Marriage Name Changes - Good or Bad

In My Humble Opinion
41

This really is an interesting discussion. Out of curiosity, Red Matrix, where do you live? Wondering if you’re in the southwest US or in Mexico (or somewhere else entirely). I’m assuming there are some cultural influences here, especially given your comments about the head of the household, etc.

How common is it for women to retain their maiden names or create a hyphenate in other countries, particularly Western ones?

I’ve been a little struck by some of the comments in this thread that women who don’t change their name seem a little militant. A good friend of mine is one who comes from a family name that will die out with her generation. There are no other branches of the family, and she and her sister are the only children. She struggled for a very long time with the idea of giving up her maiden name and knowing that it would not continue. In the end, she simply added her husband’s name to the end of her name, so that her formal name is now Friend Middlename Maidenname Marriedname. No hyphen. She’s a pediatrician, so most of her clients just call her by her first name, and she signs documents with as “K. Maidenname Marriedname”.

I guess my point with that story is that someone’s choice in names after she marries DOES have broader implications, but to assume her choice was based on some sense of militancy or an inflated ego is unfair. And stories like tanookie’s demonstrate that women can have compelling reasons to change their names that are beyond tradition or concerns over what that family name will be.

42

I cheerfully took my husbands last name. Dealing with the DMV, credit cards etc was a pain yes, but a finite pain. I felt that keeping my maiden name would be an ongoing pain, what with having to explain why my name was different from my kids - or alternately why my husband’s name was different from mine and the kids.

Also I never particularly loved my maiden name. Sure it was part of my name for 26 years, but I am so much more than just a name that focusing on that as the very cornerstone of my identity seemes, to me, silly. I figure if you loose your whole identity and sense of self when you change your name, maybe your identity isn’t so solid in the first place.

I liked the change. Marriage was a change in who I was/am, my role in the world and view of myself. So it wasn’t the name change that shifted my identity but the new step and role in life and the name change was profoundly symbolic of that.

And my husband probably wouldn’t ever change his name and I honestly don’t care. What he’d do and what I’d do are often two different things - that we can celebrate and appreciate those differences is what makes our marriage great.

Twiddle

43

Of course, if more women actually kept their own name, this issue would eventually be irrelevant. Even now, i can’t imagine too many people would raise an eyebrow at the fact of children having a different surname from one of their parents.

44

** mhendo**, I’m not thinking of having people judge and think negatively of it, just having to explain. To family or friends or even just my kid’s teachers and doctors. Ok I wouldn’t have to explain every time I met someone new, but to me that aspect of the equasion was worth thinking about.

45

;j U really like the topic? ;j

I’m from South Texas.

…to quote myself in The Virtual Christmas Party

One of my grandmothers is from Mexico, yet I’ve never been. (there)

RMX

46

My bf and I will never get married. (he is of the opinion that ‘we don’t need a piece of paper’ and he feels very strongly about it.) but if we did, I would never, ever, ever change my name. I first found out that women had to change their names when I was four, and I was horrified! I was like, the women have to give their names up, why not the men? I thought it was demeaning and insulting, and I have always felt that way ever since. I’m amazed that women do it. I never would, and never will.

I asked my mum why she did it, as I was thinking ‘how could any woman be degraded like that willingly?’ and she was like, oh I just changed my name 'cos that’s what everyone did and she hadn’t even thought about it! That amazed me. It seemed obvious to my four year old self.

And not only will I ever change my name, if we have children they will be having my surname, not his. I really detest that convention that the kids always take the man’s name. Hello? The discomfort and health risks and permenant physical changes of nine months of childbirth and the pain and health risks (up to and including death in extreme cases) of childbirth, and the man who was only there for the pleasurable bit at the beginning, he gets the glory and the kid’s surname is his.

I find that bizarre. Really really bizarre. It’s like the man gets all the glory and none of the pain. Fornicate that excrement. This may sound extreme and whacky but I consider a kid getting the man’s surname when the parents are unmarried an insult to the woman. I really feel that way. I’m amazed that so many women go along with it. I do not understand it, and I never will if I live to be a hundred.

No offence to those women who change their names or have the kids take the father’s name even if they don’t have his name either, if that’s the choice you made then bully for you. But for me, I would never do that, and I really don’t understand why anyone would demean themselves like that. ymmv, as ever.

As for the op’s putting the mad smiley next to mention of women who dare to maintain their own identity and not become a man’s chattel (in name at least, and no, this does not mean I think those women who take their husband’s names are literally chattels but that is the origin of it), all I can say is, I really really wish this was in the bbq pit.

