I’m lucky because I’m not attracted to human babies. I see one and think either:
“That’s a cute kid.”
“Meh.” or simply
“…” (nothing.)
Show me a kittycat or puppy or pretty much any animal, bird, fish or reptile and I’m all “Oooohhh!!! I will hug you and squeeze you and pet you and pat you…”
In ‘‘Stumbling on Happiness’’ the author cites some research indicating that people essentially delude themselves that their lives are better now that they have children. I try to remember that when I’m having a baby craving.
I get the fact that having a kid is not for everyone, and I am as pro-choice as a man can be. But I find it pretty cold and callous for a mom (or dad) to say they don’t really want or love a child they chose to have.
Cold and callous for saying it, or cold and callous for actually feeling that way?
It’s a trap!!! Babies, puppies, and kittens are all genetically engineered to make it impossible for you to resist them. Raising a baby is nothing like raising a tween or teenager. Up until my kids were 8 or 9, I found being a parent very rewarding and worth every sacrifice. But after that, wow, it’s so much harder. It’s almost all sacrifice and a little bit of reward.
When you see those cute baby videos, remember that child will one day grow up and not want to do their homework or chores and will think you’re the meanest parent in the world because you make them have a bedtime and won’t buy them the latest electronic gadget that absolutely everyone else in school has.
I wouldn’t recommend that they say it to the child, but I think it is very important that people talk honestly about how they feel about having or not having kids, even after having (or not having) them. Regretting having kids is far more common than most people probably realize, and I think it would take a lot of the pressure off of these people if they could see that they aren’t just freaks.
It might also make child-free folks more comfortable with their decision not to have kids.
You learn a lot about yourself by being a parent. One thing you may learn is that you might not be cut out to be a parent. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, but it means that your core personality may not be compatible with the work it takes to be a parent.
One important trait to a parent is to be much more of a social person than an independent person. Do you like having people around you just because you like having people around you? That’s a good trait to being a parent. Or are you mostly independent, like to spend time alone, and do things by yourself? If that’s the case, you may struggle as a parent since your personal time goes to zero.
How patient are you? How patient are you with stubborn people who won’t do what you want? The more you can keep your cool and let those frustrations roll off your back the more you will like being a parent. If you have a short fuse and get frustrated when people do illogical things or don’t do what you want, you may be frustrated being a parent.
The worst reasons to have a baby are because you think they’re cute, it will be fun, or that you want someone to love you. The best reasons are because you enjoy what it means to be a parent. Unfortunately, you may not really know what you want until you’ve gone through the experience yourself.
Good question. I guess callous for saying it? I am sure every parent feels overwhelmed and regrets the decision to have a kid at multiple times. But hearing it (or reading) put so matter of factly was a little off putting.
I never wanted kids. And I didn’t want the one I’ve got. Yeah, I’m cold and callous. I love her very much, but I wish that she’d been born to someone else, someone who actually wanted her. This has caused me a great deal of emotional distress, and this is something that I can NEVER resolve.
I was in Spain at the time, and could not get a safe and legal abortion, nor could I get out of Spain in time to have an abortion without doing something illegal. My husband was in the Air Force, and stationed in Spain, and we didn’t have any extra money at all for me to get back to the US for an abortion, and the gynecologist that I had to use was absolute death on any sort of contraceptives, except for the rhythm method. Maybe the military would have paid for an abortion, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell me of that option.
My husband and I were using condoms AND contraceptive foam when I conceived. The base gynecologist refused to prescribe the Pill for me, but I was able to get the foam and rubbers over the counter at the Base Exchange. So not only did the condom fail, but the foam failed, too. And we were using the two methods correctly. I did not choose to get or to stay pregnant. I could not prevent it (and still have sex with my husband) and I could not get rid of the pregnancy.
