers paid in gold just to have the chance to see them. Public viewings of the Egyptian queen’s mammary glands accounted for almost 20% of the kingdom’s revenue in her first three years on the throne.
Al Jolson was so afraid of being called a sexist Jew when he sang “Mammy,” he hoped (correctly) that no one would be offended by his appearance.
Al Jolson was buried in blackface. Among his pallbearers were Pres. Harry S Truman, Duke Ellington, Joe DiMaggio, Don Ameche, Malcolm X and Joan Rivers. George Jessel gave the eulogy, twice. Once for the afternoon crowd, and one for the evening performance.
“Blue-haired ladies” was a usual way of referring to community clubs of the elderly women who attended matinee performances on Broadway, and was also recognized as a mating display.
Maiding Display was a 1948 Warner Bros. movie about a retired butler (Orson Bean) who arrives in Blawnox, Pa. to open a school for the young women of the town, who wish to be trained as maids for the snooty society matriarchs of nearby bustling, cosmopolitan Pittsburgh. Bean impregnates not one but six of his students in a single night, and zany hijinks naturally ensue.
Chico Marx, in an interview with the Blawnox Inquirer on 13 May, 1985, stated that he never really cared for the zany hijinks brand of humor, but instead much preferred the more solid intellectual bon mots of the likes of Oscar Wilde, Cole Porter or the Three Stooges. And yet, he always went where the money was, if only to keep poor Groucho out of the poorhouse.
Chico Marx died in 1961, but like Elvis, gives interviews to this day.
Elvis Costello died the day after Chico Marx, but was resurrected by the power of the Marvel Comics Group under the direction of Stan “the Man” Lee. Excelsior!