If I could really say what I think of the op, I’d be banned :mad: -back right atcha

47

For my first marriage, he had a horrible last name (one of those that shows up in the “would you believe anyone had this name threads”). I wouldn’t take it, he wouldn’t take mine, we thought it important that we have the same last name, so we took a new last name we liked.

It was a pain in the butt to change and he’d moved in with his girlfriend within eighteen months. Perhaps needless to say, living with your girlfriend and being married are not really compatible conditions - especially when his fiscal irresponsibility was legally tied to me. So we didn’t stay married.

I kept it for a while and then went back to my maiden name (which is not the name my father was born with, but his adopted father’s name, so ethnically it isn’t “mine” but its been mine since birth).

I got married again. This time I had another five years behind me, was pretty well established in my career and had people who knew me by my name. I was about to embark on a consulting career - and didn’t want the confusion of establishing a new identity - its way easier to consult if your reputation preceeds you, and reputation tends to be name based. And changing my name had been a pain in the butt (twice) and the temporary nature of the first marriage convinced me that it was pretty meaningless as a gesture - we certainly didn’t “become one.” Having the same last name didn’t keep him from boinking women with different last names.

My husband and I are soul mates. But he has his last name, I have mine, and the children have his. It causes surprisingly little confusion - much less than I’d anticipated. I’d expected more confusion with children, there has been practically none. I answer cheerfully to “Mrs. Hubby” and he, on occation, gets mail to “Mr. Rosa.”

Red Matrix, I would think you’d want to marry someone who holds the same values you do…and I am given to understand you to be something of a traditionalist. While I’ve met a woman or two who is a traditionalist who’s kept her husbands name, most of the few of us that do (something like 3%) seem to hold more contemporary values. I think you’ll be safe from the rabid feminists.

48

argh, I’ve met a traditionalist woman or two who has kept her MAIDEN name. I’ve met plenty who take their husband’s name. And some of my rabid feminist friends took their husband’s names.

49

It’s not a matter of raised eyebrows, it’s a matter of sorting out who is related to whom and not inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings when you think someone’s children are their step-kids because they don’t share a name. The system of "woman takes man’s name " worked just fine in this country for many, many, many years. The last 25 years have seen dramatic changes in the way some people feel about the subject. But of all the married couples I know of my generation and the current crop of twenty-somethings, (and I deal with people getting married every single working day) the vast majority still share the man’s name, and nobody ends up a jibbering pile of goo in the corner when their name changes.

I truly don’t care if a woman keeps her maiden name, but don’t expect me to remember who is married, who is living together, who are the kids from a previous relationship, who are the step-kids, who are the “our” kids and how you want your envelopes addressed unless you are related to me.

Oh, and it would be hard to convince me that when Hilary Clinton started insisting, halfway thru her husband’s presidency, on being called Hilary Rodham Clinton, that it wasn’t a long-range plan to distance herself from Bill. Just my opinion.

50

Or it could just be the parents’ way to indicate the father’s tie to and responsibility for the child (since the mother’s relationship with the child is pretty much indisputable), who, despite the fact that he does not actually give birth, frequently in this day and age actually is involved in taking care of the child.

I don’t find it at all offensive that the father (who, rather than being there only “for the pleasurable bit at the beginning”, will often in fact be there for the 18+ years of difficulty to follow) would want to step up and take responsibility for a life he has helped to create.

51

Maybe it’s just me, but i tend to remember what the relationships are among the people i call friends and family. And it would be a pretty thin-skinned person who got offended if, for example, they were mistaken for a son instead of a step-son, or vice-versa. I certainly don’t get offended when people assume that my step-father is actually my father. I just take a moment to correct the misconception. It’s really not that hard.

This sentence could be parsed more concisely thus: “I truly don’t care if a woman keeps her maiden name, but don’t expect me to respect her decision by doing her any basic courtesies.”

52

Oh, in our family, my last name is the least of the issues there. You see, I’m white. About as white as you can get (dark hair and eyes though - but my great grandmother was Dutch, I have a great pale Dutch complexion). And my husband is white - with dark hair and eyes. And our daughter is a blue eyed blonde (genes do funny things - who’d thunk we dark eye’d, dark hair’d breeders would have turned out Miss Aryan Princess), and our son is Korean (genes had nothing to do with that). So people seeing our family START with the assumption that none of us are actually related. And, guess what, what people assume doesn’t bug us. We’ve gotten over it.

We get plenty of mail addressed to Danger and Hubby Hubby’slastname - particularly Christmas cards. I seldom bother to correct it. (I did finally get my mother to switch, after six years of marriage). I am collecting table cards for Danger Hubby’slastname from all the weddings I go to - I think its cute when Danger and Hubby Hubby’slastname are seated at table 12.

