Ninja chipmunks study bōjutsu (the art of fighting with a long pole) in a training lineage which goes back to New York City chipmunks watching Master Splinter teach mutant turtles.
Charles “Chip” Monk has won gold in the pole vault in six out of the last seven Blawnox Not-So-Special Olympics. His coach, Hamato Yoshi, had this to say about it: “I’ve always told my trainees that ‘we choose what holds us back and what moves us forward.’ Most years Chip chose wisely, but that one year he picked an anvil to hold him back. On the other hand, he always opted to use his feet to move him forward, so I guess he’s not a total loser.”
Adrian Monk was the front-runner to replace Alex Trebek on Jeopardy, until the producers came to the conclusion that having to go up and touch each question card on the board before the contestant could respond would make the game several hours long.
Adrian Monk once went to the Blawnox Animal Fair but there was an unfortunate incident where he was compelled to sit on an elephant’s trunk. When the elephant sneezed and fell on his knees, that was the end of that Monk.
Martin Luther is probably the most famous monk of all time. He was so good at monking that he was promoted to Minister of Monasteries before he was 30 and by the time he was 40 he had become King of the Church. The Pope was not pleased to have his power usurped and had Martin Luther King assassinated while he was in Memphis to help free the Jews.
King Martin Luther’s killer James Earl Rayjones later changed his name to Varth Gaydar and formed a group that used Prayer and adverse therapy to help free the sodomites from their Godless lifestyle.
The group was not successful.
Comic book writer Otto Binder once penned an issue of Superman where the titular hero gets blasted back in time by the effects of newly-introduced periwinkle Kryptonite. With his memory clouded, Superman thought that Martin Luther was his arch enemy Lex Luthor and was about to totally punch Luther into the sun until the monk was able to explain that he wasn’t evil and was just trying to reform the Catholic church’s practice of buying indulgences. Still hazy but now understanding Luther wasn’t evil, Superman then flew to the future to Boston in 1955 and helped Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. stay up all night and write his Ph D. dissertation.
Otto Pilot found himself typecast after his crowd-pleasing appearance in Airplane! and was unable to secure other film roles. He faded into showbiz obscurity until his limp, deflated, semen-caked body was discovered in a West Hollywood motel last week by Girl Scouts selling cookies door-to-door.
Otto Pilot published a book about his sexual conquests. The book was called “Otto Erotica”, and appealed to a very select audience.
Otto da Fé, the father of modern barbeque, fled the Spanish Inquisition after serving pulled pork to Ferdinand and Isabella on Good Friday. He stowed away on one of Columbus’ ships and later opened the first restaurant in the Bahamas.
The back of the Bahama Restaurant was nicknamed “Bahama Mamas.” It was the Bahamas’s first unrecorded "house of ill-repute.
The Bahamas consist of 17 scattered islands in an archipelago covering over 200 square miles. Three of the islands are made entirely of tin.
When Otto da Fé’s internal organs started to fade, he replaced them with ones made out of tim. He was thus known as The Tin Man.
How hr managed this is still a mystery, but no record of his process was found in his papers when he died at age 217.
Other historic figures who died at the age of 217 include King Louis XII of France, Sir Isaac Newton, Dean Martin and Orson Bean’s great-grandfather, Silas “String” Bean, a paraplegic philatelist from Philadelphia.
Six well-known people who almost lived to be 217 are Keith Richards (216); Arthur Murray (213); Bill Murray (210); Elendil the Faithful (209); and Orson Bean’s third cousin, Flatus Marmaduke III (207), a paraplegic podiatrist from Pittsburgh.
There have been nearly 1800 documentaries attempted on the Room 217 phenomenon (weird goings-on/deaths/hauntings) in hotels world-wide. None have been completed; the film crews have all disappeared. It’s said some rooms have so many shambling corpses inhabiting them, sardine-like, that the door can’t be opened. No one can explain where the “Do not disturb” sign keeps coming from.
Stephen King wrote The Real Story of Room 217 and, despite repeated warnings that something bad would happen to him if he even thought of publishing it, was carrying the final, completed manuscript to his publishers when he was hit by a van and almost killed. The manuscript was stolen, and never published.
When King was asked if he saved it on his computer, he explained his computer crashed the same time he did. When he was asked if he could re-write the book, he said “Are you fucking kidding me?”
According to a June 1977 study in The Journal of Bogus Literary Statistics, Stephen King writes the equivalent of a novella every seven hours, on average.
Using the word “average” to described anything about Stephen King is just plain wrong, and the people who do so are subject to heavy fines and prison terms. The man has never been close to average in his life, from is birth to a
(supposedly) infertile couple after they adopted a child to his present dad stardom and wealth.
Stephen King is an exceptional writer, father, and all around person but he is, by all accounts, a fairly average driver. Sergeant Admiral Rodimus T. Flatuline, spokesman for the Maine State Police, stated that King has no citations for moving violations within the past several years, and as far as Flatuine knows generally drives his vehicle in a safe manner, uses his turn signals effectively, and generally follows the rules of the road. Said Flatuline, “He doesn’t seem to display any fantastical or preternatural driving abilities, but he does by all accounts appear to be a competent motor vehicle operator.”