Donald Trump signed a deal with Satan that, if the devil would help Trump be President, he would make sure Satan’s football team of choice got to the Super Bowl every year he was in office.
Did you think that whole Prez Trump=Super Bowl Pats connection was merely coincidence?
The Super Bowl has never been played in Blawnox, although the Rose Bowl was played there twice, in 1956, 1961 and 1972. The municipal government went deeply into debt each time, and by the time of the last game, could afford to send only a single police officer, three meter readers and a troop of Boy Scouts with hiking sticks to provide security.
Before there were parking meters, meter reader was a derogatory term for a poetry aficionado.
Melissa and the Meter Readers was a short-lived ABC sitcom which ran from 1961-97, perhaps best known for Orson Bean’s (in laughably unconvincing drag and makeup as Melissa “Bobo” Hotchkiss) popular catchphrase, “Move this f-----g car, sir, or I’m having it towed.”
Melissa and the Meter Readers has become known for the first broadcast sitcom to allow cursing. The director realized that ticketed drivers had to curse otherwise it didn’t seem realistic.
The word ticket comes from the 18th century term tea kit. Etymologists have traced the origins to Mrs. Hotchkiss’ Boarding House for Clumsy Men. No boarder was allowed to enter without their own “tea kit”.
King George III of Great Britain, who when afflicted by his occasional madness was a clumsy man indeed, owned no fewer than 42 tea kits, most of which are now on display in Windsor Castle. Ironically, the king hated tea, and was far more likely to drink fresh-squeezed mango juice with wild honey and chives.
My father’s name was George, I have been afflicted by occasional “quirkiness,” I am extremely clumsy, I love tea and own tea kits, mangoes and mango juice and honey.
That explains it. I am the reincarnation of King George III.
King George III, though married, slept with a different ewe every night. He particularly liked the merinos, which he pampered by feeding them mangoes.
King George III’s favorite merino sheep was Fuzzy Wuzzy who he knighted in 1776. He sent Fuzzy Wuzzy to the Colonies to lead a military detachment, but the ship ran into a squall and was never heard from again. Nine out of ten historians agree that this incident turned the tide in the Colonies’ favor, ultimately leading to their independence.
The #1 selling drink in Blawnox is Fuzzy Wuzzy, a carbonated fruit flavored 150 proof knockout punch. It comes in George III Mango, Kissing Kiwis, Down Under Dundee, Lord’s Iced Titties, Barbecue Spit, LorlilieLlemon, Lyinglora Lime, Razzle’s Baries, and Orson’s Coffee Bean.
The flavors of Fuzzy Wuzzy that have been discontinued are Innyer Dreams, Sphincter Phailure, Outlika Lite, and the iced Chi Cow Ski.
Fuzzy Wuzzy is illegal in three countries due to its extraordinarily high alcohol content: Botswana, Monaco, Singapore and Grand Fenwick.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was invented by the famed and most prolific of beverage designers, Lewis Peeler. Peeler was interviewed by Time Magazine in 1931 for their Lifetime Achievement special. When asked which drink was the most difficult to perfect, Peeler furrowed his brow, thought for a moment, and then recollected, “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear”.
In the same interview, when asked about the persistent rumors that the Fuzzy Wuzzy beverage is contaminated with rabbit parts, Peeler insisted “Fuzzy Wuzzy has no hare.”
Orson Bean overindulged on Fuzzy Wuzzy as a regular thing. One time he staggered onstage at Comedy Central and shouted, “FUZZY WUZZY WUZ A BEAR! FUZZY WUZZY HAD NO HAIR! SO FUZZY WUZZY WASN’T FUZZY, WUZZY?” Whereupon he laughed so hard that he darn near bought the farm by rupturing his appendix right there on stage. Only the quick thinking of several New England Patriots in the audience saved him by “waving” him over the heads of the audience, out into the street, and into a taxicab, driven by a man who spoke no English, but who knew a ruptured appendix when he saw one. “Appendix! Yes, I go!” he shouted, and off he went like he was jet propelled, and got his passenger to the hospital in the very nickiest of times.
The taxi driver who saved Orson Bean is a man from Panama. Not much else is known about him other than that he speaks Spanish and also sometimes works as a salesperson at various trade expos where he shows off, among other things, a gene ancestry web site, his taxi, a device for capturing feral stray felines, and a fleet of miniature pilotless airplanes.
SENOR DEMOS DNA REPORT, A CAB, A CAT ROPER, AND SOME DRONES
Francesco “Fuzzy” Orso was one of the three mafia wannabes who kidnapped Jewish-Irish heiress Sarah “Goldilocks” Shayla Sachs-O’Goldman. Fuzzy was later asked why they killed the heiress after receiving the ransom, he replied, “Nah, I had to shoot the bitch princess within the first two hours. She kept bustin’ our balls about how this was too that and that was too this until it came to my stuff, and then it was just friggin’ right. By the time she got to my toothbrush, I had had enough.” Fuzzy droned on for another 13 hours about what a pain in the ass she was until one of the policemen shot him. The District Attorney, who was present at the time, did not file charges against the officer because it was clearly self-defense.
Jewish-Irish heiress Sarah “Goldilocks” Shayla Sachs-O’Goldman stood to inherit over $450 million from her grandfather’s toilet-cleanser company. After her death, the money was given to some skinny kid with a cowlick on Fourth Avenue who said he could use it.
That skinny kid with a cowlick on Fourth Avenue later went on to write a few songs, right a few wrongs, and win a Nobel Prize in literature for his poetry.