Most people find oranges unappeeling.
Most people find appeels unorangeing.
Fruit farmers of America have risen up in protest against the fact that there is no froot in Froot Loops! Angry mobs brandishing pitchforks are marching to Battle Creek, MI, as I speak! Tony the Tiger was insulted in a Detroit diner, and had to end his meal abruptly!
Toucan Sam has been signed as the spokes bird for the soon-to-be-available Froot Loop Coondems. Apparently the implication of the size of Sam’s nose and the size of a penis was too good to pass up.
Spiked Fruit Loops can be sold to adult toucans, but not to mynahs.
Unfortunately, some shopkeepers confuse spiked Froot Loops with spiced Froot Loops, and do sell them to mynahs. And you do not ant to hear what those birds are saying after eating them.
Post Cereals tried to compete with Froot Loops, coming out with Beet Treets in 1993 to try to cash in on the vegan craze. Vegans around the world commented: I’ll eat a lot of tasteless shit, but I’m NOT eatin’ that.
Post’s cartoon character spokesperson Beaty the Beatle is the least remembered of all. Possibly due to the fact that Yoko sued Post for using “Beatle” within minutes of its being drawn up. She even scared the Disney lawyers.
Disney lawyers, notorious for their ruthlessness, implacability and ferociousness, have over the years been blamed for the Black Death, wildfires in California and the 2016 election of Donald Trump.
In the very early days of the Straight Dope Message Board, the first young woman to register picked the unusual moniker of, Troll, the Ancient. During the ensuing weeks, all the confusion over Mod notes and bannings due to “name calling” (other posters were just using her handle, not throwing insults) forced TPTB to demand a username change. Unfortunately, the message board software of the time was not very sophisticated and the best Jerry could do was create the user heading “(old name)/(new name).” As this happened in December, Troll… took a holiday-themed username and became Troll, the Ancient/Yuletide Carol, adopting as a sig line–“Laaa, la-la-la, la-la OH! HI, THERE!” from the 7-UP Un-deer commercial. Y Carol left the SDMB shortly thereafter, never to return, when Donald Trump offered her a job on his staff, which led to his appearance in, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” where he played himself. And none too convincingly, at that.
After leaving the SDMB, Yuletide Carol focused on her career as a professor of Medieval Film Studies at the Blawnox Institute of Technology, where she eventually landed the coveted Orson Bean Chair of Improbably Old Cinema.
Yuletide Carol is undoubtedly related to me. Though I’ve never met her, she shares my love of Christmas and name calling. However, I would rather be homeless and living on garbage than work for Trump.
“Trump” was a popular slang for “beer” in late 19th Century Blawnox. After the tragic shutdown of the legendary Blawnox Industrial Amalgamated and Conglomerated Manufacturing Facility, the entire Blawnox region was mired in an economic depression. It was very common to see the teeming unemployed holding up signs saying “Will Work for Trump”.
Orson Bean was a spokesman for the Schmitz & Sons Brewery of Phartuccio Heights, Wyoming early in his career, and was paid in beer. In all of 1933, he earned two and a half barrels of Blawnox Stout.
Blawnox Stout is one of the weakest beers in the world, coming in at Negative 22 proof.
All of the original “Stout Hearted Men” died of cirrhosis of the liver by age 26.
The weakest beer in Schmitz & Sons’ repertoire is the Phartuccio Special Lite, of which the alcohol content is not measured in proof, but in molecules per kiloliter.
Schmitz & Sons’ “Phartuccio Special Lite” will actually extract alcohol from your bloodstream, rendering you sober. And pissed, but not in a good way.
Schmitz & Sons was founded in 1783 by Adolph Schmitz and his three sons, Werner, Gerhard, Reinhard, Hans and Ulrich. Hans and Ulrich were manifestations of Reinhard’s split personality; Hans was an out-of-control alcoholic while Ulrich was a militant advocate for temperance, which was awkward at times.
Gerhard Schmitz was the inventor of the beer nipple. You’d put one over your stein and nurse it all evening long. This was a momentary great success, until bartenders noticed the drastic downturn in people actually buying beer. Gerhard was found one morning in the village well. Most of him, anyway.