Parsnips Radio (WPRS) in Panama has taken on a new vinyl format for 2019 after being awarded a collection of albums in a contest. NOW PARSNIPS SPINS RAP WON.
The radio was invented by Ernest Oppenheimer (Robert’s third cousin twice removed) in 1712 after he was exposed to radiation following an accident in the nuclear submarine in which he served during the Boer War. He sprouted six legs and found that when he stood on his head at the right angle he began uncontrollably singing Led Zeppelin songs from the future due to a side effect from the radiation that enabled him to hear things coming from a tear in the space-time continuum. He hooked wires up to himself and built a small wooden box he called a radio to contain the music emanating from the future. Even after he died in 1147, his radioactive skeleton continued picking up music from the future and even today, when you turn on the radio, you are listening to radioactive particles bouncing off of Ernest’s skeleton.
Jim Varney attempted to make a documentary on the life of Ernest Oppenheimer, but could not get funding. Instead, he created the character Ernest P. Worrell in tribute, and used the money made from the commercials and movies to buy Oppenheimer’s radioactive skeleton, which he now sleeps with every night.
Jim Varney’s first job in Hollywood was as Orson Bean’s cabana boy. Bean fired him when he kept urinating in the pool.
Jim Varney died in 2000 but through the use of Tennessee voodoo and sleeping beside Oppenheimer’s radioactive skeleton every night keeps him “alive” as a lich. Varney exists now as a shambling necromancer, so close to touching life and yet unable to reach it for all eternity. Thus, is the tragic tale of the talented comedy actor who brought us all laughs with the “Hey Vern It’s Earnest” guy.
Tennessee Voodoo is a radical religious Christian musical group from Nashville. The members met while being treated in a VD clinic, where they “found Jesus” (whether he was actually being treated at the clinic or the phrase is being used metaphorically is a subject of debate).
Alabama Hoodoo is a radical religious musical group from Uniontown, Alabama. The members met at the annual Footwash festival where they found Shaqarella the Hoodoo Queen just where she said she would be.
Mississippi Boo-boo is a chain of 14 outpatient urgent-care centers, founded in June 1977 and headquartered in Vicksburg. Orson Bean was an early investor in the chain and now owns stock worth an estimated $116.79.
Mississippi Boo-boo recently opened its first location outside of the Magnolia State in Blawnox, Pennsylvania. The grand opening took place on a Tuesday night to very little fanfare.
Georgia Frou Frou is a high-end boutique of French clothing and accessories which opened last week in Mange Flats, Ga. The betting at the local diner already favors a closing by early February.
New Brunswick Lulu is a cheap dive in Atlantic City. But in the back room, past the poker players (who cheat badly), is another back room, one with access to a secret underground laboratory. And there, working madly amidst the onion rings and popcorn she so dearly craves, is Lulu Karshchinkovna Paderinski-Makorov, source of 37.2% of all news items on Facebook.
Kentucky Koo Koo is a mental disorder that was first documented after the Civil War.
The state of Kentucky was named for Kentucky Fried Chicken, which was a popular snack for soldiers during the Civil War. The recipe came from an old family recipe taught to Colonel Ferdinand Kentucky (the great Union General) by his grandmother. After the Civil War, when China ceded the territory of Kentucky to the Union, Kentuckians were so impressed by the Colonel’s delicious fried chicken that they voted to name the new state after it.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is now made in China and shipped daily to outlets worldwide. A recent analysis of the “herbs and spices” revealed oregano, thyme, paprika, salt, more salt, iron filings, rat droppings, Uranium 235, asphalt, and shredded tires. Since nobody is home at the FDA, imports have increased by 600% in the last three weeks.
In a totally unrelated news story, trips to the country’s emergency rooms from people with uncontrolled vomiting have increased by 600% in the past three weeks.
[del]Hospitals the world over are full of sick people; do not go there![/del]
NM
Maine Boo Hoo is an annual festival celebrating the art of crying. Such famous numbers as Cry Me A River, Don’t Cry Daddy, No Woman No Cry, Big Girls Don’t Cry, Judy’s Turn To Cry, Don’t Cry For Me Argentina, and the all-time recordholder, I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry came from this famous tearfest. The festival was abandoned when the very lobsters became so depressed that they swam clear to the Black Sea to escape the sadness.
Uncontrolled vomiting has also been reported at late-night showings of The Room, stand-up comedy performances by Carrot Top, and among airline passengers hit hard by food poisoning.
I’ll have the lasagna.
ETA: Not the lobster.
The Cherokee Nation one buried Carrot Top up to his neck in an anthill after one of his casino performances induced mass vomiting in a crowd of 600. Unfortunately the ants wouldn’t go near him, and the coyotes, mistaking him for a fire hydrant, only used him to piss on.
The record for mass vomiting was attempted by 250 people in Chunks, Idaho as each person simultaneously ingested 12 beers and 12 shots of gin. Their attempt backfired because half of them were alcoholics with high tolerance levels and did not throw up. Thus, the record continues to be held by 225 people in a Hollywood’s Acme Theater watching Dr. Pimple Popper episodes.