This current thread got me to thinking about the etiquette of dinner dates in general, and wondering what would be considered romantic, romantic-but-old-fashioned, appropriate or inappropriate.
The topic in the referenced thread had to do with a guy ordering for his date, and one of the suggestions in the thread was for the guy to order for himself and then toss it over to his date to order for herself. Personally, I’ve always let my wife (or any other female[s] I’ve dined with) order first unless I was ordering for her (and the only time I ever do order for her is if we’re getting the same thing or if she’s gone to the ladies’ room at the time).
So, let’s break it down like this:
If you’re male, do you order before or after any female companions, or is it just random? If you’re female, does the, well, order of ordering, for lack of a better phrase, matter to you?
Are there other dinner-date customs that have gender-specific roles in your opinion, and if so, how do you handle them? As a poor example, who pays the bill on the first (and subsequent) dates?
I think this thread could go many different directions, so please feel free to come up with your own thoughts and questions without fear of hijack.
I generally order for both my wife and myself, after careful consultation. Otherwise, I order last. As for “who pays?” the answer is simple. Whoever asked pays. But as a male I was always prepared to pay. If by the third date she hadn’t at least offered to chip in, I’d start reconsidering how much I really liked her.
Other gender-type stuff on dates: Whoever has the best palate should taste the wine. Go easy on the onions or garlic unless both of you are eating it. Don’t ogle the waitron.
First date, I paid. Regardless of who asked (I’ve only ever had one ask me out though, usually I did the asking)
I may be a bit modern in this part though:
She’s a grown woman, she has her own mind, tastes, and ability to speak (in 100% of my dates, though the intelligence of a few might be questioned). She decides what she wants, and she orders first, even if the wait staff looks to me first, I always would gesture to my date to place her order first.
But then I’m also the kind of guy that still holds doors for women, and always allows them to go through first.
For the first date, I think the person who did the inviting should pay. And maybe switch off after that unless it’s an occasion in someone’s honor and then the other person pays.
For ordering, I think whatever feels natural in terms of who gets looked at first by the waiter. I wouldn’t feel honored by getting to go first, but I don’t need my door (or chair!) held either.
I don’t care what order we order in - usually I just take the cue of the waiter. IF they look at me (woman) first, I order first. If they look at him, he orders first.
But I would NEVER allow anyone to order for me. I can speak. I don’t need you to do it for me. Give me a break. I don’t see it as romantic or anything. It’s completely unnecessary.
The point of the wine taste is to check if a wine is skunked or not, not if it’s acceptable to drink. It should be very plainly obvious to even the worst palate if a wine is skunked so I don’t think you need to worry too much about that.
As a server, I’ve been trained to always look at the lady first when it comes time to order, and it seems most servers at least have this down. If the server looks at the guy first to order, however, I’d rather him go ahead an order than turn to me and ask me what I’m having. The waiter asked you, so answer! I’d feel strange if a guy ordered for me. I mean, I can see him saying “And we’ll have this appetizer to start…” but not “And the lady will have this for dinner”. It would be a turnoff.
Some guys like to pull out the chair for you to sit down, which is very sweet, but I have this thing about facing the door in a restaurant. I get uncomfortable if I can’t see the door. So it would be an awkward step-about for them to walk past the server, get in front of me, pull out the chair, and then step again in front of the server to sit down. So I don’t consider that a big deal.
I always offer to pay, first date or fiftieth. Unless I’ve been told that I’m being take out for a special occasion, I always assume I might be paying. I know chicks who will take their boyfriends/husbands out to dinner for a birthday or whatever, and still expect the dude to pay. Weird. “Happy birthday honey! Here’s the bill”?
It never occurred to me that one or the other should order first until I met my fiance. He always lets me go first whether it’s going through doors or ordering food or just dishing up plates at home. I’m just used to it now.
He will go first if I don’t know what I want yet. I take forever making decisions sometimes, and his order forces me to pick.
I actually like my husband ordering for me, because I have a very quiet voice and I get tired of repeating myself dozens of times every day. He would never order for me without consulting me, however; I can’t imagine any guy doing that at this point. I don’t really care about ordering before him, but now that you mention it, I do kind of like going first. I like doors held for me, too. I like a little chivalry in my life.
