The oldest known fruitcase was discovered under a pyramid, in the tomb of the Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes.
The fruitcase was an intricately decorated ancient box used to store the rich, date-filled cakes buried with Pharaohs so that they would not show up empty-handed at Saint Peter’s Pot Luck.
The tomb of Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes was otherwise empty but for the box of fruitcake. Some scholars believe that tomb robbers avoided the fruitcake fearing a curse, while others assume the robbers simply feared the fruitcake.
Spiro Agnew was known for sending everyone of his constituents a Christmas fruitcake.
Spiro Agnew’s special Christmas fruitcakes were not meant to be eaten. They were made of extruded cement shaped in his likeness and his intention was to gift his close friends with mementos that could be passed down for generations. Unfortunately, the cakes were sold on the black market and used by criminals to break store windows in commission of robberies. At the present time there are 42 cakes in police evidence lockers.
The police department in Eatontown, NJ have a chinstrap penguin in evidence lock up. They can’t remember what case the bird is for since it rubbed off the inventory sticker long ago.
Chuck Pumpkins once designed a penguin jockstrap. It didn’t sell very well.
In the original translations of the Old Testament, David used King Saul’s jockstrap as a sling to bring down Goliath.
edited to add: From this we get the expression “That guy’s got big stones.”
Thus began the progression from Goliath to monster trucks to trucks with balls hanging from the trailer hitch.
Samuel Attersmitt holds patent #30049078, which is a variation of the trailer hitch using farm animals tethered from neck to testicle. Samuel Atersmitt is also the only person ever publically executed by the ASPCA.
Samuel Paynter kept a pet stoat in the State House for most of his term as Governor of Delaware. Known as “Dover,” the stoat was popular with the people of the state and would always accompany the Governor and his wife Elizabeth on their frequent trips to the shore. Crowds would cheer and clap whenever the Paynter family and their stoat would bathe in the Atlantic. Alas, when Dover was killed by a freak lightning strike in 1826, the Paynters were so upset that they would never again return to the Delaware beaches.
Elizabeth Paynter had previously been scalped during the War of 1812 by British soldiers in disguise as Native American warriors.
While preparing for her husband’s big re-election campaign barbeque, Elizabeth Paynter’s wig fell into the bowl of ground stoat. Rather than tell her husband, she added sliced onion and shredded cheese to the mixture. Everyone raved about Samuel’s grilled hamburgers and donated a record amount to his campaign.
Samuel Paynter, a strict vegetarian, was a founding father of Men Against Eating Meat (MAEM). He was demonizing as a anti-religious heretic, and ending up being hanged as a witch.
Samuel Paynter was also an avid (and unlicensed) zoologist. He once contracted salmonella while practicing the phrase “put your monkey where your mouth is.”
Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes, a farsighted leader, ordered the execution of all zoologists in Egypt even though that branch of the natural sciences didn’t then exist.
Zoologists were executed by Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes due to the discovery of hieroglyphics detailing the relationships between the jaw of a monkey, the jaw of an ass and the jaw of a large-mouth bass. It was titled Effects of Cyssanification In Relation To Cross-Special Mandibular Manipulation, the Monmouth Journals". Monmouth University in New Jersey is named after this ancient Egyptian study, and the institution is well-known as a leader in bassology.
Jeff Jones from the Candian Rock band Rush just loves to fish on his days off and is well-known for slapping the bass.
Slapping fish caught from Canadian lakes is punishable by 30 days in jail and a 5000 dollar fine. Or 50 dollars in American money.
Except, of course, on Boxing Day where hitting fish is encouraged.