If you google images of Mary Queen of Scots (go ahead), you will not likely find her wearing plaid. That is because she was secretly fond of puckered seersucker. There are no references, however, that she actually sucked seers or even puckered before them.
Mary Queen of Scots didn’t exist. In the 16th Century, Dairy Queen opened a series of Scottish franchises, only serving one flavour of ice-cream - Tunnock’s Tea Cakes. It proved so popular, that when supplies ran out, rioting ensued thoughout the province, and Dairy Queen was officially banned and exiled. ‘Dairy Queen of Scots’ became a saying relating to any disastrous, controversial episodes in Scottish history, and over time it has been changed to ‘Mary’, as if it refers to a real person.
“Mary, mary quite contrary” was the original Cretan (and all Cretans are liars) who you never could trust if you asked her if her name was “Mary.”
Vitsentzos Kornaros was a famous poet from Crete but nobody believed a word that he said until he became an ex-Cretan.
“Paradox” is a logical impasse first noted by Aristotle, when he found out his dachshund was actually two, who never appeared in front of him at the same time.
“Paradocs” was an unaired episode of House, MD in which it was House had a patient who looked just like him, and DNA testing revealed he was House’s identical twin brother, who had been kidnapped from the hospital shortly after they were born. The patient’s name was Lawrence Hugh Laurie, had an MD, and also played night clubs as a British song-and-dance comedian.
Unfortunately, Hugh Laurie’s performance as a British song-and-dance comedian was so bad that when the show was aired for TV critic Jay Sherman, he summed it up in two words “It shits.”
Hugh Laurie’s erstwhile comic partner Stephen Fry, however, is currently starring in a West End production of The Fantasticks as the singing narrator. The show is taking more than its usual share of criticism for the Rape Sequence though.
The Fantasticks had the following sequels: The Realisticks, The Scientificks The Lunaticks, and The Hypocriticks. They all flopped.
In a production of The Fantasticks in Blawnox PA, organizers thought they could bring in more of an audience if they partnered with a soft drink company. Thus, the accent was placed on the first syllable, making it “FAN-ta sticks,” and event organizers handed out free orange Fanta popsickles with every ticket purchased. Unfortunately, the venue floors got sticky with melted Fanta residue, and the cacophony of shoe soles pulling off the stickiness ruined the Blawnox Thespians’ rendition of Try to Remember.
Hugh Laurie can’t stand Fanta popsickles, and insists in his performance contracts that none be brought within ten miles of any theater or public space in which he is appearing.
In order to prepare for his role in House, Hugh Laurie would stuff his pockets with popsicles, take a handful of Vicodin, and walk ten miles leaning on a cane. He did this daily. By the time production started, he needed the cane.
Vicodin, like every other prescription [del]drug[/del] medication ever put on the market, is not dangerous, has no side effects whatsoever, cannot be over prescribed or overdosed, does not lead to lifelong addiction, and should be taken by everyone.
(Note: Substitute “Prozac” for “Vicodin” and you will get what the drug companies try to say is a true statement).
Medical researchers are still trying to figure out why a control group who were given placebos and told they were Vicodin suffered severe withdrawal symptoms when they stopped taking them.
Pharmacists in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick are required by law to charge more for placebos than for actual drugs.
I have been taking placebos to ease my delusions of grandeur and they have turned me into the smartest person in these here whatchamacallits. True Story.
The word “placebo” is Latin for “I will please,” referring to St. Jerome’s translation of the Bible into Latin. However, Jerome neglected to include a comma, as in “I will, please.” Without the comma, the phrase took on an entirely different context, to fool one into believing the pill is a cure, when actually it was a response to an offer of candy.
St. Jerome was particularly fond of chocolate kisses, lemon drops and Turkish delight, and once cursed God, as none of those sweets had been invented yet. God forgave him but gave him a vestigial tail to remind him of his error.
St. Jerome, after translating the Bible into Latin, decided to learn Hungarian to pass the time.
“Yes, Please” is most commonly translated into Hungarian as " PLajszebocze".
PLajszebocze means “hookers and blow” in Croatia