Who pays? First date, guy pays or whomever did the asking. After that, all bets are off and couples will find their own way. My husband pays for everything when we go out together, but since it all comes out of the same bank account, it really doesn’t matter. He just seems to always have money, and I don’t.
I like the have the gentleman I’m with order for me if I don’t know how to pronounce the name of the dish. I literally point on the menu to show my date what I want, then make him struggle with the pronunciation once the waiter gets there. Because it is much classier to use the finger point method with your date rather than with your waiter. However, I would find it strange if the guy “ordered for me” in the sense of picking out food without my imput.
I always thought it was “correct” for the waiters to ask the female first, and if there is more than one female it should go by order of age (in a rough estimate - ask the mother then the daughter, then father then son). I thought that’s what servers are trained to do.
I order first for myself, he orders second for himself. If I’m not ready to order we ask the waitperson to return in 5 minutes and if they look at him first he’ll tell them to ask me. I would never allow anyone to choose and order my food for me, it’s weird.
I usually choose and taste the wine, because my lovely husband uses price and alcohol content as his sole criteria, and as long as it’s cheap, red and over 12.5% he’s happy. I’m more fussy, so I get to choose.
If we’re going out for a treat, the one who is treating pays, if it’s just a dinner out nowhere fancy we usually split the bill, although sometimes he likes to pay.
If I made the invitation, I expect to pay. If she made the invitation, I guess I usually offer to pay at least for my meal.
If we’re eating Chinese or some other cuisine where we’re going to share dishes, I tend to place the whole order, unless the waiter asks her first. Otherwise, I always let her order her own meal unless I’ve picked up from previous meals together that she would prefer me to order everything. (I don’t know how I pick this up; it hasn’t happened often, but some women I’ve dated liked me to order.) She usually orders first if she’s ready when the waiter comes, but I don’t know how much this is due to waiters habitually asking her first and how much is due to my preference.
I tend to lean towards wanting her to order first so she doesn’t take what I order as a price ceiling for her meal. Of course, that might make her order cheaper than what she wants because she doesn’t know how much I’m willing to spend. In practice this issue is neutralized because some discussion about what we’re each going to order almost always occurs before the waiter arrives. What do you think about this line of reasoning?
I’d invite her to order first, only choosing for her if she was completely unfamiliar with the stuff on the menu or had asked for my advice; all this detail should be worked out before the waiter is standing there.
The first time we dined with my inlaws, I was caught off-guard when FIL ordered for MIL. Especially when questions would come up and MIL would answer them herself - it just seemed odd, but it worked for them.
Generally when we dine out and the server comes and says “Are you ready to order?”, my husband and I will look at each other to affirm that we’re ready, then I order first. If we’re with someone else and everyone seems reluctant to start, I usually will. If we’ve got my daughter, with or without her friends, I’ll have her/them start.
We never order wine, so that’s easy.
I usually pay because I have the check card for our joint account and I handle our money. Sometimes my husband will treat from his account. I honestly don’t remember what we did when we were dating, since we only dated for 4 weeks. But it’s better when I pay - I’m a better tipper.
I usually order for my husband. This is because we frequently dine in places where the lighting is very dim. He doesn’t see well, even with glasses, so I usually scan the menu and tell him about stuff I think he’d be interested in. He can never remember the “restauranty” names for the food, and I can.
Also, he’s a big fan of public restrooms. He’s often away taking a wizz so I’ll just order for him if the waitress comes by.
These aren’t really roles, but some finer points, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. These also depend on the formality of the restaurant in which you’re dining.
a) The woman should sit facing the room, where applicable
b) The man should wait until the woman has been seated before seating himself
c) The man should stand when the woman stands, for any reason
Another dining thing I just heard recently is that if you leave the table before you’re done eating, you should place your napkin on your chair rather than the table. I thought that was interesting.
I didn’t know that one. So if she stands up to go to the restroom, I’d stand up and - then what? Sit back down, then stand up again as she’s walking back?
Sort-of-related question - if she goes to the restroom, and I also want to go, is it more polite to go while she’s gone, or after she comes back?
Yup. It may feel silly to the man, but let me tell you, as a lady, it sure feels great!
For the restroom thing, if you’re dining with other people, nothing wrong with going at the same time. If you’re dining just the two of you, it’s best not to leave the table unoccupied.
