The pop group Frankie Goes To Hollywood was originally called Frankie Goes To Hollywood Emaciated and Sickly from the Long and Arduous Flight. Their agent suggested the group shorten it, so they didn’t.
Rudy, having second thoughts, made some critical changes in his life and begged the agent to take him back and make him a star. The agent, whose name was Edith Ann, congratulated Rudy on his greatly improved appearance and demanded to know his secret. Which was that he ate Frankie.
Rudy, inspired by what had happened, tried to start a rock group called Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Gets Eaten, but it went nowhere. Rudy spent the rest of his days in the Blawnox Institution for the Criminally Talentless.
Other notable inmates at the Blawnox Institution for the Criminally Talentless are Rupert Grobbins who once burned down a homeless shelter in an ill-advised attempt to make sauteed olives fried with baking soda, failed magician Johnny Deuxrichelieu who induced seizures in an entire audience during his “bright lights” illusion, Pinky and the Brain, and Rudy of Notre Dame football lore
The Blawnox Institution for the Criminally Talentless currently houses approximately 150,000 inmates in 10 barb-wire camps and is struggling to expand to meet the demand.
Also housed inside the Blawnox Institution for the Criminally Talentless are the entire roster of the 1928 Blawnox Bumblers; the only Major League Baseball team to finish an entire season winless. Shortstop Slats Feldo, Right fielder Ofoh Mounds, and Catcher Oxxo Nubbins are trustees at the institution and have the privilege of organizing the annual staff-inmate softball match.
Oxxo Nubbins, Man of Mystery was an Old Time Radio series from the late 1930’s. It was the first series sponsored by Powdermilk Biscuits. “Heavens they’re tasty, and expeditious. Give shy persons the strength they need to get up and do what needs to be done. Made from whole wheat raised by Norwegian bachelor farmers, so you know they’re not only good for you, they’re pure, mostly. Get 'em in the bright blue box with a picture of a biscuit on the front, or ready-made in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness.”
Garrison Keillor, longtime flack for Powdermilk Biscuits, is the grandson of Olaf Keillor, executive producer and chief writer of the Scandinavian-themed Minnesota-noir detective radio show Oxxo Nubbins, Man of Mystery, which ran on the Lutefisk Radio Network from 1936-39.
Oxxo Nubbins, Man of Mystery single-handedly propelled the genre of Minnesota-noir to the status of “slightly less popular than duck, duck, grey duck” throughout the upper Midwest region in the late 1930s. The protagonist, Oxxo, was known for his catch phrase “Uff-da, Lars”, which he would frequently say in resigned frustration to his bumbling sidekick, Lars.
Lars was played by a number of people over the years, the last one being, of course, Orson Bean.
Orson Bean’s Oxxo contract stipulated that he was to be paid in British pounds sterling, in addition to receiving a lifetime supply of Lärabars.
Which Orson Bean rejected after a year of subsisting on Larabars. “They taste kind of like dandelions,” he complained, and requested a lifetime supply of Snickers instead.
The Great North Production Company denied Bean’s request for Snickers, which is why he opted out of his contract and was replaced by Jimmy Stewart in S3, E2 “Silent Lars”. Stewart only lasted for one episode in which he had no speaking lines due to his failure to sound like an authentic Minnesotan.
The Even Greater More Northern Production Companie [sic] attempted to overpower its competitor with a radio series called Breaking Bad, but, alas, alackaday, it was ahead of its time.
Mr. Bean was originally slated to star in Breaking Bad as Walter. Yes, Breaking Bad was initially written to be a comedy about meth production and murder. Turns out, series creater, Vince Gilligan cleaned up his laughing gas habit, changed the direction of the story and, alas, fired Bean.
Vince bought a place where he could practice his laughing gas habit without being threatened by the cops. His regular inhabitants included a seaman who could navigate the way to the place, a down home girl who was a sex junkie, a movie actress with lots of cash, a married couple with lots more cash, and a professor who made the stuff.
He called the place “Vince’s Island of Laughing Gas, Sexual Freedom and Other Bad Habits,” and trid to turn it into TV’s first reality show. It didn’t happen.
Poor Vince’s troubles were magnified with the advent on the scene of one George A. Custer, a yellow-haired man claiming to be the reincarnation of You-Know-Who. He made a pest of himself by going up to everybody and putting out his hand and saying, “Hi, I’m George Custer, and lemme tell you, this time things are gonna be different.**”
George’s Custard is the #1 drive through fast food place in Blawnox. He offers frozen custard in 127 different flavors, and yet they all taste like custard. Remarkable.
George’s Custard also offers french fries. They, too, taste like custard. Inconceivable.
George’s Custard lost its lease at its restaurant site and was forced to open several food carts. Sadly, the demand for custard dwindled and the owner had to close the carts as well and go to vending on street corners, finally ending up with only one selling point. It was custard’s last stand.