I’m having a lousy week, and I could use a laugh. Got a joke? Tell it! Got a funny website? Link it! I need more 
and less 
(I mean, who couldn’t, right?)
Let the funny commence.
~Winston, sourpuss.
Where do the Russians keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business, The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained. “One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in
fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”
Kalhoun, Dolores, thank you! Keep 'em coming!
I got nothing, I’m having a blah day too.
Try this , when all else fails, it cracks me up.
I linked this last night, but if you missed it, it’s sure to brighten your day.
Being a kid was the greatest.
Nintendo Sixty-fooooooouuuurr from the youtube website.
[work safe, includes audio and video]
Little Jimmy: “Daddy what do catepillers taste like? “
Dad: “Jimmy, I told you not to ask questions like that at the dinner table. “
Mom: “Why would you ask a disgusting question like that Jimmy?”
Little Jimmy: “Because there was one crawling on Daddy’s lettuce a moment ago.”
Hope you Enjoyed,
Jim {my daughter’s favorite silly Daddy joke}
My youngest sister’s favorite joke when she was 6 or so (she’s 40 now…)
Sis: Ask me if I took a bath last night!
Victim: Did you take a bath last night?
Sis: Why, is one missing??
<insert much hilarity>
A woman walks in to a doctor’s office. She has french fries stuck up her nose and bananas in her ears.
The doctor says “You’re not eating right.”
That totally rocked. I’m going to play it for Mr. K tomorrow (which is Peanut Butter and Jelly day for his lunch).
A horse walks into a bar…
the bartenders asks, “So, why the long face?” :rolleyes:
tsfr
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken takes a drag on a cigarette, smiles at the egg and says “I guess that answers that question”.
Find a dumb person that you don’t like much. Say, “What to hear knock-knock joke?” They say “Sure”. Say “You start”. They say, “Ok, Knock-knock”. You reply “Who’s there?”
Stare then walk away.
Irish Sweepstakes winner Liz O’Dell calling Dublin Dairy Farm;
“I just came into alot of money and have have always wanted to take a milk bath. Price is no issue, so please deliver enough milk to fill my tub.”
“Right away, Miss O’Dell, would you like that milk pasteurized?”
“I don’t think that’ll be necessary, just up to me tits.”
Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
You ever notice how ironic it is that the pilgrims left from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth?
Good stuff.
Another reason to , a fine young man from Symantec managed to get my broken backups working again (yes, I actually lose sleep over such things).
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
Ve vill be asking ze qvestions from now on!
A skeleton walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “Hi, I’ll have a beer and a mop please.”
A man went to a bar at the top of a 100 story hotel. He sat down a few seats away from another patron, who was leaned over his drink. The man ordered and just before he was about to take a sip the other man looked at him, straightened his glasses and said, “Hey, did you know that big window over there opens up?” The first man shook his head. “Yeah, not only that, the updraft is so strong that if you jump out, you’ll just float there, watch!” So the man got up, opened the window and jumped out. Sure enough, he floated in the air, then climbed back inside. He said “Ok, now you try!” The first man excitedly got up and jumped out the window, only to fall to his death. The second man sat down with a smile on his face. The bartended shook his head and said, “You know what, you sure can be a jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Mickey Mouse was talking to his lawyer.
The lawyer said “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy.”
Mickey said “I didn’t say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.”
We need a <SPLORT!> smilie for milk-out-the-nostrils-laughter.
The world’s funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”