Okay, I need as many opinions on this as I can get.
I have a dilemma.
I am getting married next May. Tracey, who I have been friends with since 14, is one of my oldest friends. In the past few years we have kinda drifted apart. We are not nearly as close as we once were. I am getting the feeling that she is expecting me to ask her to be my M-o-H. She asked me to be hers a few years ago, but she was getting married in the Dominican and I couldn’t afford to travel.
Cheryl, who has been my best friend in the past 4 years is who I want to be my M-o-H.
How do I get around this without hurting Tracey? For my previous wedding :rolleyes: , I did everything that was expected of me, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. My sister was my M-o-H for my last wedding, and Tracey was one of my bride’s maids.
We are getting married a few hundred km’s away. Is there a special task I can appoint her to? Will that just make matters worse?! What about having her be our Emcee? She knows enough about me to embarass the heck outta me!
HELP, PLEASE!! I need all the help I can get on this one!
I’ve been the “Tracey” in this situation, and I can vouch that it sucks to be picked over for someone “newer”.
My best friend and I have been best friends since the 7th grade. Even though we were living together in college at the time she got engaged, she had become close friends with someone else back home. She did what I think you should do: she had co-maids of honor. I was STILL hurt, but only bruised. I had devoted ten years to our friendship, and to be placed next to someone she’d only known for two years really sucked, but at least I wasn’t just cast aside. What hurt worse, however, was that she allowed her other friend to hold and give her the ring during the ceremony. The only way I was able to justify that was because the other girl had done all of the wedding stuff with her that I was not around to do. She had moved back home, two hours away, after getting engaged, so I couldn’t exactly do all the showers and planning that I technically should have done, but the other girl lived there too, so she could do all the wedding stuff with relative ease.
So what you need to ask yourself is, does your friendship with Cheryl mean more to you than your history with Tracey? If Tracey has been a good friend for years and years, it doesn’t seem right to overlook her just because you have a new friend. I say have both of them. I suppose you could make Tracey an emcee, but chances are, she’ll still be hurt.
Of course, if one of them is married but the other isn’t, then just have a Matron of Honor and a Maid of Honor.
I think you should ask who you want to be your MOH…remember it’s YOUR wedding, not Tracey’s. What did she say to make you think she wants you to ask her? If she gets upset that you don’t ask her to be MOH, well, then I can certainly understand why you have drifted apart.
If you want her to be bridesmaid, then ask her, no need to give her a special task just to make her feel better.
I would recommend simply asking her if she’d be willing to be in the bridal party, emphasizing how important it is to you that she share that special day with you. Don’t say “bridesmaid” vs. “M-o-H”. That way you let her know you want her to be part of the ceremony without getting hung up on titles. You will have to tell her eventually, but that’s something that you can do more easily and gradually over time; if she straight out asks, you can simply tell her of your choice and your reason. She may simply get the hint and not make it an issue. If she asks if there’s anything special she can do in the meantime, I’d see if she has any ideas she can volunteer; otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about it unless you have something in mind for the day of.
Briefly, ask her to be part of the bridal/wedding party but don’t mention any title. Emphasize the importance of her sharing that special day with you but don’t bring up specific duties or anything that’ll differentiate her from the others. If she asks straight out, don’t lie but give her the basic reason. Hopefully, by accepting the invitation to be in the bridal party (not be a “bridesmaid”), it’ll defuse the question; eventually, she’ll have to know but hopefully she’ll get the hint without making it too awkward for everyone.
If Cheryl is single your answer is really simple: Make Cheryl your maid of honor and Tracey your matron of honor. Or just have no maid of honor at all and just have bridesmaids. Or have two maids of honor, heck it is your wedding after all.
I am not a believer in basing the value of a friendship merely on “time served”, nor am I a believer in doling out wedding party slots as an indicator of the importance of a friendship.
(Easy for me to say: I’ve been in three weddings over the last five years, and will be a happy gal if I never see another pair of dye-to-match shoes again.)
Yes, it’s an honor to be chosen to stand next to a dear friend as she makes one of the most important commitments in her life. And yes, it’s fun to get to participate in all of the girly hullabaloo beforehand (the showers, the bachelorette parties, etc.)
