Married men, and other women's phone numbers.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@1920s Style "Death Ray"

People tend to view things through the filter of their own behaviour. What they neglect to consider is that just because they would only be talking to a woman at a bank so they could get down and dirty with them, it doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t have more honourable motivations.

Horseshit.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@1920s Style "Death Ray"

People tend to view things through the filter of their own behaviour. What they neglect to consider is that just because they would only be talking to a woman at a bank so they could get down and dirty with them, it doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t have more honourable motivations.

I really don’t like the insinuation about my own “behavior.” MY behavior is that I don’t hit on women who aren’t my wife and I don’t ask for their fucking phone numbers.

[Richard_Pearse]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

Horseshit.

Nope. You obviously have trouble imagining how other people might act. I think that might be why you had such a revelation when you became a father and realised you previously knew nothing about parenting. What’s really happening is that you know nothing about other people who are in different situations who or have a different personality to you. Being a man doesn’t give you any special insight about what another individual man’s motivations are in a certain situation.

[Richard_Pearse]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

I really don’t like the insinuation about my own “behavior.” MY behavior is that I don’t hit on women who aren’t my wife and I don’t ask for their fucking phone numbers.

I wasn’t suggesting that. But to you, the only reasons you’d talk to another woman and get their phone number is if you were hitting on her, that is in fact why you don’t do it. That does not mean that all other men who talk to a woman and get there phone number are necessarily hitting on them.

Edit: Behaviour was a bad choice of word.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

They sure aren’t.

[Koxinga]

@torie

It’s not me. I wanted to get additional perspectives before I advised my friend, who did have this exact thing happen to her. They’re really great people, and any sort of sex-trolling behavior on his part would be a great shock to me. Anyway, just randomly finding friends for himself and others in banks struck me as something he would do. He’s very gregarious, and makes friends easily. She’s funny and intelligent, but much more reserved. But I didn’t want to tell her anything without making sure there wasn’t some obvious aspect of the situation I was missing.

It sound like there’s no aspect of the situation that she isn’t thoroughly familiar with already, and she ought to know her own husband and what he’s capable of ten million times better than you ever would.

Unless she’s actively seeking your advice, I’d say you’re being an unwelcome busybody.

. . . but I couldn’t decide at first if he had actually done anything wrong, and if so, how she should approach it. It is rather odd.

Not for you to “decide”, and it’s none of your business.

[Richard_Pearse]

@torie

I was 99.9% sure that he would never cheat on her, but I couldn’t decide at first if he had actually done anything wrong, and if so, how she should approach it. It is rather odd.

If I was her I’d follow through on the husband’s premise, “That woman sounds nice, I might give her a call and see if she wants to go out for coffee.” The husband’s reaction to that might give some clues, “:eek: Whoa, steady on there honey, I’m sure she doesn’t want us bugging her at this time of the day, she’s very busy.”

[Gary_T]

@Lamia

If he’d really given his number to the other woman because he hoped she and the wife would be friends, why would he wait until the wife asked to tell her that he thought he’d found a new buddy for her?

I’m totally confused by this question. What is this “wait” you’re referring to? We were told: He says, “I just met a nice lady. I gave her my cell number” and she responds “Why in high holy hell did you do that?”. That’s when he told her it was because he thought they would get along. I don’t see any kind of delay or waiting in that exchange. Sounds like it was bam-bam-bam, all done within 10 seconds.

And if he’d swapped numbers for any other reason than the stated one, why would he make a point of telling his wife unasked and unprodded? She wouldn’t have a clue about it at all if he hadn’t brought it up. And he brought it up at his very first opportunity to talk to her after it happened.

[torie]

@Koxinga

It sound like there’s no aspect of the situation that she isn’t thoroughly familiar with already, and she ought to know her own husband and what he’s capable of ten million times better than you ever would.

Unless she’s actively seeking your advice, I’d say you’re being an unwelcome busybody.

? I’m not sure where you are getting that. She asked me if I thought she was being ridiculous, and I said no, but as long as she trusted him, then everything seemed kosher. I was curious to see how other people viewed it, so that I could reach better conclusions. A situation another person has been in has never made you wonder about a larger issue?

Not for you to “decide”, and it’s none of your business.

Again, I was soliciting opinions about the situation in particular, and boundary issues in relationships in general. I’m not trying to ‘decide’ anything for her. Clearly I am not going to go calling him and yelling at him or approving of him on behalf of his wife. I was trying to ‘decide’ if I would conclude he did anything wrong if it happened to me. Should a married man give his number to another woman under any circumstance whatsoever?

[SCSimmons]

@1920s Style "Death Ray"

I wasn’t suggesting that. But to you, the only reasons you’d talk to another woman and get their phone number is if you were hitting on her, that is in fact why you don’t do it. That does not mean that all other men who talk to a woman and get there phone number are necessarily hitting on them.

I absolutely concur. I think it’s in very poor taste to impugn the honor of people who don’t behave exactly as you do, Diogenes, and doubly in poor taste to react to criticism of your over-generalizations as if your own honor were being impugned.

[Koxinga]

@torie

? I’m not sure where you are getting that. She asked me if I thought she was being ridiculous, and I said no, but as long as she trusted him, then everything seemed kosher. I was curious to see how other people viewed it, so that I could reach better conclusions. A situation another person has been in has never made you wonder about a larger issue?

