It isn’t. My ex-fiancé is still dealing with the scars from his own POS mother. He’s in his late twenties and can’t keep a relationship together for more than a couple of years because of issues stemming from her. No mother would have been much more stable for his formative years.
Anecdotal, I know, but he’s not the only one of my friends who’s had to deal with absentee/POS divorced parents. It really hurts the kids later on when they’re adults.
And I don’t normally get emotional about these kinds of things either, but hell - that is so sweet on so many levels!
As I’ve grown up and looked back on many weird childhood stuff - and especially as I’ve started talking about such things with other people - it’s become clear that no-one has the perfect family, friends, upbringing, etc. Being surrounded by the kinds of people like Jodi, RickJay, etc. are what helps to make people well-rounded and confident individuals despite (or maybe even because of) the flaky selfish people that everyone encounters at some point or another.
The thing I’ve taken from this thread is that you don’t have a choice, you have to make the best of whatever family you have.
As a kid, that can often mean just surviving it.
At the very least, Jodi’s SIL bitch from hell, is keeping in touch.
The niece can work from experience, which may be disappointing for her as she works towards the same ratio of Fond memory vs broken promises that her younger sibling has reached already. It will give her the judgment to deal with peoples actions rather than their words when she is an adult. A very good skill to have.
I know of kids with no experience at all of one parent (or either) who stuck them on pedestals. They often blamed the present parent for keeping their idolised parent away.
In that respect, it could well be better to have a POS parent than none at all.
Hey, how’d the weekend go?
It went pretty well. We went to the children’s museum, saw a 3-D movie on sharks at the IMAX, and went out for dinner one night and lunch the next day. We did a bit of shopping, made cookies, and played games. (Jenga, anyone?)
The ex apparently told the kids she couldn’t come because she was having surgery on her kidneys. My brother is 90% certain this is complete BS, based on a history of her claiming dramatic personal crises that all ended up to be complete lies. (That’s how she avoids things she doesn’t want to do: Her grandma died. Her mom is sick. She herself is having surgery. Etc.) But it is not inconceivable she’s telling the truth this once, and so we didn’t argue with the kids as they told us that. We probably wouldn’t have told them even if we knew that was just another lie, because there wouldn’t be any point to making explicit that their mother is a big honkin’ irresponsible self-centered manipulative liar. (Ahem.)
But we didn’t talk about it much at all. Kids are so resilient; the 8 y.o. had cried it out and was more interested in begging for stuff from the museum store than contemplating her relationship with her absent mother (or lack thereof). AFAICT, the 6 y.o. boy doesn’t care either way. Anway, we took our cues from them and, as people here so wisely suggested, just kept them busy. The kids were actually very well behaved (like all kids, sometimes they are not) and my brother was very helpful – he hung some curtain rods and a big mirror for me and helped me move a piece of furniture. So it was a very good weekend, not overly splashy but busy enough and fun.
I think the bottom line is that we believe that these children will eventually have to learn the hurtful truth that their mother is unreliable and not to be trusted to do as she says. But they will learn that through experience, not because we have told them so. They will learn it through repeated disappointment, but I don’t think there’s much I can do as an aunt except be there to pick up the pieces. That’s not to say the whole situation doesn’t really, really piss me off, because it does.
I have been fortunate that my daughter mostly has written her father off entirely (at the grand old age of 14) but I do remember the knight in shining armor (or was it the multimillionare toymaker) that he was when she was 7 or so. I have also been very lucky in my choice of stepfather for her. Now-a-days I am kind of glad I don’t have to share. I don’t have to choose between Christmas or Thanksgiving or whether she can go to the slumber party because it is his weekend, or any number of the things that seem to pull apart my sister’s children.
The one thing I would like to caution you on in all of this is make sure that the things you do to get their mind off of problems do not always involve money (or food). It can make for a lifetime of trying to buy their way into happiness. I did see you did do some stay at home type stuff, and thats good. A picnic or making cookies or figuring out how to make a kite out of newspaper or even Jenga can be good. If you know things like knitting or woodworking those might be good options. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood are the times I was at grandmas and my aunt taught me to knit and my grandmother taught me embroidery. I know now that those were to keep me busy while my brother was in the hospital again.
