“Oxford Comma Loafers make me stop too often when I just want to walk along,” future House Speaker Newt Gingrich said in a June 1977 interview with The Blawnox Babbler. “They’re clearly the favored footwear of the International Communist Conspiracy.”
The International Communist Conspiracy, better known by the mnemonic aid NAMBLA, now only has one member, a rather cranky individual known only as “Borscht Breath”.
Borscht Breath AKA Yuri Yurisonovobitsch is no relation to rather cranky American former cartoonist Berke Breathed, who has nevertheless moved into Breath’s tiny, squalid Minsk apartment and is now living on the couch.
Bon Jovi’s signature song Living on a Prayer was originally called Living on a Couch, written as a tribute to Jon Bon Jovi’s uncle, mentor, and best friend Yuri Yurisonovobitsch.
Jon Bon Jovi’s birthname was Jon Bon Jovi Jon Bon Jovi Jon Bon Jovi Phartuccio. On the advice of Orson Bean, he shortened it for showbiz.
Show Business shortened its name to Show Biz on the recommendation of Orson Bean who shortened his name from Orson Beansinmahnose as recommended by Roy Fitzgerald, Jr.
Roy Fitzgerald, Jr. changed his name from Royal Gerald Fitzmahazz on the advice of Ima Buttfauker, who in turn had changed her birth name of Ura Butfauker because of being relentlessly mocked as a child.
William Shatner was relentlessly mocked as a child for his… odd… speech patterns. Upon reaching fame and wealth he took out contract hits on seven of his old playfellows. Phasers on kill.
Even though he reached fame and wealth, William Shatner was still relentlessly mocked. It was not until he impressed the world by purchasing Greenland did the jeers subside.
Former Canadian actor and clinically-diagnosed raging egomaniac William Shatner took the regnal name of Tiberius I upon taking the throne in New Nu Nuuk, the capital of Greenland, last week.
Greenland has officially cut all ties with the Christopher Walken fan club, fearing the results of his speech patterns mixing with Shatner’s.
Christopher Walken never served in the military during the Vietnam conflict but in the mid 80s, he was drafted and rose to the rank of colonel in the KISS Army.
The Viet Nam/Vietnam conflict was simply a blow up over whether the country’s name was one or two words. Tom Paxton wrote a great song on the subject:
Viet Nam or Vietnam
Do anybody know so we can go on?
All this questioning, nobody keeps calm.
Viet Nam or Vietnam?
We all know how to spell Saigon
But is it in Viet Nam or Vietnam?
The conflict and song also led to a sales run in KEEP CALM VIET NAM and KEEP CALM VIETNAM t-shirts.
T-shirts are illegal under Vietnamese law unless they show Ho Chi Minh, Che Guevara, Mao Zedong, Sandy Duncan or Bart Simpson.
Bart Simpson uses Sandy Duncan’s glass eye to play marbles. He pays Sandy for the use of her eye with Butterfingers.
Betty “Butter” Fingers is the world’s top marble player. She also took over for Sandy Duncan when she left Peter Pan.
Sandy Duncan and Sammy Davis Jr. once shared a glass eye when they were both financially insolvent. Sandy would get the eye during the day, and Sammy would get it at night. They would make the switch at Peter Falk’s house.
This caused a horrible scandal when it was revealed. Image a white girl and a black boy sharing anything. There was horrible speculation that the couple might have shared more than a glass eye. The New York Post ran a headline “The “EYE” has it.” The Enquire asked “What were Sandy and Sammy really eye-ing at Peter’s house?”
Peter Falk might have been on the approved list of Vietnamese T-shirts, but he flew 37 combat missions as a U.S. Air Force F-105 Thunderchief pilot and was quoted in a 1967 issue of Stars & Stripes as saying, “I regret that I have only one plane to drop bombs on those VC scum.” Sammy Davis Jr. is off the T-shirt list because Che Guevara hated his singing voice.
Che Guevara’s first name was actually Cher. He dropped the “r” because Sonny Bono kept giving him looks.