But not as bad as the Jussie Smolett saga. You could not make that up.
This just it: Dick Wolf was asked to do a special Law & Order movie based on the Smolett saga. He replied “Are you fucking kidding me?”
N/m wrong game.
But then Dick Wolf reconsidered, realizing that he could present “The Crime of Jussie’s Mullet” as a star turn for Zombie Jerry Orbach and guest stars Ray “Cesar” Romero, Orson Bean, Paula Dean, Bobby Breen, and Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.
Blawnox U. would, of course, be re-named “Hudson U.”
The story of mistaken identity would loosely follow “The Devil’s Disciple,” by George Bernard Shaweh.
Bruce Willis announced today that there will indeed be a Hudson Hawk II movie. It will, however, be mainly a showcase for his daughter Rumer.
Rumer Willis’s first acting coach was Orson Bean. She had a huge crush on him and made several passes, according to a recent report on TMZ, but he gently turned her down, as he’s more than ninety years older than her.
The rumor that Rumer once roomed with a rheumy Orson Bean was put to rest by her father Bruce Willis of the Whatchoolookinat Willises of Bryce Canyon. (He will be remembered for his star turn in the “Try Harder” no-nonsense educational series on your local PBS, TBS, TMZ, and PMS.)
In other Show-Biz news, it was announced late last night that Leonardo DiCaprio would be reprising his role as Jack Flotsam in “Zombie Titanic,” a new film directed by brothers George and Cesar Romero of “Zombie Zumba” fame.
Most of the scenes will be filmed in the Blawnox U. natatorium.
The Blawnox U. natatorium was also used to film Titanic at Sea, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Mask in the Ironman, Gangs of NYC, Julio and Romeet and Plum’s Don, all of which failed miserably.
Plum’s Don is one of Tom Stoddard’s lesser known plays. It is a retelling of Cervantes’s Don Quixote as if written by Prof. Plum from the Clue game. Consequently, nearly all the dialogue is in the form of questions, such as “Were you tilting at the windmill in the Conservatory with your lance?” or “Did you leave your golden helmet of Maldino in the Library next to the pipe wrench?”
And let’s not forget the hit song of the show
Did you dream the impossible dream?
Did you fight the unbeatable foe?
Did you bear with unbearable sorrow?
Did you run where the brave dare not go?
Starring in “Plum’s Don” as Don Coyote will be Peter Wolf of the B. Guiles Band. Also in the cast are Edward Fox, William Katt, and Snoop Dogg as Sancho “Good Boy!” Panza. Portraying Aldonza/Dulcinea will be Olivia DeHaviland China. The estimable Orson Bean is to make a cameo appearance as a face carved out of a seashell.
The swim team of Blawnox U., 2018 national champions in Synchronized Syncopated Sinking (Helmetless Division), is none too pleased that their natatorium is currently off-limits, forcing them to commute to the shudder common swimming pool of Hudson U.
Since Dick Wolf refused to make a special Law & Order movie based on the Somlett case (Are you fucking kidding me?) he has agreed to produce Don’s Plum, and is planning a TV series Law & Order: Plum Cases based on the musical. Tom Wolf has been signed as a writer.
Thomas Wolfe (1938-1900), noted American-Swahili writer who lived his life in reverse, published and then wrote such literary marvels as Look Homeward, Angel and You Can’t Go Home Again whilst under the influence of nitrous oxide. These were the bubbles of joy in his otherwise mirthless life.
The first episode in Dick Wolf’s Law & Order: Plum Cases will be a fictionalization of the murder of Barbara “Bubbles” Joy Stoddard, famous stripper and nitrous oxide advocate whose murder was never solved.
Thomas Wolfe’s tenth novel Rag tells the story of Deva, a young impoverished Indian girl who moves to Russia and lives by a small creek that runs into a much larger river. The small creek symbolizes this lone lost youth trying to survive as she grows towards the large complexity of adulthood, and also relates to Deva herself who came to the area a ragged orphan child with only her wits and dreams of hope and joy — but now must survive in a vast and mysterious country. The lovely descriptions of this little stream are some of the most moving and beautiful words ever written about water. Critics liken the language to that of a bubbling brook itself. The creek of the story actually exists near Kamyshin, Russia and was destined in 1991 to be destroyed by developers until literature lovers and environmentalists intervened. Even folks in Central America rejoiced when they heard that the area was to become a National Park. This was noted in the Panama Herald: Deva’s side Volga remote flow T. Wolfe tome Rag loved is saved.
Alas, the real “Deva,” who, at the success of “Rag” found herself lionized and eventually the host of “Top Chef,” discovered that, even though once married to the famous angler-author Bob “Salmon” Rushdie, she was denied a visa and thus could not go home again. The brook babbles on, though now rather incoherently.
Dick Wolf relented and will produce a 3-part “Law and Order: Victimless Crimes,” featuring the cast of “Slumdog Millionaire” as “The Orphan.” Leonardo DiCaprio will guest star as “Recognizable Passerby #3.”
Dance sequences will be choreographed by Orson Bean, DJ’ed by Wolfman Jack, and filmed in the Blawnox U. terpsichoreum.
The Blawnox U. terpsichoreum has floors of broken glass, which rather inhibits most dancers.
The world’s most famous terpsichord is the one Tom Hanks played in the movie Big. That scene was not in the original script, but when the director learned that Hanks was a highly accomplished concert terpsichordist, he insisted Tom perform. Charlton Heston’s role as Mr. MacMillan was then recast with another concert terpsichordist, Robert Loggia. Coincidentally, while Tom was studying at Juilliard, he considered Robert Loggia to be his muse.
Robin Williams audition for the Julliard School of Acting is still considered the worst audition tape in the history of the planet, past present and/or future. He was not accepted until his father, a GM executive, gave the school a huge “donation.”
When asked about giving away the money, he replied “It was worth it to get that maniac out of the house. I hope that between his craziness and his drug use, he doesn’t make it past the first year. And he is not coming back to this house ever.”
Mr. Bean, the President of Juilliard, unfortunately misread the memo from his son Orson, re: the “donation” from Robin’s father, Guy “Zorro” Williams, and re-named the Acting School’s main building “The Andy and Serena Williams Complex.”
As a result, Robert Loggia signed a contract for his next dramatic reading (of his neo-Epic poem “Grendel and the Noble Gases”) to be accompanied by the Deva Divas on harpsichords (Rollo Tomasi, Conductor); the June Taylor Dancers on terpsichord (Rip Taylor, Choreographer); and Thomas Hewitt Edward, Support Cat.
The reading will be held in the newly-renovated (Wilson Hanks, Architect) Blawnox U. calliopeum. The Blue-Ribbon Blawnox Debate team, the Non-Sequiturs (Prof. Irwin Corey, Coach), will move to the chem lab. Each team member likes boysenberry ice-cream.
Andy Williams was rejected by the Julliard School the same year Vladimir Peter Sabich Jr. was accepted after Sabich Sr. made a large “donation.,” despite the fact that the closest Junion ever came to artistic skills was reading a Spider-man comic book.