Fargo Fergus Falls has stood on the border of Minnesota/North Dakota for the past 26 years. He has become a fixture, and the locals have yet to figure out how he eats, uses the bathroom and sleeps, as they have never seen him doing anything but sitting on the border.
We need to learn which state is the residence of Fargo Fergus Falls then build a wall either against his nose or against his buttocks.
Eating was first discovered 2,396,781,641 years ago when a cyanobacteria named Blawnox grew bored of photosynthesis and ate his partner. Cunnilingus was discovered soon after.
Oops, didn’t notice boson’s post—my bad.
Recent attempts by celebrities at buttock-related photosynthesis has resulted solely in sunburned assholes.
Sunburned Assholes was the short lived side project of Rod Stewart and Al Stewart. The project was formed to celebrate their ten year wedding anniversary.
The Beach Boys cover band Sunburned Assholes consists of Wilson Pickett, Wilson Phillips, George Wilson, Wilson Wilson and Wilson Wheaton. Damn fine band.
The cover band was sued by the Stewarts for use of the name. Judge Brian Wilson dismissed the case, so the Sunburned Assholes, Stewarts edition, changed their name to Fun with Small Furry Animals.
Fun with Small Furry Animals has been sued by People For The Sexual Treatment of Animals, claiming they copyrighted the name, as having fun with small furry animals is part of their religion because it’s what Adam & Eve did in the Garden of Eden before their expulsion.
Cunnilingus was actually invented (or discover, if you will) when neither a woman nor her partner could get their fingers on a particular carrot. The year is not known but word spread like wildfire.
Oooh, man. Sorry, gang. I was on the wrong damned page. Cunnilingus? What was I thinking? I certainly wasn’t thinking about small furry animals.
Or was I?
“Wildfire” was actually written by L. Beethoven; Michael (Martin) Murphey changed just enough of it to avoid paying royalties.
When asked about his portrayal of the homosexual character Leon Carp on Roseanne, Martin Mull replied “There was always something fishy about him.”
Carp Diem was the phrase Catholic school kids used to warn each other of the approach of “meatless Fridays” during Lent. Translation: Fish day.
LARP Diem is a live-action role-playing game that’s all the rage with High Schoolers. They pretend they are medieval monks and nuns who devote their entire lives to the study and copying of the scriptures. That’s pretend, that is, as they don’t actually study or copy the scrolls at all.
GARP Diem was set to be a sequel to two movies starring Robin Williams The World According to Garp and Dead Poets Society. The story line had John Keating, having been fired from Wellton Academy, taking a post at the Sterling School, where he and T.S. Garp have a bunch of zany adventures, including running into Mrs. Doubtfire and listening to Good Morning Vietnam.
Sadly, the movie was never made.
GORP Diem was an attempt by the Good Ole Raisins and Peanuts Resource Council to attempt to get consumers to eat GORP on the 5th Friday of every month instead of granola. Though granola still has an iron-clad grip on the handful of snack mix market, they are certainly seeing quite a challenge from upstart GORP, Chex Mix, and Utz Pub Mix.
A mixture can only legally be called GORP if it contains raisins and peanuts. This has led to many, many lawsuits filed by the Good Ole Raisins and Peanuts Resource Council. They have also introduced bills in Congress to define GORP as a mixture of “Cheerios, raisins, peanuts and nothing else.”
Francis Xavier Gorp, of the Blawnox Gorps, is the great-grandson of Karl Augustus Gorp, the inventor of GORP. Sadly, Francis has a common (well, common among the in-bred Gorp clan) allergy to raisins. He has a special GORP made for him, and some of his cousin/brothers, that contains dried apricots rather than the allergen.
One of his sister/aunts teases him mercilessly about this by insisting he’s eating monkey ears. Once, she even purchased some actual monkey ears from a band of African gypsies camped outside Blawnox and replaced his dried apricots. There was a big shake-up on the board of GORP CORP that year, and needless to say, she is no longer the CFO.
“GORPCORPCFO” on a Triple Word score in Scrabble will net you 2254 points.
If you rearrange the letters in GORPCORPCFO, you get ROPCOGCOFPR!