OK, but you didn’t say she herself was uncomfortable with it or that she had come to you to advice. But my view is that only she can really say whether it’s a sign of concern, because she knows her husband and you don’t.

Should a married man give his number to another woman under any circumstance whatsoever?

Well gee, I used to think that the women who worked in my industry were equally valid and approachable peers in networking and other efforts to increase my company’s business. But now I see that they are wilting flowers and must be protected from me, and I must be protected in turn from my own insurmountable primal urges.

And back when I was a bit more self employed, there were even women who (gasp) owned their own businesses and were able to steer projects my way. But I admit, I was a married man at the time and may have given out my business card or written down my phone number and handed it to members of the fairer sex, not realizing myself the rapacious goat I was actually being under the guise of “trying to make a living”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw myself at my wife’s feet and howl a tearful confession.

[torie]

@Koxinga

Well gee, I used to think the women who worked in my industry were equally valid and approachable peers in networking and other efforts to increase my company’s business. But now I see that they are wilting flowers and must be protected from me, and I must be protected in turn from my own insurmountable primal urges.

And back when I was a bit more self employed, there were even women who (gasp) owned their own businesses and were able to steer projects my way. But I admit, I was a married man at the time and may have given out my business card or written down my phone number and handed it to members of the fairer sex, not realizing myself the rapacious goat I was actually being under the guise of “trying to make a living”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw myself at my wife’s feet and howl a tearful confession.

Ok, perhaps I should have said ‘any social circumstance whatsoever’. Obviously the women in your professional life are a bit different. But walking up to a woman in a social situation that you’ve never met and saying 'let’s be friends, here’s my number."? I am not sure whether or not that’s kosher for a married man. I can’t decide.

And the ‘wilting flower’ stuff is crap. My issue has nothing to do with protecting women from men, it’s trying to figure out where the boundaries would be for me vs. where they would be for others. I’m looking for opinions.

[MandaJo]

I can’t see my husband soliciting a phone number from anyone he met in a bank (male, female, married, single, gay, or straight), but I also can’t see him ever turning one down or refusing an offer to swap numbers: he’s a friendly guy who hates to disappoint people.

[bordelond]

@Diogenes_the_Cynic

He’s trying to fuck the chick at the bank. 100% guarantee.

The fact that he told the wife only means that a.) she found the note and he improvised on the spot, or b.) he’s trying to work the three-way.

I got the impression from the OP that the husband exchanged numbers in full view of the wife. But I see that the situation is unclear. Let me read on.

[bordelond]

@torie

Let’s say she called him to see if he was able to accomplish the errand at the bank. He says, “I just met a nice lady. I gave her my cell number” and she responds “Why in high holy hell did you do that?”. That’s when he told her it was because he thought they would get along.

OK, so the wife wasn’t present when the numbers exchange took place. :dubious:

[Swallowed_My_Cellphone]

@CookingWithGas

I didn’t see anything about a baby carriage in the OP.

On, c’mon. Green Bean’s example scenario was like my sister’s scenario: not at all supposed to be fabricating facts for the OP, but providing other examples of the kind of things that do come up for various reasons. Once you get in a committed relationship, that doesn’t mean you have to shun all new contact and never meet any new acquaintances. Adults who have common interests can make new friends too.

Has my fiancee exchanged numbers with guys she’s met? I can say “Yes, absolutely.” Have I exchanged numbers with other women? Yup. I’ve exchanged numbers with other men too. Have we gotten numbers on each other’s behalf? Probably, although I can’t think of any examples of the top of my head.

[UltraVires]

Ok, if he’s trying to bang the chick in the bank, why would he even mention it to his wife?
Wife calls:

Wife: Hi honey, how did that errand go at the bank?
Hubby: Went wonderful. I deposited that check like a pro!
Wife: Did you meet any nice looking women?
Hubby: Of course not. I only have eyes for you, sweetheart!

Do any of you cheaters out there brag to your wife about your potential scores?

[Koxinga]

@jtgain

Do any of you cheaters out there brag to your wife about your potential scores?

Only when I want her to hurry the hell up already and get dinner on the table. :mad:

[Harriet_the_Spry]

I think this is probably innocent. A guy looking to cheat is not going to essentially call up his wife and say “hey, I just got this hot chick’s number.” The wife may be a little stressed out if she jumped right at him with “Why the hell?” It’s when he doesn’t tell that the problem starts.

What I really hope is that they can have a good laugh about how it sounded strange, then have a genuine talk about why they or the wife might want to invite this woman to some group get-together, and then drop the issue. Maybe someday the three of them can all have a good laugh.

It seems possible that, since they’ve only been married one month, the guy hasn’t quite switched over to “married guy” mode. I don’t mean that he’s looking to cheat, but that he just doesn’t understand how it now does look strange for him to ask a woman for her phone number. OTOH, I have read that the time period surrounding pregnancy and childbirth is one of the most common times for men to cheat, so they should be extra considerate of each other and their marriage in what I think of as “the danger zone.”

We’ve had threads about opposite-sex friends for hetero spouses before, and couples are very divided on whether this is OK. So I think this couple should have a conversation (yeah, one of those tedious ones, probably) about how they’re going to handle that in their marriage. Hopefully they are not polar opposites on that.

[Troy_McClure_SF]

Threads like this scare me. A guy exchanges phone numbers with someone of the opposite sex and he’s obviously having an affair? That is a crazy assumption. Actual-crazy. Crazy-crazy.