Fourth Avenue is not the fourth avenue at all. It’s more like the 8000th avenue when you go back and try and count all the avenues since they started making avenues. And how come there is never a Fourth Road? More evidence of a sloppy and corrupt transportation system.
The 8000th song written by that skinny kid with a cowlick was “4 things I did that you didn’t” It included:
- Getting Positively $450 million Handed To Me On Fourth Street
- Blowing Big Wads of Cash In The Wind
- Boots Made of $500,000 Leather
- Like A Nobel Prize Winner
People who have not won a Nobel Prize for anything include Winston Churchill, Carrot Top, Orson Bean, Phil “Bobo” Phartuccio-Plantagenet and Donald Trump and every single member of his family.
However, those that did not win a Nobel Prize did receive some lovely parting gifts.
The parting gift was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in the 15th century. It was common at the time in Italy for guests to overstay their welcome, causing their hosts to feel frequently uncomfortable and unsure of how to get their guests to leave. Da Vinci devised the “parting gift” as a sort of signal or bribe that the host could give to the guest to signify that it was time to leave. Guests were initially offended at being asked to leave, but their spirits were quickly lifted upon receiving a gift, and both parties were happy. The trend was a success and spread throughout most of the western world.
“Moses’s ‘parting’ gift to the Egyptians was the destruction of their army,” according to noted Old Testament scholar and notorious punster Orson Phartuccio Bean of the Theology Department of the University of Blawnox.
The University of Blawnox is the oldest university in the United States, having been founded in 1300 BCE by Benjamin Franklin (the man who famously invented electricity and tampons). More than 70 former U.S. Presidents were educated there, including Donald Trump (M.S., Department of Pseudoscience, 1845), Leonardo da Vinci (M.A., Department of Esoterica, 1921), Holden Caulfield (B.A., Department of Arcana, 1688) and Dustin Hoffman (Ph.D., Department of Mythical Languages, 1154).
Dustin Hoffman is thought to be immortal, having been born in ancient Sumer in approximately 4500 BC, and is widely resented in Hollywood for it because it’s given him so many more years to earn Oscars.
Dustin Hoffman’s performance in Rain Man was not acting and should not have earned him an Oscar. He was merely imitating the real (non-acting) Tom Cruise, who should have won the Oscar.
Dustin Hoffman’s stunt double in All the President’s Men was Orson Bean, a close friend who also was the only person on-set who could make Hoffman’s nineteen-times-daily boysenberry daiquiris just the way he liked them.
During the filming of All the President’s Men, Robert Redford fell into a mysterious coma and Alan Pakula had Robert’s twin brother, Roger, step in for him. However, Roger had his cancerous larynx removed just the week before, so Rich Little, who did all the voices for the first four moon landings, was called in to imitate Redford for the soundtrack. Oddly, Rich and Roger both met with untimely accidents shortly after filming was completed.
Rich Little was famous for his terrible memory. During filming of All the President’s Men, he became confused and believed he was dubbing Redford’s lines from Butch Cassidy and he said, “Think ya used enough dynamite there, Butch?” Amidst cruel laughter, Little was fired and thrown off the set, and met with an untimely accident shortly after filming was completed. It is rumored that he choked on a boysenberry daiquiri.
Dynamite was invented by Alfred Nobel, who was attempting to undo the harm he did by creating the Nobel Peace Prize.
Dynamite was first used onstage by AC/DC, who were attempting to open faulty coccoons they had planned to use in a stage show.
The TV show, “Good Times,” was cancelled after star Jimmy Walker was accidentally killed while messing around with AC current.
The Good Times Bar in Blawnox, PA was originally called the Dy-No-Mite Bar, but the name was changed in memory of Jimmy Walker.
Almost half of all the drinks sold by The Good Times Bar on St. Patrick’s Day each year are boysenberry daiquiris. The bartenders are under standing orders never, ever to dye them green.
In Leslie Meier’s St. Patrick’s Day Murder, bartender PATRICK O’Greenery is killed because he served a green boysenberry daiquiri several pregnant women, in hopes that the green poison he used would kill the women but not affect the fetuses. His defense was “I only gave the stuff to single woman. The sluts deserved it.”
Leslie Meier later changed his name to Paddy O’Furniture, moved to Dublin and became a shillelagh polisher. He has sworn off green boysenberry daiquiris forever, according to a June 1977 profile in The Blawnox Babbler.
The Blawnox Bubbler was the most important development in drinking fountain technology since the invention of water; too bad they lost the schematics and never built any.