String cheese was invented by Sylvester “Smashing” Pumpkins, who got the idea after noticing a smashed pumpkin could be pulled apart into strings while he was listening to “Look Away, Whistle and Swing Their Feet,” one of the cheesiest songs ever written.
Dr. Stanghurtz Phartuccio, a brain surgeon and breeder of Arabian horses, has successfully used both pumpkin string and string cheese in repairing skull injuries in marmosets. He is awaiting FDA approval to use the technique on his human patients.
Dr. Stanghurtz Phartuccio should be getting such approval shortly. No, he really doesn’t know how to “pull some strings.” But in his spare time, he makes delicious jams and jellies, and is considered the world’s expert in marmalade setting.
Dr. Stanghurtz Phartuccio’s marvelous marmoset marmalade won the Nobel Prize for preserving the pieces.
The least popular flavor of marmalade is pomegranate.
The world’s largest pomegranate was grown in 1928 by Inez Dolenz. It was 4 feet in diameter, weights 1400 pounds, yet only contained 3 seeds, all of which proved to be infertile. However, it was the positioning of the seeds in the fruit that give Walt Disney the idea for the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head.
Inez’ grandson was the child actor Mickey Dolenz, star of *Circus Boy *and later a member of the Monkees. He was a large toddler, 4 feet in diameter and weighing 140 pounds. Before his ear surgery, his parents affectionately called him Dumbo.
Ironically enough, before his ear surgery, Mickey Dolenz had only had sex three times, none of which resulted in a child being born and all with Disneyworld cast members.
Mickey Dolenz’ brother, Fado, had sex 42,000 times with every Disneyworld cast member, the Broadway cast of CATS, and 19 members of WINO. To date, no one has been able to compile a complete list of his offspring.
Fado Dolenz chose to have sex with CATS and WINO because of an unfortunate run in with WAINSCOTing early in his childhood.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse divorced in 1967. Mickey has been seen with a number of starlets on his arm over the years, and was last seen trying to break up Roger Rabbit’s marriage by blackmailing Jessica into prolonged patty-cake sessions. Minnie quietly married Goofy in 1971. They have fifteen children.
[Wait a minute - Prof’s appears to be ninja’d so I’m posting my reply to Eutychus:]
The World Association of Insatiable Nymphomaniac Susans Caught On Tape met regularly in Piscataway D.C. in the basement of the Third Baptist Church of the Redeemed. Fado Dolenz and eight other members of Cub Scout Troop #2 were caught spying on the meeting through an open window. Police were never able to determine how many times the children had been exposed to the lurid goings-ons.
Turns out the old joke was true:
When Mickey Mouse went to seek divorce advice, he was told he couldn’t divorce Minnie due to insanity statutes. You can’t divorce her because she’s crazy, he was told. “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was f&^%ing Goofy,” MM squeaked.
Boy Scout Troop #2 recently and progressively overturned its decades-long ban on members who own divorced mice.
Divorced mice are quite happy, as long as the lab assistants feed them pizza and keep cold beer in their water bottles.
Divorced mice are happy, but it is a hollow type of happiness according to researchers.
The National Association of Mouse Ministers blames he Ashley Mousigan website for a marked increase in the divorce rate. The website’s slogan is “Cheese and Cheats”.
The famous ratters, Mice T, led a protest against the National Association of Mouse Ministers, taking to the streets and singing their #1 Billboard hit, “Yo Bitch is a Cheatin’ Velvetta”.
A 1999 Cambridge study tried to correlate several matrices in order to create an operational paradigm of the quintessential happy mouse. Responding mice were asked to rate certain stimuli on a happiness quotient scale in order to gauge a typical level of mouse positive life experience reaction relating to said stimuli. The most popular happiness measurement was, not surprisingly, cheese at 92%. Other responses included squeaking 81%, making baby mice 79%, scaring housewives 68%, skittering 66%, **Speedy Gonzalez **64%, scaring househusbands 64%, scaring elephants 58%, leaving droppings 51%, Mighty Mouse 42%, Hickory Dickory Dock 39%, Mice T 30%, eggplant 27%, the Dialogues of Pontilius 16%, Mr. Jingles 12%, broom 4% and **the cat **1%. When asked what practical information might be gleaned from these results, rodent psychologists were nonplussed.
“Scaring Elephants” was going to be the title of Pink Floyd’s follow up to the album “The Division Bell.” Complications arose in the studio and the band eventually shelved the project after Clayton Moore died. Nobody is actually sure how his death correlates with the band halting the work on their project.