When my mom was little she was sent to live with her grandmother for a summer because my grandmother had some type of complication after my aunt was born. Mom remembers being alowed to build a playhouse out of an old cardboard box and fabric scraps. Her aunts and uncles helped.
If you cook, having her help in the kitchen would be far more fun than eating out. Camping can be wonderful even if only in the back yard. All of those things can be far more fun than trying to buy it, and involve more of grownups (which is what they need) than slapping down a credit card.
Your brother sounds like a pretty good guy, at least. I’m happy his children get to grow up with at least one real human being for a parent.
brownie, I’m curious: What changed your mind?
-FrL-
What changed my mind was the flash going off in my head that if all those folks were telling me what an ass I was, they might be right. As I said in an earlier post, I saw a buch of guys, and yes, they were all men, roasted in the same way as done by the OP. None of them were, in fact, bad people, just maligned by a malevolent entity. I saw Jodi in the role of malevolent maligner and responded as if she were.
Here is the kicker. My ex-wife could have been Jodi’s SIL. There was a part of me that so wanted no children to have to experience what my own did, that I rebelled against that possibility. Reverse projection I guess. So I snapped. I made false accusations and made an ass out of myself.
Lucky for me that the folks on the board are really smart. They saw right through me and called me out. I was wrong. It hurts like fire to know how wrong I was. I hope that my time off will make me a better poster, and I will work my nuts off to learn from this. When I said I wanted to be a force for good, I meant it with all my heart. This place is an amazing resource for discussion, and I want to encourage that, not poison it like I did before. Bricker said that coming back to own up to my mistake had to hurt, and it did. Confessing to you has hurt even more. That’s my last hijacking of this thread, my email is in my profile for anyone that would like to talk more.
With respect,
brownie55
Thank you Brownie, my earlier post about you was also uncalled for. You are much stronger than I think I could have been. I can understand where you were coming from.
Welcome back.
SSG Schwartz
My hat is off to you, brownie– Take care of yourself.
Jodi-sounds like a nicely balanced weekend. The kidney surgery story will show itself soon enough (kidney surgery is usually fairly major–unless she is calling a renal ultrasound or similar “surgery”). Those types of oupt tests are rarely done on the weekends (if at all); same with most major surgeries(non-emergent that is). Our outpt surgery is open on Saturdays, but we rarely have such a big case on that day. I think your BS-o-meter is spot on.
Brownie, I’ve got nothing but respect and goodwill for you. Anyone can lose thier cool and post something stupid or even vile on a messageboard.
It takes real character to come back, admit that you were wrong, and to talk about it the way you have.
Best wishes to you.
Coming late to the party, as usual. But I have a few suggestions to consider that might help the kids cope with their non-mother. FWIW, they’re based on past history, and helping a kid in a similar situation maybe get through childhood relatively unscarred. (A girl, 12, living w/ her father who pointedly lets her know he doesn’t even like her because–get ready to barf–the girl looks like the ex-wife. And she’s the spittin’ image of him.)
Anyway, furlibusea made some very good points. It’s one thing to distract kids when painful crap hits, but that might well lose effectiveness as they get older. Their mother’s defections must be the trickiest times but they cope with her indiffernence on a regular basis. The broken promises just highlight the problem.
FWIW, it can mean the world to a kid to know that an adult thinks of them, and thinks the world of them. Their mother doesn’t care about them, and every day they realize it a little more. Shitty fact. Maybe you can help buffer that by just little things, like sending them cards, or writing e-mails or calling them. I still remember the absolute thrill when a great-aunt sent a card just to me. Every abandoned kid wonders sometime, somehow, if it’s their fault. Having an adult, Aunt Jodie, tell 'em in little ways that she thinks of them because she wants to and they’re great could be a lot of comfort.
Best to you and yours, Jodie.