But, IMO, a friend who would feel resentful about not being chosen as your MOH (especially if she at least made the wedding party cut!) doesn’t really have your best interests at heart, and what kind of friend is that? And whose day is it, anyway? I have a couple of good, long-term friends who did not ask me to be in their weddings, and though my mother was mad about it, I was pleased as punch to be invited to the wedding, and to be able to score free food and booze on the Special Day, without any heavy responsibilities!
That said, I vote for the “Co-maid” option, if you really don’t see another way out.
The thing is this. We are paying for this wedding ourselves and we’ve planned on it being a very small ceremony. I was only planning on having 1 person stand up with me.
True, Tracey has been in my life longer and we do have a history. I honesly feel closer to Cheryl. I am her child’s Godmother. We spend a lot of time together. Tracey and I haven’t been very close in the last 7 years or so.
Ugh.
Tracey hasn’t said anything specific, just a feeling I have.
Another snafoo, T & C don’t seem to get along very well.
I have a decision to make. If I have co-m-o-h’s, that means doing something I don’t want to do just to satisfy others, like I did at my previous wedding. I am SOOOO confused.
I don’t know that you’re going to find the perfect solution. You want to do what you want, but you want to make everybody happy, too. Your preference seems to be clear - you want Cheryl. Now you have to decide whether it’s worth it to you to stick by that, regardless of hurt feelings (which will probably heal over time), or do as others are suggesting and bow to the pressure and be the one who’s day isn’t exactly as she wishes. In either case, someone isn’t going to be absolutely thrilled. You have to decide who that someone will be.
I guess we all have different ways of looking at things. Like auntie em I don’t believe in seniority in friendships. On the other hand, I also don’t have any longtime friends because I’ve moved many, many times. I’m not still friends with even one person from my childhood, or even my college years.
I can’t help you much, but since you said you wanted as many opinions as possible, mine is that you make Cheryl your MoH.
When I was younger (probably college aged) I promised my sister she would be my MoH. We realllllly grew apart in the meantime, and when I got married, she was not my maid of honor. I didn’t even have a maid of honor, and my sister didn’t even come to the wedding (on the other side of the country). Yet, we don’t hold any ill feelings towards each other about this issue. Other issues, definitely, but not the wedding.
I really do think this says it all. I remember when we paid for our own wedding, we swore that every decision would be based on what we wanted, not what others desired or expected. In planning a wedding, you’re never going to make everybody happy, so make sure you do what’ll make you happiest. This is a big decision and if Cheryl means that much to you, then you are entitled to let everybody else know that, regardless of anyone else’s feelings. Only the petty would let this have a long-term impact on the way they treat your friendship. It’s unreasonable for your friend to expect you to discount all your other friendships purely for the sake of history; auntie em put it best, IMHO.
Another possibility is just not to have any attendents at all. No wedding police will bear down on you if you don’t. The only possible snag I can see in this is if your fiancee has someone he really wants to be his best man. But there is no law that you have to match.
Another possibility: does your husband have any close female friends/sisters? If so, ask one of them to be your MOH and tell your girlfriends that it was a big faovr he asked of you. Don’t be catty about it, or act like it’s a favor you resent doing, just say 'Oh, Mark really wants his sister to be in the wedding party, and we are getting to be good friends, so I asked her. Now come help me pick out flowers"
I vote for having Cheryl as your MOH. It’s your wedding. What you do should not be chosen based on guilt, but based on how you want to celebrate this special moment in your life.
Having two MOH’s is crazy, in my opinion. Why not just make all of the bridesmaids “Maid of Honor”? Then make all the female guests bridesmaids. That way no one feels left out. God knows how degrading it is to just be a guest at your wedding.
Yep, go with Cheryl. If she’s who you currently feel closer to, then that’s who should be standing up with you. Even though you have a long history with Tracey, it’s been SEVEN YEARS since you felt close to her. Find something else important for her to do - in fact, here’s a suggestion: ask her to be the “dressing room savior” - even though you are only having one attendent, there’ll probably still be that harried period when you’re trying to get dressed/ready. It’s very helpful to have someone there who’s prepared with emory boards, clear nail polish, safety pins, bobby pins, needle & thread, saltine crackers for last-minute-bouts-of-nervousness-due-to-not-eating, etc. It was great for me to have someone like that at my wedding. I didn’t have to think of anything because I knew she’d take care of it all. A rather important function in a wedding, really, if it’s a very small wedding.
