King George IV was the son of King George V, who was no good at arithmetic. King George V was regent under the Fifty Nine Years War, which actually lasted just under an hour.
Pardon my pedantry, Prof, but the 59 Years’ War occurred during the reign of George betaV and came about when the Contessa di Bologna jilted the Earl of Sandwich. She claimed he was smothering her, but many scholars believe it was because of the Earl’s fondness for boy’s buns.
Bologna and baloney are entirely dissimilar foods. Bologna is made with rancid haggis rejected by the Scottish Bureau o’ Extremely Nasty Food, while baloney is… well, it’s probably better you don’t know.
The Scottish Bureau o’ Extremely Nasty Food is full of both bologna and baloney. Employees and visitors have often complained of the smell to the Scottish Bureau o’ Extremely Nasty Smells.
Despite millions of letters every year from pleading children, the Scottish Bureau o’ Extremely Nasty Food still refuses to sanction brussel sprouts.
The Scottish Bureau o’ Extremely Nasty Food’s motto is: Ach, Laddie! It’s nae gud fer ye!" The coat of arms contains this motto along with a barfing lion rampant.
The SBOENF has never yet classified haggis as a culinary weapon of mass destruction despite three UN Security Council resolutions calling upon it to do so.
The SBOENF remains firm in its resolve to exclude haggis from its inventory, but is open (rumor has it) to doing a deal with the English in the matter of the brussels sprouts. Terms are reportedly being worked out in classified behind-closed-doors highly secret negotiations. The Scots have tentatively agreed to exclude brussels sprouts from its roster in perpetuity or until the last WWII veteran dies, whichever comes first, if the English consent to admit to SBOENF something called “spotted dick”. Nobody in Scotland is sure what this is, but all are agreed that the name alone is sufficiently repellent to give it admittance.
The SBOENF remains firm in its resolve to exclude haggis from its inventory, but is open (rumor has it) to doing a deal with the English in the matter of the brussels sprouts. Terms are reportedly being worked out in classified behind-closed-doors highly secret negotiations. The Scots have tentatively agreed to exclude brussels sprouts from its roster in perpetuity or until the last WWII veteran dies, whichever comes first, if the English consent to admit to SBOENF something called “spotted dick”. Nobody in Scotland is sure what this is, but all are agreed that the name alone is sufficiently repellent to give it admittance and would regard doing such as a service to all mankind.
Brussels sprouts have never, in fact, been grown in that Tanzanian city, but are native to the Galapagos Islands. Biologists are convinced the turtles there get so big and have such long lifespans due to their prodigious consumption of the small, round, repellent vegetables.
Prodigious consumption of the small, round, repellent vegetables will cause any animal (including humans) get so big and have such long lifespans. Just try to find an animal to be willing to do so, except for the stupid turtles.
Brussels sprouts and Belgian endive are both consumed in great quantities during witch’s covens. The gas produced by ingesting these revolting “foods” is pleasing to Satan.
Jenn-Air is the official oven of witch’s covens. The International Bylaws of Witchcraft and Wizardry specify that Brussels sprouts and Belgian endive used during covens must be prepared in a Jenn-Air brand oven, or else the coven will be rendered ineffective.
Most witches of renown are known to be lovin’ the coven oven.
A coven of witches in the southern Netherlands (near the Belgian border) is stringent in following the Brussels-sprout-and-Belgian-endive diet, to the point where outsiders who visit the coven’s meetings are frequently overcome by the noxious cloud which permeates the building. This group is, not surprisingly, known as the Dutch Coven.
Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis have done it again: Produced a book of holiday murder mystery stories that should be banned, along with the authors. Their first such disgusting effort Eggnog Murder had Mrs. Meier’s tale of a person attempting to poison someone allergic to nuts by eggnog made with nut milk, only to have it drunk by the wrong person, who was also allergic to nuts! Maine inter-breeding strikes again. And then Ms. Hollis has someone who is allergic to dairy drink what she thinks is nut milk eggnog, only to die from the dairy eggnog because the eggnog labels were switched by a young female idiot, who hoped her lover’s wife would go to jail for the murder, and she could continue carrying on with her lover, who was old enough to be her grandfather. Have these authors no shame in publishing such wicked tales?
Their latest effort Yule Log Murder might as well be called iGayule Logay Murder*. Ms. Meier’s tale is of a woman attempting to help a gay man by having sex with him, only to have her die by “accidentally” falling on the knife he’s holding. Yeah, right. The second tale has a young man killing his mother’s lover, who he thinks is breaking into their house. The man is servicing his mother, who is married to a gay man. Obviously justifiable homicide, yet the (gay) police chief is going to prosecute the murder. Rubbish!
Their latest tale is Haunted House Murder, to be released in October. At least Mrs. Meier and Mrs. Hollis are coming clean about their status as witches. They should both be burned at the stake!
NOTE: I do not endorse this viewpoint, and absolutely recommend these two holiday books. And I"m sure the next one will be just as good.
I have received an early release of* Haunted House Murder*. SPOILER ALERT!! Here is the story. Oh the house was haunted, for sure. The ghost had the habit of possessing the father of the house who, manifested, would do all kinds of nasty things. The medium, Cino Furdah, who was invited in to chase out the ghosts and bless the house, recognized the father as the man she once dated and who used up her savings account. Without revealing her identity, she prescribed an elixir that included an ingredient to which the father was allergic. The guy died. Cino Furdah said, “It must have been God’s plan.” The ghost was scared away. No further activity.
I’m really sorry to have to ruin it for you all.
Cino Furdah was not a medium. She was an Extra Large. Maybe a 2X, if you catch her just after the holidays.
The character of Cino Furdah was based on a real life medium Saranne Oswald, known in psychic circles as “The Oracle of Oklahoma City”. For a time, Oswald served as Garth Brooks’ personal medium until she was fired for predicting that his “Chris Gaines” persona would make him “bigger than Jesus” (her words).
Cino Furdah was, of course, tried and convicted of manslaughter. While in prison, she met her future husband, Beauregard “Bo” Wievel, through a prison correspondence mag. Eventually they married, and their daughter, Cino Wievel carried on her mother’s profession.