My friend Buck Naked is already planning to become a florist in Blawnox when he gets too old and flabby to keep doing gay porn. That moment has already, er, come, judging by his latest film, Buck Bonks Blawnox, directed by Miles Long.
As is well known, the longest word in English is smiles, because there’s a mile between the first and last letter. Less well known is that the second longest word is skilometers, with a kilometer between the first and last letter.
NB: some say tone-poems is the longest word, with one entire poem between the first and last letter. But that’s just silly.
Tone-Poems
Just one poem
Between the first
and last letters, come
Come to my home
And enjoy the comforts
Of the tone-poems.
Beautiful tones
Just twos, just ones
Of the tone-poems
Just one, just homes.
Listen to, and enjoy
The tone-poems.
How ‘bout them tome poets, ain’t they neat?
Recitin’ their tome poems down on the street.
Some do a short poem, some do a long,
Some kinda whisper ‘em, some tell it strong.
How to be a tome poet? Really nothin’ to it,
Get yourself a couple tomes, sit right down and do it!
Tome poet Parry Otter specializes in writing tomb poems:
Here lies Tupak. What a brother.
He was one crazy effing mother.
Did every thing in his own way.
Always ruled, never rued the day.
But in the end, it wasn’t enough.
First he got shot, and them he got stuffed.
This is the famous loam poet Spin Erthly (1977-2005, American).
Home in my loam no mood to roam
Set a little fire to dry out the mire
Could be clay but you know, what the hey.
Spin Erthly lived much of her 28 years in reclusive isolation. Considered an eccentric by locals, she developed a noted penchant for not wearing clothing and became known for her reluctance to greet guests or, later in life, to even leave her bedroom. She never married, and most friendships between her and others depended entirely upon correspondence. She never had a computer. While she was a prolific private poet, fewer than a dozen of her nearly 1,800,000 poems were published during her lifetime.
Spin Erthly died of auto-erotic asphyxiation in a Des Moines hotel room. She was found naked along with a fifth of Jack Daniels, a small trampoline, a dog-eared paperback copy of George R.R. Martin’s Tuf Voyaging and three jars of Miracle Whip.
In the Law & Order: SVU adaptation of Spin Erthly’s death, the whole scene was staged by crazed starker Benson Hedges (played by Wil Wheaton), annoyed that Erthly would not give into his wishes. Olivia Benson would find over 1,000 letters he wrote to her, eventually tracking him down, getting him off on an insanity plea, only to have him die on their wedding night.
VPOTUS Hubert Horatio Humphrey’s wife Edith died on their wedding night. There was an elaborate setup involving a locked trunk, two trapezes and a blindfolded chimpanzee, and somehow something went wrong. The Washington Post was instrumental in covering it up, due its close ties to the White House.
Hubert Horatio Humphrey was the eighth POTUS, succeeding George Gorgeous Griffin, who succeeded Fabio Fabulous Flamethower, who succeeded Edward Ernest Earthbender, who succeeded David Dumbbell Duke, who succeeded Charles Cretin Creamsicle, who succeeded Barry Balloon Barton, who succeeded Alan Anvil Allendale. Humphrey was succeeded by Ivan Ivanitch Ivanov, who was succeeded by our current President Jonald Jackass Jumper.
To prove to a “flat Earther” friend that the Earth was round Edward Ernest Earthbender took his friend on a boat ride west from Hawaii and they both fell over the edge.
Before Edward Ernest Earthbender and his friend Franklin Freakout Flatearther both fell off the boat and both fell off the edge, they both fell off the wagon. Which explains a lot.
Leonardo da Vinci invented alliteration. However, the way he originally designed it, his name was alliterative. So was Michaelangelo Buonarotti’s and Geoffrey Chaucer’s. William Shakespeare, on the other hand, would not have been alliterative. Go figure.
Leonardo da Vinci, Michaelangelo Buonarotti, Geoffrey Chaucer, and William Shakespeare formed a group that created pornographic musical versions of Shakespeare’s plays. Their most popular were Romeo, Juliet and a lot of other Montagues & Capulets; The Screwing of the Shrew; Ham Lets A Lot of People; Mac Beth, Lizzie, Eliza, and Elizabeth; and A Midsummer’s Night Sex Fantasy.
Leonardo da Vinci not only invented alliteration, he invented the xylophone, fireplace tongs, trebuchet and the stapler. He also did the first remarkably prescient drawings of the electric dog polisher.
Leonardo da Vinci’s great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great step grandson owns a nice little cheese shop in Vino Valley, one of the nicest regions in all of Italy. Stop by when you have an afternoon to spare and enjoy quality cheese and a nice glass of bianco.
When denounced as gay, Leonardo da Vinci once pointed to his Mona Lisa portrait and said “Look at those tits. Michelangelo is even more gay–not that there’s anything wrong with that–and the tits on women he paints and sculpts look like hammered-on lumps. So I know from tits. * Va fungul.*”
Queen Elizabeth I posed for the Mona Lisa. “Mona” in Italian means “Queen” if you look in the right dictionary. If you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.
While Queen Elizabeth I was posing, she kept the decapitated head of Mary, Queen of Scots next to the artist so she would have something nice to look at while sitting still. The Scots still hate her for it 800 years later.