My wife went to an appointment on her own yesterday. She made it on her own and didn’t tell me she had for a couple days. She is going to talk to her doctor about anti-depressants. She told me that most of the things about me she was complaining about the counselor told her were normal. I didn’t ask for any details and she didn’t offer any. She has to deal with a lot of pent up anger from years past.
I made a promise to her. No sex till she was ready. I’m waiting for her to be ready, till it’s her idea. I need to earn her respect, her trust, and, most of all, her friendship back. Till that happens, we’re just gonna be platonic. I think it’s the way to go, and I feel very good about it all. Oh, and I installed a porn blocker on the pc at home because I can’t stop on my own. This is the best I’ve felt about our relationship for a long time. I really really am going to work to keep it up (no pun intended).
Good luck! I’m glad your wife has decided to seek counseling too. I hope you find a way to make the relationship work… just remember how you feel now so you can remind yourself if you get impatient.
That is probably the most hopeful thing I’ve read about your situation, Dx2 – because she made the appointment. That sounds like she is wanting to do the work she needs to do. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you on that.
Great news! (Funny, how often having one party even decide to take care of themselves first and see what comes of it ends up coinciding with the other partner deciding to take care of themselves, too… not sure if both are caused by some other factor(s), but I see it fairly often.)
Good luck, and glad you are feeling good about it. Good choice on the blocker, too. Go reread some of the posts in the previous pages, and get some of the books, if you haven’t.
My wife has been to two sessions. When she got back last night she gave me a big hug. That’s the first time in a looooong time she’s done so. And it was the the good kind where you know it’s sincere. She really wanted to hug me. A very nice feeling.
I struggle still with what to say and do with myself around her, well, not struggle, but I worry that I’ll cross the line and lose whatever progress we’ve made. But I think also that such worry is good in that it keeps me aware of what I need to do. And I also have to remember that although we are working on ourselves, we are not done. I still feel good about us, I just can’t feel so good that I forget to keep up my side of the load. Things are better, but since i want them to stay better, I can’t pretend we’re all “fixed” and slide backwards into the old habits, which is the failing of our previous attempts with counseling.
This is very important! Stopping doing everything that made your day better is the surest way to go right back to how everything was! Bravo to you for getting this far!! And to your wife for the improvements she’s made.
Dx2, what good news. I’m happy to hear that your wife has started counseling, and it sounds like you’re on the right track as well.
I know it must be a struggle for both of you. Remember to breathe through that anxiety, take it one small step at a time, and don’t be afraid to simply step back and look at any situation before you act or react.
What you’re doing right now is vital, but the fact that you’re willing to do it is even MORE important, if that makes sense.
Hang in there, and do keep us informed, 'kay?
Best,
karol
I just now read through this thread for the first time, and I must say that the advice given here is amazing. I am not an abuse survivor - not even close - and my SO is a kind, loving man with whom I have a wonderful relationship, but even then, as with any relationship, there are the occasional arguments and disagreements. The posts in this thread, while applying mostly to a more difficult situation than I’ve ever faced, have been helpful to me, at least in allowing me to think things through about HIS side of issues rather than just my own.
Dx2 - I am glad to hear that things are improving, and I sincerely hope that they continue to do so. Somewhere in the middle of page 2 I felt that things were pretty bleak, but now it looks like a happy ending might be somewhere over the horizon. I hope you make it there, with your wife and kids, and come back here to tell us all about it! I wish you all the luck in the world!
