Little Johnny Thin died from drowning in the village well. Though ruled a suicide, Thin’s family tried to get police to investigate Thomas Stout, the son neighboring barn owner for murder, citing scratches on the Thin’s face as evidence of a violent struggle. Thin and Stout were known to have argued. However forensic scientists determined the scratches were likely made by the claws of a feline, and the original verdict was upheld.
In the late 1950s, the name Timmy became one of the most popular names for baby boys in the United States, thanks to the popularity of the TV series Lassie, and the Timmy Martin character.
However, six decades later, there are surprisingly few adult American men named Timmy, due to a still-unexplained rash of tragic well-related accidents involving young Timmys.
Orson Bean’s career took a drastic downturn in 1934 when, still drunk on Blawnox Stout, he showed up for a taping of a Schmitz & Sons commercial and staggered around shouting “Schitz! & Phartz!” until giggling madly, he tripped over a backdrop anchor and fell into the Phartuccio Heights Tar Pit.
The law firm of Schitz & Phartz has a 98.6 success record in the cases they bring to trial, mostly because Smell Lee Schitz and Dead Lee Phartz know the other attorneys, judge, and jury will be too busy laughing to hear the case.
The addition of Chinese-American attorney Hee Leaves was an effort by Schitz & Phartz to add dignity to their partnership. Their first appearance in court was a disaster, of course, and the law firm of Schitz, Phartz & Leaves disbanded the following week.
Hee Leaves recorded a version of John Denver’s classic “Heaving on a Jet Plane.” Denver first heard this version on October 12, 1997 while flying his plane. The result was a disaster.
The noted law firm of Dilly, Dally, Doolittle & Stahl represented Hee Leaves in his lawsuit against John Denver’s airplane for loss of consortium. They got a judgment of $14.5 billion from Judge Wanda “Wacky” Weimereiner of the Blawnox District Court, named in 2014 “the most-reversed judge in Western Pennsylvania” by the Pennsylvania Bar Association Magazine, but to date have not been able to collect even a penny.
Hee Leaves had some hope of collecting on his $14.5 billion judgment in the Western Pennsylvania Court of Appeals, but for an unfortunate freak accident. When counsel stood up to address Mr. Leaves’ case, Judge Gilford “Giblets” Gibbonhoffer demanded, “Are you Dilly or Dally?” Counsel replied, “I’m Dilly, Your Honor,” and the judge said, “Well, quit dallying, Dilly,” and so forcefully cracked himself up with his own wit that he fell out of his chair and knocked himself unconscious. The legislature, seeing this as a heaven-sent reprieve from having to fork over $14 bil from the state treasury, quickly passed the Argumentum Ad Gibletseum Act. When asked what this meant, legislators just looked sad and shook their heads and kept the money.
Gilford “Giblets” Gibbonhoffer was a star halfback for the University of Blawnox Fighting Chuckhounds, a war hero, and a man who put himself through law school selling chickens door to door. His tenacity and can-do spirit was evident in everything he did and his coaches, commanding officer, and law professor all agree that Giblets had a lot of guts.
“Giblets” Gibbonhoffer turned out to be a very successful lawyer, defending cases that were considered turkeys by any other law firm. Other lawyers referred to these clients as “Giblets’ Gravy”.
“Giblets” Gibbonhoffer was the defense attorney for Woode B. Tublayme in what was at the time dubbed “The Trial of the Century”. Tublayme was facing charges for Criminal Negligent Homicide due to his gargantuan pet toad getting loose, wandering next door, and eating his spinster neighbor, Ms. Brickowski.
When police raided Woode B. Tublayme’s house, they found a cage fill of thought to be extinct gigantic snails, known to run over and dissolve creatures, eating the remains. The snails have been transported to China, where a scientist insists he can alter their DNA to made them benign, and use them as transportation vehicles. The United State Post Office has expressed an interest in the idea.
To celebrate Christmas imopi peasants of the villages in the Senshai Valley tie snails to fireworks and send them all on amazing rides just after sunset on Christmas Eve. They do think to carry festal parasols.
Unfortunately, the aforementioned Chinese scientist came to a tragic end. His increasing obsession with the genetic manipulation of the gigantic snails eventually landed him in the Guangzhou Detention Facility for Unstable Geniuses. He managed to escape from the facility by hiding in a laundry cart and broke into his old lab. He was deluded into thinking that the snails would welcome him back, so he opened the cage to embrace them all; but they were hungry, so they dissolved him and ate his remains.
The exterior of the Guangzhou Detention Facility for Unstable Geniuses was once painted entirely pink due to a whim of Mao Zedong, who passed it on May 3, 1973 during an inspection tour of the province. The next day, as he drove by again on his way back to Beijing, he changed his mind and ordered it painted gray again. The noted Sinologist Dr. I.M. Achinesexpert believes that the incident helped trigger the Cultural Revolution.
A robber in Beijing once tried to hold-up a bank after first secretly shoving live snails into the barrel of the bank guard’s gun. The robber figured the guard would pull the trigger of his weapon and nothing would happen because the gooey snails would clog the pistol. However this nefarious plan failed and the robber was wounded during the heist anyway, taking two slugs in the back while trying to escape.
The robber was given the prison name of “Sluggo,” and was declared the property of a prisoner with the name of “Nancy.” They are out out of prison, living in Massachusetts, legally wed, and own the first legal marijuana store, financed by Nancy’s Aunt Fritzi Ritz, with the title of Fritziest Ritzest
Even after his release from prison, “Sluggo” never could shake the nickname that he so despised. It didn’t help matters when police responded to a domestic call at Nancy and Sluggo’s residence one evening to find Nancy bleeding from the face, and Sluggo standing by indignantly.
Sluggo was arrested and taken to court where he was defended by Schitz & Phartz (Leaves left). The defense used the fact that Sluggo was way too slow to actually hit someone, so naturally he was acquitted. He now lives with his new partner, Sally Port.
Sally Port has twice been arrested for impersonating a comic strip character without a license. Licensed comic strip characters are much more forgiving.