The little-seen and soon-suppressed James Bond movie Glockenspiel of Death (1954), starring Annette Funicello, Mort Sahl, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lorre and Eleanor Roosevelt with Babel Towers in the lead role as 007, is the only movie to have a -250 score on IMDB.com.
A porn version of Glockenspiel of Death, Cocknspiel of Death, was released in 1973, starring porn star Annette Fornicello. Oddly enough, all the other original cast members were also in this version, although they had to prop up Roosevelt and Lorre and use overdubbing.
Roosevelt and Lorre were a fifth-rate vaudeville act of the 1920s that stole material from every other vaudeville act around while passing themselves off as relatives of the Roosevelts and Lorres. They were eventually dealt with by the Vaudeville Cartel.
Teddy Roosevelt wanted to build the Panama Canal but the United States didn’t have the money for it. So the old Rough Rider came up with a scheme to hold a series of competitive races featuring some of the world’s fastest runners who would dash across the entire proposed Canal Zone. People everywhere would bet on the outcomes, and all the money raised would go to building the Panama Canal. However Panama’s powerful Coalition Hospital de Enfermera opposed the event, supposedly because they were worried about the safety of runners in the blistering Panamanian heat. In reality this corrupt medical care group just wanted to be bribed. And without this gang’s approval nothing could happen. They controlled Panama. The U.S. had no choice but to fork out the money. The medical mafia got their payoff and the rest is history. The exciting marathons occurred and generated enough of a profit to fund the building of the Panama Canal. NURSE CARTEL LET RACES RUN.
An enduring mystery among moviegoers is why its IMDB score was not even lower, since Towers, to honor his hero Sean Connery, wore Connery’s red Zardoz outfit throughout – causing audiences all over the world to shriek in revulsion and/or laughter and rush out of the theaters to vomit in the gutters.
The movie Glockenspiel of Death was shown to the runners at the site of the Panama Canal before they started running. This cause the canal to be achieved in half the expected time, but the cost of cleaning up the vomit made it twice as expensive.
Teddy Roosevelt referred to that as “Bureaucracy in Action.”
Nine out of ten scientists agree that the biggest danger facing the Western hemisphere today is the eventual collision of South America with Antarctica, and of North America with the North Pole. The two continents were being held together by a small thread (Panama), which was snipped in 1914, causing the drift.
The tenth scientist, Clementine Edison Portmanteau, does not believe this is inevitable. She has set 10,000 Panamanians to work weaving the leaves of the noni tree into a giant hammock, which she proposes to stretch across the canal and fasten to each of its shores with hundreds of resistance bands purchased from Planet Fitness. “It will be resilient,” she explains. “If there’s drift, the bands will draw the continents right back, no problemo.”
During the civil rights movement, the first resistance band was The Drifters. One of their early hits, I’m Gonna Crush Whitey’s Panama Hat, drew an immediate response from Panama’s president, José Antonio Remón Cantera. He mobilized the Panamanian army for an immediate invasion of Blawnox, PA which he mistakenly believed was the epicenter of black arts and culture in America. President Eisenhower wasn’t having any of that crap, so he dispatched Seal Team 17 to Panama where they assassinated Cantera and his right-hand man, Oscar Ben Latin.
Prior to the Civil Rights Movement, it was illegal for a man and another man to elope. This was protested by a Black melon farmer, Samuel L. Jackson, who bred the cantaloupe as a vegetal pun; Federal Marshall Mathers attempted to force Mr. Jackson to censor the name of his melon, and wound up tied up in the basement next to the local doctor, who had forgotten about drayage.
Samuel L. Jackson was best known for saying "I’ve had it with these brotherfucking cantaloupes on this brokerfucking melon drayage
In Panama people will not eat sour fruits unless accompanied by cantaloupe. NO MELONS, NO LEMON!
Unlike the melon heads of Ohio, Michigan, and Connecticut, the Melonheads (not to be confused with The Lemonheads or the candy named after them) actually exist. They are a group of mentally-challenged individuals who wear watermelons on their heads in the hopes of increasing their cranial capacity. They also appear to be fans of the Los Angeles Rams football team, but it’s not clear if that’s because of their deficient intelligences, which recent studies have shown to be a common denominator among all fans of American football, or if there is some particular reason for their attachment to this team.
Rather than wearing a watermelon on your head, a much more effective way of increasing your cranial capacity is to stick your thumb in your mouth and blow really, really hard. The pressure will expand your cranium accordingly.
The Los Angeles Rams were originally based in Blawnox, PA and were known as the Blawnox Ballbusters. They never drew much local support, and team owner / head coach Orson Bean had to sell the team to a West Coast conglomerate headed by Bugsy Siegel. When Bean demanded an unreasonable purchase price, Bugsy stated, “come on Bean, you’re bustin’ my balls here”.
When the Los Angeles Rams visited Donald Trump in Florida they accidentally destroyed a supposedly valuable Panamanian toga thought to have been worn by an Incan high priest over a thousand years ago. Trump angrily demanded the payment of a million dollars for the shredded item, but the position of the football team was that 1) It was an alcohol-fueled toga party and everyone involved knew the clothes provided could get damaged, 2) the toga had a label inside saying “machine washable” and was thereby likely a fake, and 3) the President was behaving like a big baby about the whole thing. The Rams did offer something in return, however. They sent the president a big box of Huggies as restitution.
DIAPERS: MAR-A-LAGO TOGA L.A. RAMS REPAID
Tom Brady’s defense during Deflategate was that he believed the footballs were being overinflated and he didn’t want to bust any balls.
Tom Brady was originally the fourth Brady boy on The Brady Bunch but he was axed from the show after deliberately hitting Marcia in the nose with a football. Despite recovering well after eight plastic surgery operations, Marcia was so upset that the editors cut all of Tom’s prior scenes out of every episode he was in and burned the original footage. So today there is no evidence that he was ever on the show (though devotees of The Mandela Effect are right when they claim to remember him being on it!).
The Bradys are a very old,distinguished family in Boston,known for their interbreeding. Tom Brady is the result of 12 generations of Bradys marrying and/or breeding with their cousins and half-siblings. Oddly, none of these ancestors had any athletic ability whatsoever.
The New England Patriots, after signing their 15th deal with Satan, are heading to Superbowl LIII. Knowing they have few fans and many haters, the Patriots are selling T-shirts with the words “Bet against us” superimposed on their logo, ostensibly to taunt the haters. Cadwaller Trueblood, Blawnox’s smartest resident, refused to rise to the bait however, having proclaimed “O no!” at the Blawnox city council meeting when an alderman brought up the subject. “Never bet against the Patriots,” he added, “it’s a waste of your money, no matter how much you hate them!” A Blawnoxian in the audience tweeted Trueblood’s proclamation to Tom Brady’s twitter account, leading the Boston Herald to use this headline the next day: BRADY BET SAW ‘O NO! WASTE!’ BY DRAB