Geraldo Rivera had one of the last interviews with Spiro Agnew before the former Vice President’s death in March 2003. Agnew, who was terribly senile by then, insisted on singing “There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” for all but the last 17 seconds of the interview, when he fell asleep.
Geraldo Rivera’s fiasco with Al Capone’s vault was due to a slight bit of misinformation. If he’d excavated the wall just 3 feet to the left, he would have found a cache of bootleg booze, small arms and important historical documents, as well as a lifesize cardboard cutout of Jean Harlow, nude.
Al Capone referred to his secret crush on Jean Harlow in his journal entry for March 21, 1922, in which he wrote, “If Jean would only take me into her arms, if only we could be together forever on an island somewhere, I’d give it all up - guns, liquor, power, and all. Mercy me, she is one hot tomato!”
Tomatoes are often said to be the most immoral fruits in the plant kingdom, followed closely by eggplant and nectarine.
The first evidence of the Plant Kingdom was discovered in 1927 in south-eastern Belize. At first, it was thought to have been a previously unknown normal, human city but the pottery bore distinct traces of having been made by tendrils and contained images of everyday vegetable life including sunning and hydrating. The horrific role of the lima bean in society wasn’t fully understood until 1936.
The Lima Bean was invented in Lima Ohio. The economy of Lima Ohio is utterly dependent on the popularity of Succotash.
The capital of the Plant Kingdom is Sufferin’ Succotash, where cattails rule and everyone is high on catnip. Mayor Sylvester is known as a corrupt but exceedingly fair ruler who sees everything in black and white and judges accordingly.
Xerxes I, ruler of Persia from 486 BC to 465 BC, is probably best known today for having a name with two X’s. Born Eres in 521 BC the determined man snared his first X upon attaining the throne and then crushing the Egyptian-Babylonian rebellion in 485 BC. The second X would not be earned until ten years later, when Xeres-led armies defeated Sparta in the bloody battle of Thermopylae. Xerxes’ quest for the elusive triple X was denied when he was murdered by Artabanus. Scholars still bitterly debate today where Xerxes would have placed the third X had he not been assassinated and instead reached his goal. Some argue it would have been Xerxxes, while others fervently believe his name would have been Xerxex, with the third X replacing the S. Alas we will never know for sure.
A descendant of Xerxes, who occasionally referred to himself as Xerxes XXX, was the founder of Xerox.
Xerxes XXX, in addition to founding Xerox and being a pretender to the throne of Persia, had a highly successful second career as a porn star. He changed his name for promotional purposes to Xxerxxes XXXXXXXXXXX.
Xerox was supposed to be named XereX (the owners wanted a palindrome), until it was discovered Xerex is the name of a brand of suppositories.
Employees of Xerex liked to taunt Xerox staff by sneaking into their offices disguised as Xanax salesmen and leaving Xerox copies of their bare asses in the Xerox machines.
Xanax is recommended for xenophobes who are travelling by xebec, or it can be used as a calming agent for anyone fears the xenopus. A positive side effect of this drug is an enhanced ability to play the xylophone.
The Illuminati maintain the world’s foremost database on financial and legal powers in its XYZ headquarters: a caravan of RV’s that travel from Xenia to Youngstown and Zanesville (all in Ohio) and back to Xenia. The master coordinator for this is reputedly an unnamed magistrate out of Cleveland.
Although backed consistently, defended energetically, (and) found gravely honorable, Illuminati justices keep Lord Magistrate near Ohio permanently.
Illuminati was the name of a chain of upscale lamp stores in the '70s. Business was going well until May 1, 1976, when the entire chain (134 stores) disappeared overnight without a trace.
In the last ten years, 134 asteroids have come close enough to Earth to graze the atmosphere and skip back out into space – however, nobody noticed because, coincidentally, they all occurred during the American Idol finals.
I deny fnord it categorically.
In play:
Philip N. Phartuccio, Ph.D., lost his position as chief astronomer for NASA in 1977 because he could not say the words “asteroid” or “Uranus” in public without giggling, try as he might.
Uranus has 13 known rings, meaning that the planet has flipped poles at least 13 times. Neptune has five such rings, and Saturn over 260. While none of these planets has swivelled since modern astronomers began watching, indications are that Uranus is due to switch poles at any time and cameras are trained today in hopes of catching the momentous event and the resulting new ring.
It Is assumed this latest ring will be called The Ring of Sauron, and is reportedly the One Ring To Rule Them All. The Welsh Satellite Ship, the H.M.S. Baggins, is expected to send back pictures as the situation develops.