My husband and my family were thrilled at the news that I was pregnant, and they all assumed that I’d soon grow to love being a mother. I never did. If I’d had the baby and given it up for adoption, I would have hurt everyone that I loved the most. So I chose to take the hurt into myself instead. I guess that was particularly cold and callous of me, that I was willing to cause myself hurt in order that I wouldn’t hurt others. Sometimes there are no good choices, only bad choices.
I knew when I posted that at least one person would come along and sneer at me. But I’ve read in other places about women like me, who got pregnant and either thought that they’d love the child, or simply couldn’t get an abortion, and who always regretted it. And I’ve talked to a few of these women, too. It’s very rare for someone to speak out as I have. Even though I’m pretty anonymous on a message board, there are still people who know who I am. And I am not willing to shut down this username and take another one. But having a child without wanting one is something that has affected me ever since I had her.
As I said, I do love her a lot, and I’ve learned a lot of things since becoming a parent. But this isn’t something that I wanted or planned, and it’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, or will ever happen to me. And I want to get the word out to other people that if you get pregnant or get someone else pregnant, and you don’t want kids now, that it’s quite possible that you will resent the child for as long as you live. And maybe the attempts at shaming will decrease a bit.
She’ll be 33 this June, by the way.
I try to be honest with myself and others. The fact is, there is never a day that I DON’T regret having a child. It’s not a case of being overwhelmed at times. It’s a case of an everpresent grief.
Is it any easier now that she’s older?
How on earth can anyone assess whether others are “deluding themselves” about how happy they are? Isn’t happiness a rather subjective notion?
Aside from some unfortunates like Lynn (who, together with her child, has all my sympathy), the vast majority of parents, if they put their mind to it, could go through some sort of interest-balancing exercise - on the one hand there is a loss of freedom and an increase in responsibility, not to mention horrible panics and worries; on the other, there are memories not obtainable any other way - like explaining the stars to the boundless curiousity of a six-year-old (my son is now six); going over those things that you have forgotten from your own childhood - but which are now all fresh and new, seen through the eyes of your kid; his first camping trip, helping him decorate the tree at Christmas … his first smile, him kissing you good night after a bedtime story … all that stuff.
Some folks may weigh these factors differently. To some, the loss of freedom, time, money, etc. doesn’t turn out to be “worth it”. I suspect that to most, it does turn out to be “worth it”. But how on earth does anyone from outside one’s own head claim to be able to weigh these things better than the individual themselves and conclude that they are wrong to value what they value?
It’s the SDMB. The most judgemental, self-righteous collection of people in the universe! It’s full of perfect paragons of morality fully qualified to pronounce judgement on others. It’s fun! 
No, it’s not easier.
Lynn, I so admire you for speaking out like this. I do not find you cold or callous at all.
If you don’t mind my asking, is the part that doesn’t get easier the part where you love her but at the same time resent her? Is it that she understands that? Or is it something else? (I ask because certainly I would expect that the job part of parenting an adult kid, both logistically and emotionally, is quite a bit easier than parenting a small child.)
Malthus, I believe the book Stumbling on Happiness cited the studies that showed that people, when asked to rank their level of happiness, self-ranked lower after having a child than before. I’m not sure I agree with his conclusion, but he did have a reason for saying it.
I’m somewhat skeptical about sweeping statements made on the basis of self-ranking of something as subjective, multi-faceted, and difficult to measure as “happiness”. Moreover, if this is all based on self-reporting, how could they be said to be “deluding themselves”? Seems the author is really stating that their test reporting methodology is more accurate at teasing out the parent’s opinion as to happiness than the parent’s own analysis of their own happiness.
Who else is qualified to rank your happiness except yourself?
I’ve never told her that I resented being her parent, and I don’t think that she knows. It’s just an ongoing unhappiness with me.
I object to the idea that there is a default. Once you reach adulthood, you realize that not everyone wants the same things as you, so it’s a really good idea to talk about the important, dealbreaker stuff to find out if you want the same things. Honestly, this is a part of the get-to-know-you phase, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want a partner who wants to work 80 hour weeks instead of spending time with me, either.