When out with a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you’re homosexual), whether they’re friends, co-workers, your spouse, a casual date or any other one-on-one type of dinner date/get-together, do you automatically reach for the bill and insist to pay it if they tried to split?
Sorry, not a guy… but I do have the experience of waiters automatically giving the bill to the oldest male present who doesn’t look like he should wear a bib. Based on that experience I think there are two questions here:
Do men have an experience of waiters automatically assume they’re paying?, and
Do men automatically pick up the tab when nobody else has made an assumption they’re paying?
Yes and yes, in my experience.
First vote. I often lunch with our president. She’s my personal friend. There are times she wants to split it. But if it’s a working lunch, or she’s the one who invited, she insists on paying.
My invite? My bill. Your invite? Your bill. Mutual meet-up? Everyone pays.
Yeah, I get the check.
My gf pays the utilities, buys most of the groceries, etc. I pay for restaurants and vacations.
When out with friends I grab the check unless someone else says, “Oh no, you got the last few”. It just feels better to be the one showing a little largesse. Never, ever do we “split the check”, that’s just petty in my eyes.
I occasionally enjoy buying a round for the house, but I always count how many people I’ll be treating and do the math in my head. (I also check the time and make sure it’s happy hour)
My default would be to pay the tab for both of us. One lunch or dinner is not going to break the bank.
The only time I automatically get the tab is with my GF, or my family members.
Anytime else, we specify separate bills.
Female here, but a story I think I’ve told on the boards before:
In the early 90s, a male co-worker and I were travelling on business, and went to a restaurant for dinner. To save paperwork, I offered to put the bill on my corporate card (as I could expense it for both of us).
The waiter brought the bill, and handed it to my colleague. OK, whatever.
I took it, looked at it, put my card in the folder, and put it on the edge of the table where the waiter could grab it - sorta halfway between the two of us.
The waiter returned with it a few minutes later, handed it back to my colleague (er, OK, I guess he didn’t look at the name on the card), and said “There you are, Mister Zappa”.
So yeah, he was hell bent on having the male pay for the meal, to the extent of ignoring the first name on the credit card (my first name is NOT one that I’ve ever seen used by a male).
If it’s a romantic date, then yes. That’s the expectation in this part of the country.
If it’s a male friend (save one), then no. We’re equals and pay our way. There are a couple of exceptions- if it’s one of my good friends, we alternate who gets the bill, so I don’t automatically try and pay unless it’s my turn.
If it’s a female friend, then no, it would be awkward because that’s what daters do, not friends. And on top of that, it might be perceived as patronizing as well.
I’ve noticed more and more when my husband and I go out, the check is usually placed between us on the table. Since I manage our finances and I’m the better tipper, I generally grab the check. More than once when the server brings it back for signature, I’ll reach out and take it.
I wonder how a man I was dating would react if I did that? Doubt that I’ll ever find out.
It’s both let them pay if they insist and split it if they insist. Doesn’t matter who I’m out with, that’s what I do unless prior arrangements were made. I’ll always offer to pay, if they insist on paying I’ll offer to split, if they insist enough I’ll let them pay because I have other things to do and arguing with someone who desperately wants to pay the bill is a waste of time.
I was out to dinner with a female friend once. The server brought the check, looked at both of us, and hesitantly place it in front of her. We looked at each other and then I said, “Welp. I guess this means you’re the man!”
A bad habit I picked up from my father is to pay the bill for any meal with any friends, regardless of gender. The only exception is when we’re out with my brother and his wife (he must have the same problem); in that case we split the bill 50/50.
Yes, this. And for a while, my SO’s credit limit was way higher than mine, and he gets cash back, so we were using his. My credit is amazing now, though, so I use my credit card more. But the waitron always drops it off with him, and sometimes I take it back and do the paying.
Outside, though, if I invite, I try to pay, even if it is a guy I am taking out. That being said, though, I don’t date right now, so it’s always business lunches.
My husband usually goes through the physical process of paying with a credit card, but the credit card is autopayed by our joint account… so ‘split’?
At business lunches back in the day, I worked with a guy who always tried to pay with his Sears card. While everyone laughed and the wait staff was confused, someone else would step up and pay.
The guy was a genius.
With my wife I get it, but we don’t have separate accounts. She often pays when it is cash at a fast food place though. With my daughters I pay because I still have more money than they do, but not for long. Anyone else I’d split it, unless it is some kind of expense account thing.
Back before cellphones, I knew a guy who would look at his pager, frown, and excuse himself just as the check arrived every single time.
I thought it was kind of pitiful.
I’ve had that happen. Also bringing me the wine list, or even after SHE has ordered us the wine, pouring ME a glass to taste to confirm that it’s good stuff.
At the moment I do this because I’m considerably more solidly employed than my partners are, but that has not always been the case. I’ve always tended to date older and when I started out that meant I was dating a 36 year old when I was 21 and I had no income, and I most certainly didn’t believe that having boy-parts meant I was supposed to pay.