A woman’s husband goes missing, so she calls the cops. A day later, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cops.
“I’m afraid we have good news and bad news, ma’am. Which would you like first?”
“Give me the bad news.”
“We found your husband this morning when we dredged him up out of the bijou. He was covered with crabs, crayfish and oysters.”
“That’s horrible! What’s the good news?”
“We’re pulling him up again at 4 p.m.”
I’d mention the backstreet abortionist who gave it all up when his ferret died, but it’s a little bit sick.
^^^ Insert post/poster line here…
Now that was funny.
What’s the definition of a nymphomaniac? Anyone who wants sex more frequently than you.
That’s actually from The Silver Stallion by James Branch Cabell. James Branch Cabell - Wikiquote
Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true—except for the rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge. —Knoll’s Law of Media Accuracy, Erwin Knoll, editor, “The Progressive”
A true pessimist knows that whether the glass is half empty or half full is a minor detail since someone’s going to knock it over shortly anyway.
My mother had a button that said that. I still have it.
Back in the days of the great European yeshivas, it was customary for rich parents to want their daughters to marry great Torah scholars, whose scholarship they would then support, in the hopes in being patrons of the next Maimonedes, and having brilliant grandchildren.
So, there’s a story that once, two wealthy families who had “made it” after coming to America, went to their rabbi, and asked him to write to the Volozhin Yeshiva, and ask that its two greatest scholars be sent to America to marry their daughters. The families would pay travel, and make a large donation to the yeshiva. So the rabbi made arrangements.
Times being what they were, and a six week boat trip required, and all, sadly, one of the young men died aboard ship, so only one man arrived to be welcomed by two families, each wanting him to marry their oldest daughter.
The rabbi was asked to settle the debate. He said “Fortunately, there is a precedent for this. Solomon was once asked to find the mother of an infant, and said he would divide the infant in half. So I’ll just divide the young man in half, and give half to each family.”
The first family said “Sounds fair to us.”
But the second said “No! Rebbe, you mustn’t! do anything else! Give him to the other family, only don’t kill him!”
The rabbi turned back to the first family and said “He is yours, for you are the true in-laws.”
The pragmatist thinks the glass is too big, while the physicist knows the glass is half full of water, and half full of air.
The English major says “I can’t answer that unless I know whether you were filling it up, or pouring it out.”
Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
A: It was dead.
Brutal. Funny, but brutal.
What’s the definition of a lesbian? A woman who doesn’t want to have sex with you.
What’s the definition of a bitch? A woman who acts like a man.
What’s the definition of a slut? A woman who acts like a man sexually.
The engineer says “that glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
Regards,
Shodan
Insert bayou in original joke unless the victim was found in a movie theater. 
Related joke: “You’re the second pregnant woman I’ve rescued today!”
“I’m not pregnant!”
“You’re not rescued yet, either!”
What’s the difference between a bimbo and a slut? A bimbo will have sex with anyone. A slut will have sex with anyone except you.
Why did (insert name) cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.
A woman is walking down the street with her two kids.
A man stops and asks her “are those twins?”
The woman, a bit perplexed says “How can you think their twins? They’re obviously several years apart, one is 4 inches taller than the other, and one has straight black hair and the other has curly blonde hair. What makes you think they’re twins?”
The man says “Well, you’re so god damn ugly I can’t believe you’ve had sex twice.”
This thread has made me see that what this site REALLY needs is a rimshot button.
Or that wah-wah thing.