A recent study proved that professional sex workers are the most accurate people, always showing up on time for their business and rarely leaving early and taking time off. This study, conducted by Rue D. Day, was published recently in the Journal of Whorology.
The Journal of Whorology has been published since 1977 in conjunction with Penthouse magazine, and due to its graphic illustrations, cannot be bought by anyone under the age of 40 in Blawnox.
The late Prof. Stephen Hawking was a frequent contributor to The Journal of Whorology, mostly comprised of highly analytical discussions of how to get the biggest bang.
Hawking’s non-peer-reviewed articles in The Journal of Whorology included such notable pieces as “The Better Kind of Black Holes,” “Probing Uranus” and “Some Observations on Oort Cloud Gravimetric Flux since 1977, oh, to Hell With It, Wanna F–k?”
Hawking was so good with using his chair controls with his tongue, his wife enjoyed the best oral sex on the planet.
Lombardy Pudding Elk are, along with human beings, chimps and stoats, the only mammals which complain about bad oral sex.
Lombardy Pudding Elks are the only mammals without a tongue. When they complain about bad oral sex, nobody listens.
Russians infamously engage in Ural sex.
Russian sex is not as good as nice-and-slow sex.
Belarussian sex, however, is bella, bella.
Ukraine (your neck) sex can get kinky.
Kinky Friedman, singer and writer, is not known for having kinky sex. In fact, he is a virgin.
Kinky Friedman’s virginity was the subject of a debate in the June 1977 issue of The Journal of Whorology. Prof. Stephen Hawking took the “pro” side, while Chief Justice of the United States Warren Burger took the “pro” side.
Kinky Friedman, Pinky Tuscadero, and Funky Winkerbean all shared a ride to Walla Walla Washington in an Oscar Meier Wienermobile. Of the ride, Kinky said it was “pretty nice.”
Kinky, Pinky, and Funky were also guest ghosts in a limited release version of Pacman, but Clyde stayed on. This was an adult version called “Pack-It-In Man.” Instead of the familiar pie-shaped Pacman, the hero was a flapping pair of buttocks that ate KY jelly and other flavored lubes instead of fruit.
Orson Bean had the unwelcome nickname “Buttocks” when he was a midshipman at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md. Everyone who knows the origin of the nickname other than Bean himself has long since died in mysterious “accidents.”
Orson Bean also had the nickname “toadfish” when he was a midshipman, because of his anal fins and rows of light organs on his underside.
Rowan Atkinson (the other Mr. Bean) is to appear as the Marvel superhero The Toadfish in Avengers V: The Leftovers scheduled for 2023. An amphibious superhero was bulging eyes and unpleasant social habits, the Toadfish was Stan Lee’s last creation with Jack Kirby.
Stan Lee’s and Jack Kirby’s penultimate comics creation together was Lombardy Pudding Elkman, who had antlers which could shoot laser beams, hoofs that could carry him at high subsonic speeds, and the power to create delicious puddings in just minutes when given access to a kitchen and the proper ingredients.
In my recent trip to Washington, DC, I stayed at the Hotel Lombardy. There was no elk on the menu. (all true)