First off, I want to be perfectly clear: My level of outrage is exactly nil.
Anyway, over the holidays, I went out to eat on three separate occasions with three ladies. (My mother, sister and GF)
On each one of these occasions, the waitress put the bill directly in front of me (as opposed to a neutral place on the table). And on each one of these occasions, my mother was the one that paid the bill (she insisted).
Is this kind of thing dated? Sexist? Even if done on an unconscious level?
I also found it interesting we had a female waitress on all three occasions.
Career server here, in the last ten years, unless someone indicates they wish the cheque, it has always been placed in the centre between the two guests.
Putting it in front of the man ain’t smart, and hasn’t been for a long, long time. If you’re living on tips, not offending, even mildly or inadvertently, is the name of the game.
Most all the servers I know do the same, and have done so for years and years!
In my experience, the bill is generally either placed in the center of the table or some other ‘neutral’ position, or the server will ask who gets the bill (generally if it’s a large group). I wonder if it’s a regional thing. I’m in California; where is the OP located?
When we go out to eat, the bill’s placed in front of the hubby about 70% of the time. It’s one of those things that I just can’t bring myself to be upset over- kind of like men holding open doors for women. It’s just the world we live in.
This is one of those areas where feminism doesn’t seem to have made an inroad, as it’s been my observation that women in general want equality when it benefits them, and preferential treatment when that benefits them.
So my guess is that approximately 19 times out of 20 (if not 49 out of 50) it is still the man who pays the bill (and woe betide the poor fool who’s first to suggest otherwise), so it isn’t sexist to present the bill to the man, it’s merely going with the odds.
I know I like it when a waitress gives me the bill. It comes across as a gesture of respect and is usually accompanied by a smile, and these things make me more kindly disposed toward her. But when she comes up not looking anyone in the eye for fear someone might take offense and leaves the bill at some midway point, it comes across as perfunctory and not particularly appreciative of either customer, so that little glint of appreciation and the good will it engenders are lost. Perhaps for this reason your waitress has found that overall she makes more in tips by catering to the men when it comes to the bill instead of non-committedly leaving the bill in a neutral location.
I can remember many times where the bill was placed in front of me (woman). The reason it stands out it because my bf and I laughed about it. I always assumed it was because I was friendlier / did more of the talking. Other than that, I haven’t been arsed to notice where it lands.
[QUOTE=elbows]
Putting it in front of the man ain’t smart, and hasn’t been for a long, long time. If you’re living on tips, not offending, even mildly or inadvertently, is the name of the game.
[/QUOTE]
This is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve heard. Not aimed at you, elbows, but at a society that really gives a shit about such a thing.
I’m the family money manager, and have been since we were first married - spousal unit just doesn’t want to deal with it and I like knowing our financials, so it works. I’m also a more generous tipper than he. When a server puts the bill in front of him, I just reach over and take it. I don’t get bent out of shape.
But I do find it interesting when I hand the server the check and my credit card, with my name on it, and it’s brought back to my husband for signature. Seriously???
Nine-point-nine times out of ten when I eat out with someone, whether it’s a man or a woman, prior to totaling up the check, the server will come to the table, glance at each of us in turn and say, “Separate or together?” and that will give us the opportunity to say (usually), “Separate,” or for the one who is paying to indicate that s/he will take the check when the server brings it back.
I’m guessing they don’t bother to even look at the credit card.
It’s becoming less common to assume the man is paying, but it still happens that the assumption is made.
Except, of course, those instances where note is made of my significant other’s disability and not only is the bill placed in front of me (the woman), but all the speaking/questioning/other communication is directed at me and he’s ignored. I’m talking about something other than the waitstaff asking who gets the bill or placing it in a neutral position, I’m talking about active discrimination.
This always happens. It’s something I started paying deliberate attention to when I was taking a boy out and decided to pay. The server of course plopped the bill down in front of him. The bill is either set in front of the man or in the center of the table every single time I have gone out with a dude ever since I started keeping track. It has never been placed in front of me.
I don’t have a whole lot of outrage over it either, but I’ve noticed.
IME, novice servers tend to give me the check even if it’s my wife’s card (it’s 50/50 as to which of us reaches for a wallet first; same accounts).
With a certain amount of experience, though, I’ve found that very subtle gestures will get the check to the right person. My BIL once insisted on paying for a family dinner and the check was paid and gone before he ever noticed it had been past. I had him half convinced we ate free in that restaurant.
But just a finger, pulling or pointing, gets the check to me or my wife, as appropriate. If the server isn’t new to the game.
Where I work is ALSO an upscale restaurant in Tulsa. Imma go ahead and stick with the traditional “server rules” I was trained for (at several places around the country).
That said…the OP scenario? Usually one can tell who is paying by the end of the meal. In your scenario? One guy out with his female family? I probably would have made the same “mistake” your server did.