Well, I guess I’m a bad friend who doesn’t have my best friend’s best interests at heart. My feelings were hurt. There. I said it. I’m a bad bad bad bad friend. I wonder why it is that she still puts up with me?
It’s not that easy, auntie em. Friendships are complicated, and when our “importance” is questioned, it hurts. Yeah, I’d love to say that I was mature enough that it didn’t bother me, but I wasn’t. Now, I DID NOT express my hurt feelings to my friend, nor did I allow my hurt feelings to affect her wedding in any way. I did, however, experience some resentment. She is my only best friend. She is the only best friend I have ever had. It hurt like hell, and her marriage in general left a huge gap in my life that only added insult to injury. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.
That said, it sounds to me, Lady Venom, like you should go with Cheryl. You know you want to, and honestly it doesn’t sound like Tracey should be too surprised. It’s your second wedding; do it your way this time.
I’m going to be in a wedding in a few months and the bride has two maids of honor ( well, a matron and maid), her best friend and her sister. I don’t see anything wrong with it. The entire bridal party gets along great (thank god) and as far as I can tell, there’s no resentment amongst the matron and maid of honor. I don’t see what difference it’ll make if you have 1 or 2 attendants.
Cost wise, in al ofl the weddings I have been in, the maid has paid for about 95% of her participation (dress, hair, ect.) if it avoids an old friend getting her feelings hurt (I don’t think it’s petty, hurt is hurt, no matter what the reason) I don’t see what harm having one more attendant will do.
Shrew, I didn’t mean to imply that I thought you were a bad person (in fact, based on what I know about you from this board, you seem like a groovy person–I bet I’d really dig you IRL). And we all have every right to feel however we feel about something. We can’t help it. I’m glad, however, that you didn’t make your resentment known to your friend, and it doesn’t seem like there have been any residual effects on your friendship because of the whole MOH thing, which is also good.
I also didn’t mean to imply that it’s a simple situation. I just think that on top of everything else that a bride has to worry about, she shouldn’t have to worry about losing or destroying a friendship by having things the way she wants them on her Big Day (assuming that she’s being reasonable, and that she doesn’t, say, demand that all bridesmaids weigh in at 125 by the big day, or pay for liposuction). I’ve known some bridezillas in my day, and sometimes it does takes a great deal of self-control to zip your lip, but IMO a true friend will do so. And you did so. That makes you a good friend.
And besides, in the greater scheme of things, the MOH thing is far less important than, say, whether or not she’d give you a kidney.
Another factor that hasn’t really been brought up yet is that there are duties expected of a maid of honour - which of the two (or someone else entirely) would be a better choice for the position? I’m having two ladies in my bridal party, my sister and my best friend. My friend is my moh rather than my sister, because I know that my friend will do everything expected of her, on time, without the slightest problems. I can’t say the same about my sister (and she knows it - she was happy to not be chosen moh).
The idea of assigning jobs is a good one, I think. Work with people’s strengths; I’ve asked my sister’s boyfriend to do digital photography at the wedding, and another friend to make wine for us (which is his hobby). There’s lots of stuff to go around; I’ve tried to let people know that I’m trying to include them in our day, not just take advantage of them.
Whatever you do, don’t end up doing something that ultimately will leave you feeling resentful and upset. This is, when it is all said and done, your wedding and your day.
Frankly, MOH is basically a symbolic position. It’s unfortunate that it’s been turned into a symbol of “this is my best friend ever”, though and not what it was intended for - which was to indeed be an attendant. Actually, it was usually customary to have a matron (married) of honor and not a maid (unmarried) with the idea that the married woman would have already undergone a wedding and thus would be more suited to help out the bride, since she’d been there and done that, so to speak.
Anyway, to give you a bit of a flip side to all of this, I have a friend who a matron of honor for a woman with whom she doesn’t share much of a bond. The bride is marrying her husband’s best friend. How she even ended up in the wedding party is beyond her. To be her matron of honor is frankly, a duty she didn’t really want. But, she felt that it would be too rude to say that she didn’t want to do it. Being someone’s MOH in this day and age basically comes down to shelling out a few hundred (or possibly thousand dollars). And my friend frankly isn’t too happy to be doing that.
So, some people kind of like the idea of being off the hook.
Now to give you some actual concrete advice from a former bride… I would say to have Cheryl as your attendant (just call her that - your “attendant” - since you won’t have any other bridesmaids) and ask Tracey to do a reading during the ceremony.
