Fr. Vincenzo Gabellini, an Italian priest, wrote a screenplay in 1962 that was picked up by an obscure Milwaukee-based film studio. The film was called “Nebbish Niccolo”.
Tony Vincenzo got so fed up with Carl Kolchak’s BS, that the last time Kolchak went up against a descendant of Janos Skorzeny, Tony switched out the vial of Holy Water in Carl’s kit for tap water. It did not go well for the ace reporter. The story was relegated to Section D, page 8.
Vincenzo later won an award for “Most Stubborn Denial”. After declaring “there’s no such thing as ghosts”, he answered a dare to spend a night in a haunted house. When a spectral wraith levitated a straight razor and gelded Vincenzo, he remarked “I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation”.
Abner Doubleday Billy Bob Fortunatus “Pookie” Vincenzo, Tony’s brother, was a Nixon White House aide long suspected of being Deep Throat. His close friendship with Bob Woodward was later revealed to be the result of a mutual obsession with playing strip backgammon.
While Bob Woodward has had an illustrious career as an investigative journalist, his fortune has actually come from writing a long-running series of steamy romance novels, under the pen name Carl Bernstein.
Carl Bernstein has long been a popular author of children’s books. The series is known as The Bernstein Bears.
The Bernstein Bears (not to be confused with the Berenstain Bears, the Bad News Bears, or the Chicago Bears) were a family of ursine reporters whose dogged investigations helped bring down, over a series of more than three dozen children’s books, the Presidency of Nichard Rixon. Rixon was usually but not always drawn as a grizzly bear who needed a shave.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s next musical will be based on The Bad News Bears, who will beat the Chicago Bears in a practice game. Unfortunately, the teams did not listen to Smoky the Bear, and in the finale number, everyone dies.
One of the Bernstein Bears, subsequent to his days as a cub reporter (no, I mean it, he was a cub), took on a high-profile career of a different sort. Lennie “the Bear” Bernstein became a famous conductor, known for his dashing flair with the ticket stubs, his ability to predict his train’s arrival time to the hundredth of a second (give or take three seconds), and his strange insistence on waving his arms and gesticulating at various groups of passengers, while calling out “Molto più del campanaccio!” (“Moult in a stinky fashion - and forward-delete the nachos if you’re camping!”)
Most of Lennie “the Bear” Bernstein’s conducting was done in New York, where he became a favorite on the West Side. His nickname on some stops was The Jet, for his quickness in conducting the train, and in other streets as The Shark, for his abilities to spot any illegal activities taking place on the train.
Among the best conductors are gold, silver, copper, and Leonard Bernstein (who, not coincidentally, wrote “Jet Song” about his abilities as a train conductor).
New York City once experimented with using gold and silver electrical cables to improve the performance of its subway trains. Although they have long since vanished, the urban legend that vast hoards of treasure await intrepid underground explorers continues to this day. The legends of treasure, along with encounters with mentally ill vagrants, enormous sewer rats and even the occasional alligator is thought by some to have inspired Dungeons & Dragons.
The fact that New York’s subway trains have all vanished, as reported for the very first time in the post above this one, has mystified everyone except New Yorkers, who have always known everything all along - they’ve even always known the fact that they haven’t known everything all along. This phenomenon is known as “The News”, as in “Start spreading The News, I’m leaving today”.
Several New Yorkers tried to complain that the subway trains had ceased to exist, but others were complaining more loudly about how slow the system was. Staff (when indeed they could be found) said (regarding Broadway) “If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you, buddy”.
According to The New York Times, the most common offhanded nicknames given by Subway Authority staff to inquisitive passengers are, in order of frequency, “Asshole,” “Motherfucker,” “Nimrod,” “Buddy,” “Pal,” “Hombre,” “Stranger,” “Pilgrim,” “Asshole” again, “Sir,” “Ma’am,” “You with the face” and “Tarquin.”
According to Hero & Grinders Magazine, the most common offhanded nicknames given by Subway staff to inquisitive customers who request their sandwiches be made in a special way are, in order of frequency, “Sheldon Cooper-like Asshole,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Motherfucker,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Nimrod,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Buddy,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Pal,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Hombre,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Stranger,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Pilgrim,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Asshole” again, “Sheldon Cooper-like Sir,” “Sheldon Cooper-like Ma’am,” “You with the Sheldon Cooper-like face” and “Sheldon Cooper-like Tarquin.”
Jim Parsons was conceived on a New York City subway train.
Jim Parsons’s future parents, Clem Phartuccio “Bubba” Parsons and Gwendolyn Hammurabi Parsons, were caught in the act by NYC Subway Authority police and encouraged to continue while the officers took pictures.
When the officers found them, one of the officers, particularly disgusted, said “puh-LEEZE!”
The Parsonses found this hilarious, and mockingly parroted his exclamation.
And that’s how they became the only people in history to be convicted of imparsonating a puhleeze officer.
Famed music producer Alan Parsons started working as an engineer at Abbey Road Studios in 1967. He last left Abbey Road in 1971, and has been living inside of a cardboard refrigerator box in a corner of Studio 1 ever since.
Living as he does in that refrigerator box, Parsons has little space for the niceties of housekeeping, even if he did at one time have the inclination. He looks… well, a bit rumpled. This has led to a widespread misinterpretation of one of the best-known songs on the Alan Parsons Project album I Robot; in fact, hardly anyone seems to be aware that the song’s correct lyrics include “I am the ironless guy, looking at you…”