One of my favorite unhappy jokes is a real-life anecdote about a woman who complained about the LBJ administration’s involvement in the Vietnam War. She said, “I was told that if I voted for Goldwater we would be at war within 6 months. I did - and we were.”
Any other unhappy/sad/sour grapes/angry jokes?
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
J. Robert Oppenheimer
This unfortunately prophetic Onion article from 2001: Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
A neurotic builds castles in the clouds, a psychotic lives in them, the shrink collects the rent.
And again in 2012:
After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
“I voted for Mitterrand because he said he would tax the rich. Then he said I was rich!”
A man walks up to a news stand and looks at the headlines of the morning edition.
The attendant asks “sir, would you like to buy the news paper?”
To which the man answers “No, I’m just checking the obituaries.”
The attendant then says “but sir, the death notices aren’t on the front page.”
The man says “the son of a bitch I’m waiting for will be!”
A genie appears to a guy, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes. But there’s a catch - whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets twice as much.”
The guy says, “I want a hundred million dollars.” Poof! He has the hundred million, and his mother-in-law has two hundred.
The guy says, “I want a mansion.” Poof! He has a mansion, and his mother-in-law has two mansions.
“Okay”, says the guy. “Now fuck me half to death.”
Regards,
Shodan
Same genie offers another guy three wishes. Guy wishes for a brand new mansion. POOF There it is. Guy wishes for a brand new expensive car POOF There it is.
Guy says “I’ll take the car for a spin before making my third wish.” Genie says okay.
As he’s driving, he turns on the radio and stars singing with the commercial jingle “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meier Weiner.”
Same genie appears a third time to three guys who’ve been stranded on a desert island for years. He says they can each have one wish.
The first guy says “My wish is easy. I wish I was back home with my family.” And poof, he disappears.
The second guy says “What he said. I also wish I was back home.” And poof, he disappears.
The third guy says “Wow, I’m going to be lonely on this island all by myself. I wish those guys were back here.” And poof…
A man comes upon a Native American lying with his ear to the ground.
“What’s going on?”
“White woman. . .1994 blue Jeep Wrangler. . .Montana plates.”
“Wow, you can tell that just by listening to the earth?”
“Fuck no, man, the bitch just ran me over!”
Man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender tells him no dogs allowed.
“But this is a talking dog!”
“Yeah, right.”
“Seriously. Listen, if I make him talk, will you give me a free drink?”
“Sure, it’s a slow day.”
“Okay. Rover, what’s the top of a house called?”
Rover: “Roof!”
Bartender: “Very clever; get the fuck out.”
Man: “No, wait, that wasn’t a good question. Rover, how does sandpaper feel?”
Rover: “Ruff!”
Bartender: ::grabs man and dog by their scruffs and throws them out the door.::
Man: “Well, shit, that didn’t work well at all.”
Rover: “Hey, fuck him. Let’s try the next block.”
The bumper sticker that says: “Don’t blame me, I voted for McGovern”. My brother had this proudly displayed this on his car in 1973.
I went to the grocery store to buy a quart of milk, a six-pack of soda, and four TV dinners.
“Ah.” The check-out woman smiled. “I can tell that you’re single.”
“Is it the TV dinners?”
“No, you’re horribly ugly.”
I think this site should have a permanent joke thread. Never goes away. Depressed people can come to it in a few years and spend days just reading jokes.
Woman is walking along with her little dog tucked under her arm. A drunk coming the other way says “Man, that’s one ugly pig!” Woman says “It’s not a pig, it’s a dog!” Drunk says “I was talking to the dog.”
Two golfers were on the course early one Sunday morning when a funeral cortege drove by. One golfer removed his hat and stood at attention as it passed. “Wow,” said the other golfer, “that’s really respectful of you.” “Least I could do, old bean,” said the first. “Next Tuesday, we would have been married for forty-one years.”
A cowboy was riding across the range when a column of smoke led him to a burning conestoga wagon. Next to it, a beautiful woman was staked out naked on the ground. “Thank god!” she said. “Outlaws killed my husband, raped me, took our valuables and our children, set fire to everything else, and rode off to the west!” The cowboy jumped off his horse, then started to unbuckle his jeans. “Ma’am,” he said, “I guess this just ain’t your lucky day.”
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What did the paraplegic, blind, deaf little boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Same genie appears a fourth time to Weight Watchers bus tour. Each one is tired of being unattractive, so each wishes to be transformed into a beautiful person. Poof! They all run off happily with their new lives.
Last, the genie comes up the bus driver laughing hysterically. The genie asks what’s so funny.
“My wish: Turn them back!”
In a small shtetl in Eastern Europe, the populace hears that a Christian girl has been murdered. Alarmed, the rabbi calls all the men of the community to the shul so they can plan how to defend themselves. Twenty minutes after the meeting starts, the cantor rushes in. “Good news, everybody!” he says. “It was a Jewish girl who was killed!”