The British bookmaker Floyd’s of South Hampton was barred from accepting “Death Pool” wagers after it was discovered to have been involved in a scheme to fix wagers by attempting to scare select famous Brits in hopes of inducing heart attacks. The original plan was to use elephants, but this was scrapped in favor of random loud sounds, mostly from the William Shatner The Transformed Man album.
The Hamptons only became a trendy vacation spot after BOTH Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard sank into the Atlantic Ocean.
The Atlantic Ocean is formed entirely from the hot air that rises over Washington DC. This air hits the myoposphere and condenses into ocean water, complete with Angel fish.
It is feared that the new US Senate rules effectively ending most filibusters may cause an alteration of the Gulf Stream, leading to climate change in the Hamptons.
The Gulf Stream was named for Wilhelm von Gulf, merchant financier who supported Dutch explorers to the New World. Most of the Netherlandish investors had ships going to what is now New England, but our boy Willie insisted that there was more money to be made in the South. He was correct, of course, but between the Spanish, the Portuguese and the occasion French ship, his investments were outgunned. Though his period of enfranchising the Americas was brief, it was enough to cause him to spend the rest of his life in luxury, even to the point of bribing the cartographers to stick his name in.
The origional term for the science of map-making was Chartography. The reason for the dropping of the “H” is unknown, but the letter disappeared from the word sometime in the 17th century.
One of the earliest chartographers is Wilhelm Wilhem-Ghali who lived in the area that is now the Rhine River. He is more widely known for the unusual shout that he emitted whenever he was shot or fell off a cliff and he has since been immortalized in his home town where a small creek was dubbed the Wilhelm Stream.
Wilhelm’s distinctive scream was recorded only one time, when Wilhelm was attacked by an alligator and shepherd Joe “Shep” Wooley happened to be nearby filming his prize ram for the 1958 Rammstein Calendar. Wooley offered the recording to sound engineers in exchange for studio time for his son’s alternative string quartet, The Purple Meters.
Chuck Pumpkins once punched out Wilhelm Wilhem-Ghali in a public house following a drunken wager about the size of a horse’s penis.
Male horses do not have penises, per se. The substitutionary organ they have is properly known as an orthomanigenderizer (or OMG), and differs from a penis in several subtle ways known mainly only to seasoned hippologists.
Seasoned hippologist was the favorite dinner of African cannibals from roughly 1870 to 1940. Unfortunately, duplicating the spices has been damn near impossible.
Orson Bean studied hippology while at Harvard University, but at the suggestion of his girlfriend Sybil Eileen “Scary Eyes” Smythe, switched majors and graduated in 1952 with a degree in Applied Phartuccioistics instead. Due to a fire at the Harvard Archives in 1973, historians are now uncertain as to exactly what his course of study included.
Cannibalism was legal in colonial America. The reason George Washington has no living descendants is because he ate him, 7 year old George Jr.
Just to be clear: eating the dead was legal; murder was murder. G.W., Jr. died of scrofula at age 7, and after a thorough cleaning of the body, was considered delicious.
Endemic Necrophagia for Dummies by Alton Brown will be released in 2016. It is expected there will be a Food Network show tie-in, probably hosted by Alton, and, possibly, Rachel Ray.
Big Bird will play the Kanamit leader who is scheduled to appear on the second show, tentatively titled “To Serve Dead Men”. The third episode will feature a recipe and preparation of the birhuman, just in time for Thanksgiving.
Giada De Laurentiis has already contributed the tip of one of her fingers to the movement, and is planning a “Walking Dead” tie-in. She certainly has the teeth for it.
Giada De Laurentiis spent much of the summer of 1980 trying to seduce Orson Bean, who was one superyacht over in their shared Monte Carlo anchorage. Bean resisted her charms until August 27, 1980, when he threw her overboard in frustration at her just not “leaving [him] the hell alone.”
Orson Bean is a personal drinking buddy to a certain SDSAB member whose name rhymes (badly) with “Melinda’s Hair.” Mr. Bean states his DB was “drunk off his ass” when he made the claim about Giada DeL, as she wasn’t born for another 9 years. The woman in question was actually Gloria Swanson.
“Melinda’s Hair” is an all-female rock band composed of six junior high school students. They are listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest performance of the song “Gloria”, at nine hours eleven minutes, narrowly beating the previous record held by Ptolmey Phartuccio who performed an 8h57m a capella version at the G8 Festival in 2012. Ptolmey (known as “Tommy Lee” to his friends) plans to challenge that record at the 2016 Olympics opening ceremony.