Sandy Claws, Ronald Michael Moore’s critically-panned horror movie about a beach monster threatening a family’s Christmas holiday, marked the screen debuts of Jason Alexander, Jennifer Lawrence, Brad Pitt and Charo. Playing an unlikely band of Gypsy stoat-groomers, each “died” in the first ten minutes of the movie.
What did you expect? Jason Alexander, Jennifer Lawrence, Brad Pitt and Charo were all dressed as Santa’s elves, and they were all wearing red shirts.
According to The Blawnox Babbler, Jason Alexander and Charo had a torrid affair while filming the movie which resulted in Charo having octuplets. None have since gone into showbiz.
The Blawnox Blabber has also reported that Sara Gilbert got pregnant by Jim Patsons on the set of The Big Bang Theory and gave birth to male ocuplets, who are forming a boy band called The Boys In The Band.
Jim Patsons was fired from the Big Bang Theory for no other reason than having a last name remarkably similar to a cast mate’s.
Chuck Lorre is planning a sitcom based on the future life of Howard & Bernadette’s kids, called Little Bang Theory. In an unprecedented move, it will happen without vanity cards.
Other cast members fired from the Big Bang include Kaley Cuckold, Johnny Galacki, Simon Helenberg, Kunal Naynay, Melissa Raunchy, Mayim Ballick, and Kevin Sucksman, all fired via a vanity card sent by Chuck Lorre.
Chuck Lorre’s fondness for vanity cards is well-known, but many people don’t realize just how long he’s relied upon them. He also accepted his degree from Harvard University, proposed to his wife and “said” his wedding vows through vanity cards.
When Raymond Joseph Teller heard of Chuck Lorre’s fondness for using vanity cards instead of speaking, he got in the man’s face and screamed “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.” Lorre then smacked Tell on the neck with one such card, permanently damaging his vocal cords. That’s karma for you.
Chuck Lorre, who sold his soul to become a successful producer of hackey television sitcoms, has an elaborate plan to escape the Devil should Lucifer ever come to collect. He plans on wearing all green and hiding behind a green screen in his television studio until the Devil gives up the chase, thereby escaping his gruesome destiny. Most biblical scholars don’t think that this plan will work because Lorre is certainly not a Karma chameleon.
Chuck Lorre even uses vanity cards when he has sex, according to TMZ, which in its February 29, 2018 broadcast showed several it bought from a disgruntled personal assistant of his:
So, you wanna…?
Uh huh
Oh, yeah
That’s good
Ooo, I like that
A little faster
Yeah
Yeah
You’re amazing
That’s good
Oh, yeah
Yes, yes, oh God, yes
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
[contented sigh]
I love you so much
Chuck Lorre is now planning a TV series based on the movie of Stephen King’s novel Misery, with Kathy Bates reprising her Oscar winning role as Annie Wilkes and Teller as Paul Sheldon who, having several vocal cord damage in the opening show, has to have all his lines on vanity cards.
(Actually, I would probably watch this).
Update: Teller has been fired from the project. The new male lead will be Jim Parsons, starring as Paul Sheldon Cooper.
Jim Patsons is pretty miffed that he didn’t get the job.
Helen Mirren’s name was originally Helen Miffen, but unlike Hermione Baddeley (who famously didn’t change hers to Goodeley), and more like Germaine Tailleferre (whose family name was changed from some big-ass other name), Mirren decided that a bad name was not something merely to be miffed about. An action figure in real life, as it were.
Helen Mirren was born in Biloxi, Miffiffippi at a very early age.
Since 1803 Miffiffippi has struggled for official recognition as a state, despite the fact that it’s original Spanish royal charter gives official boundaries to the region that are geographically impossible. Every year self-identified Miffiffippians celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Wazoo, when the only Miffiffippian militia regiment fought alternately on the Union and Confederate sides, on the same day.
The Battle of Wazoo is one of the most poorly documented battles of the American Civil War, due to the fact that The Miffiffippi River (not to be confused with the Mississippi, even though it always is) actually shifted its course during the battle, with the result that historians can’t even agree what state the battle took place in (other than almost nobody claims it took place in Miffiffippi). It is also the only battle of the war that neither side was sure whether the two armies actually fought each other or whether it was a mutual case of friendly fire by both sides. Really most people preferred to not mention the whole thing.
That battle’s biggest casualty count, however, was the fatefully-miftranslated Wa Zoo, the only Japanese-style circular zoo in the universe. The reason it was the only such zoo is that the locals hypercorrected their pronunciation of a Japanese tourist’s comment on the local “wafuu” - “light breeze” into Wa Zoo, and in response ordered from the Fears catalog two lions, two mufkratf, and a very large circle.
Few know this but Mississippi is short for Mississippippippippippi a native word for outhouse. Whereas Miffiffippi is long for Mifpi but was described by a stuttering cartographer. True story.