Marriage Name Changes - Good or Bad

I’m not married, but wouldn’t change my name if I was. My surname is as much a part of my name as my first name is: it is how I have always been known, and it associates me with my family. My daughter has my surname, not her father’s. My sister kept her name when she married (it wasn’t an issue with either of them), and her husband kept his. The kids have both surnames (not hyphenated). Deciding which surnames to give their kids will be THEIR headache.

Although this is one of those “cross that bridge when I get to it” questions, it is interesting to think about.
I will keep my surname, because I quite like it and over the years I’ve got attatched to it.

Like Sqwerticus, my father was also a complete swine, so I would certainly not keep it through any loyalty to him. Once he buggered off though, as a family we turned out pretty good, so I’d keep my name because of them.

Maybe stupid - it is only a name after all. Apart from all that, personally I can’t see any good reason why I should take on someone elses name.

Zeph said,

The kids already have both. The parents have left the decision to the children to use one, the other, or both. Fair enough!

My son’s father and I did not marry. My son is a hyphen, and generally uses both.

When I married at the age of 40 (seven years ago), I kept my name. Not a word was said until recently, when my sister-in-law said, “Why didn’t you take his last name? Don’t you like him much?”

Now my husband has been saying obnoxious little things like, “Maybe you figure you won’t be married to me for long…” and I’m wondering where. in. the. FUCK. this is coming from. I am who I am, he wouldn’t dream of hyphenating or changing his name, we have no children and won’t be having any, so what’s the problem? He’s a bit old-fashioned, so I sort of understand it in that respect. But I’m rather confused as to why it’s coming up now…maybe because of what his sister said? She, incidently, changed her name to her husband’s. Maybe she doesn’t like her family much???:wink:

By the way, my best friend is my husband’s ex-wife. She didn’t change her name back when they divorced, so it’s kind of funny that I’m the wife, with a different name and she’s the ex-wife with the same. The family gets a kick out of that one!

Mondays are my days off work. I can’t afford to take time off on a Wednesday or Thursday to go to the DMV. Believe me, if I didn’t have to go on a Monday, I wouldn’t.

I couldn’t wait to get rid of my father’s name when I married. He explained to me all the time that the day I married I became my husband’s family and until that day I belonged to him. I was to be dedicated to him and obedient of him. He was quite the bastard.

My husband wouldn’t have cared if I wanted to make up a totally new name or take his or have no name. He’s sweet that way :slight_smile:

I had no problem changing things either… the day our marriage certificate was ready I got a few copies and did the DMV and Social Security and bank thing. Everything else was just filling out a little blurb when I mailed the electric bill or credit card statement or whatever.

If I had a reason to keep my name, like being a partner in a law firm or a published author, then I might have… or I may have made them adjust!

All in all though I think people should be allowed to make whatever decision suits them without others assuming the decision has some bearing on how much the couple loves eachother.

I just got married on November 1. My wife kept her maiden name and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. She’s a psychotherapist and has clients, insurance companies, registrations, professional organizations, journals, etc. etc. etc. to contend with and makes more sense and less hassle for her to keep her name. Besides, we both feel that the name change tradition has a proprietary ring to it and she isn’t my property (unless, of course, I could get some REALLY serious money for her - then we may have to talk about this some more).

I don’t have my “own” name - like others here have said, my biological father has been a non-entity in my life since I was 5, and at 18 I legally took my stepfather’s name as a gesture to my mother - who divorced him soon after! When I married, I willingly gave up my maiden name(s) and took the WryGuy’s surname. Now I am fairly well-known by this name, personally and professionally.

Had I the chance to do it again, though, I’d have chosen my great-grandmother’s surname as my own. My family is very much the matriarchy, and Great Grandma is our family legend of note. Besides, how cool a name is “Commandi”?!! I’d love it.

Jeevmon didn’t care one iota that I didn’t take his last name. In fact, when my brother condemned me for “trying to be like a movie star” jeevmon stood up for me. I think he recognizes that I wouldn’t be the person he loved if I had taken his name (though there is nothing wrong with doing so).

For me, it was two issues: one was that I was almost 32 when I got married and had grown quite accustomed to being ‘me.’ The second, and larger issue, is that jeevmon’s last name is Indian and mine is Italian. For me to take his last name would be giving up an entire ethnic identity and taking another. (Also, his name is just as mispronounced and misspelled as mine is so there was no option to hyphenate.)

As for children, since I had a dog when we got married, jeevpup kept my last name as will any future pups. I gave jeevmon the choice for human children: non-Indian first name with his last name, or Indian first name with my last name. (That way, the children would have both ethnic ids in their names.) As the older son of the older son, he chose the former and I am fine with that. (My father is the only son; I have a brother but he has only a daughter. The name MAY die out but what the hell. I can’t make EVERYBODY happy!)

My husband I and I never even discussed me not taking his name. It simply was assumed that I would keep mine and he would keep his.

Jeevmon didn’t care one iota that I didn’t take his last name. In fact, when my brother condemned me for “trying to be like a movie star” jeevmon stood up for me. I think he recognizes that I wouldn’t be the person he loved if I had taken his name (though there is nothing wrong with doing so).