I’m the “weird” 3% of the population. I really don’t expect other people to track it - particularly my husbands friends, relatives and co-workers (most of whom have never heard me referred to by anything other than my first name). I DO expect friends to track it.

53

Oh, having the same last name doesn’t necessarily stop confusion. I have good friends, married, with children, same last name for everyone. But Mom and Dad look a lot alike. So the confusion is that a lot of people think they are brother and sister.

54

So you need to have your friends all neatly labeled for your convenience? If their names don’t follow some predetermined formula, that’s too much for your brain to handle? How is it that you can remember their first names, but not last names? You just can’t be arsed to remember the names and relationships of your friends and acquaintances? How nice.

55

I’m not even in a relationship at the moment, but I would never change my name. I have the dreaded…hyphenated name of doooooooom to start with and I’ve had people asked me my whole life what I would do if I got married, would I hyphenate another name on the end? Hahaha!!! Yes, of course I would because that wouldn’t look absurd in the least! Seriously, in my case, I think the easiest option would be to leave well enough alone.

Also, both of my parents only have sisters, and my dad only had daughters, so the names, at least in my particular branches, would die out should my sister and I choose to change our name. I know that’s why my mom decided to hyphenate her name instead of adopting my dad’s.

And lastly, my two names are representative of my dual ethnic background. I like to have them both there.

56

Infectious Lass , I can certainly understand, given the tone of your post, why your bf has told you he doesn’t need ‘a piece of paper’ and why he feels so strongly about it.
And before you get all militant on me about it let me explain why I think so. 10 years ago with a previous girlfriend I said pretty much the same thing. I was of the opinion that if my word wasn’t good enough then what would signing a piece of paper prove? Don’t you trust me? I was adamant about it. And I was also serious, too. I don’t break my word and had every intention of keeping mine for as long as she held me to it. Well, she eventually dumped me for which I find myself eternally grateful. You see I didn’t realize until I met my current gf that my obstinance was one of the ways I was protecting myself from the emotional mess that my gf was at the time.
With the current gf I feel none of that hesitation. She is stable and can be exactly like the type of person you come across as in your post while also being flexible enough to deal with that obstinate streak in me. She knows her own mind and doesn’t need me to baby-sit her. But, while I still feel that my word should be good enough, I feel that if she wants to get married then I will do that because I want to please her because she pleases me. Nor do I feel like I am sacrificing my pride or convictions to do so. And I feel that I want to get married, too. To be able to stand in front of my friends and family in a formal way and say my gf and I are together.

Back to the OP: I’ve actually been thinking about changing my last name to my biological father’s last name. My adoptive father is an alcoholic ahole and I have no loyalty to him for raising me. The only reason I don’t at this time is because my grandmother is still alive (93) and I don’t want to upset her. The current gf’s last name is her former husband’s, another ahole (at least according to the gf, who might be a little biased in this matter. I’ve never met him myself to hold an opinion). So, as that is the case we could both change our names at relatively the same time.

57

Well, no, actually I was referring to those more casual aquaintances like people at church or people who are new to the neighborhood. I’ve had several casual aquaintances who got totally miffed that I hadn’t sorted all these things out. In fact, a few weeks ago I totally embarassed myself with a friend I went to high school with, wasn’t around for his wedding, and didn’t see for 15 years. I had no idea that the person he’s married to now isn’t the woman he married after college, isn’t the mother of the older child he introduced me to, and that the kid who calls him dad isn’t his son.

All I meant was that some people get defensive even if you make an honest mistake, and they shouldn’t expect everyone they meet to keep everything straight. For example, one of my relatives gets extremely ticked if people call her Firstname Hislastname, even if they were only introduced as “this is Him and his wife Her.” She cuts no one any slack if they assume they share a last name.

58

Umm no. You’re mistaking insistence with ambivalence. My wife took my last name and we didn’t give it a whole lotta thought because it wasn’t that big a deal.

I mean really, with a few exceptions (fame and fortune already being mentioned above) I would be MUCH more concerned with ‘do we get along’ vs. ‘is she gonna help me perpetuate the family name’.

The people I’ve see where it WAS a big deal ALSO seemed to have other issues. I can’t say that institutes a correlation, cause I’m not gonna do the research study. :stuck_out_tongue:

59

I don’t recall directing my comment at you specifically. I said “almost as insecure as a man [no particular man] who insists that his wife take his last name.”

As for not giving the issue “a whole lotta thought,” i’m sure that most men don’t until they are confronted with a situation where the woman wants to keep her own name.