For me, it was two issues: one was that I was almost 32 when I got married and had grown quite accustomed to being ‘me.’ The second, and larger issue, is that jeevmon’s last name is Indian and mine is Italian. For me to take his last name would be giving up an entire ethnic identity and taking another. (Also, his name is just as mispronounced and misspelled as mine is so there was no option to hyphenate.)

As for children, since I had a dog when we got married, jeevpup kept my last name as will any future pups. I gave jeevmon the choice for human children: non-Indian first name with his last name, or Indian first name with my last name. (That way, the children would have both ethnic ids in their names.) As the older son of the older son, he chose the former and I am fine with that. (My father is the only son; I have a brother but he has only a daughter. The name MAY die out but what the hell. I can’t make EVERYBODY happy!)

My husband I and I never even discussed me not taking his name. It simply was assumed that I would keep mine and he would keep his. Notice, though, I DID take his SDMB name AND I use his domain name for my email address. That’s something, isn’t it? :slight_smile:

Grrr! Sorry! My computer froze and I didn’t know it sent. My bad.

I kept my name because, as noted, there really is no good reason to take my husband’s.

Except for the fact that all four names - his and my first and last names - are tricky to spell, and his are also quite long, so when giving our names to people I have to spell 'em all - 27 letters ! (The Visa card people called to confirm that what they read on the application was indeed correct. They couldn’t believe anyone’s name was actually like that.) Maybe we both should have taken the name Jones or something.

… except, come to think of it, a friend once reported to me that his surname, Jones, was misspelled too.

Our kids, if it comes to that, will probably have both surnames on their birth certificates and can choose which to use. With our particular surnames, hyphenation would just confuse everyone, I think.

Very interesting discussion, gals. (and a couple-a guys)

A few points of my own:

[ul]
[li]If the marriage ceremony refers to the woman and man as “the two become one” then they should be of one surname. Which though?[/li][li]If there is a hyphen change, BOTH should have the hyphen, no?[/li][li]A long long time ago… when Robert, Jenny, Abel, Danni were becoming common, they were referred to Jenny (the) Taylor, or Robert (from the) Wild… etc.[/li]A surname is just a differentiator. :rolleyes:
[li]Why not just create a new surname? like perhaps take the name of their favorite team or mascott! :slight_smile: I like this one… i’d be called David Eagles. :eek:[/li][/ul]

You jest, I think, about creating a new name, but I do know people who have done that. And where both couples have hyphenated their last names. And where the husband has taken the wife’s last name.

I also know people who have given their kids the mom’s last name. (She was the 4th girl in a family of Farrells; he was about the 5th son in a long line of something like Fflugenhoft. Seriously. So when they had 4 sons, Farrell was the easy choice for keeping the name going and for the kids being able to, you know, spell their last name.) We also had friends who recently gave their daughter a last name that was a combination of the both of theirs. They want their children to all have the same last name as each other but didn’t want to promote one family over the other. Thought the combined last name is kind of silly, I like the idea.

And my last name is actually derived from a differentiator (“Mary the Blond” or whatever), though I am not sure that means anything at all in this discussion.

I guess the real question is–let’s say you meet the absolute woman of your dreams whom you want to marry. She’s perfect except refuses to take your name, for whatever reason. Is that a deal breaker? That’s what it may come down to for you. How big an issue is this?

:eek: GASP!:eek:

If a human being comes out of my body, you better believe he or she is going to have my last name!!!

Why, please? They don’t become identical in other ways – they don’t take the same first name as well, or get identical haircuts, or dress the same, or take up identical hobbies, or walk around joined at the hip. They are still individuals.

I might also add that not all marriage vows contain those words.

Would you ever change your name? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you wouldn’t. Come up with as many ideas/reasons as you can. Subtract from those reasons the “tradition” reasons (for instance, "I don’t have to change my name because I’m male and tradition says that she change her name). Now realize that all the reasons you just came up with are as valid for her as they are for you.

For the record, I’m female, married, and I didn’t change my name. Mostly for the reasons Beadalin’s excellently outlined above.
Snicks

My opinion on the matter:

Hyphenated names are stupid and unwieldy. If everyone started doing this then, well, we’d get some pretty long surnames in two generations.

I don’t see any reason for the woman to change her name. If she does, great. I’m not getting married anytime soon, but the idea of the woman changing her last name to mine strikes me as really weird for some reason. I grew up in a traditional family and a culture with fairly traditional values, yet I’m not at all a proponent of women changing their last names. Even girls I’ve thought about marrying, I just can’t get around the idea of them changing their name to mine. I identify them by their birth names.

Then again, I’m also the kind of person who prefers referring to people by name, rather than relationship. I don’t like referring to someone as “my wife” or “my girlfriend,” when the person I’m talking to is familiar with who she is. I only refer to girlfriends as such when their relationship to me is an important part of the point I make. Otherwise, it’s by name. It’s not a thought-out process for me; just seems natural.

I took my husband’s surname, but I can see why some women wouldn’t. I did it because:

  1. I’m not particularly attached to my maiden name.

  2. It communicates that we are a unit, which is exactly the impression we want to give.

  3. His family is wonderful, and I am happy to share their last name.