Now, there’s one more thing I’ve seen, with my own spouse and others: the acceptance that the husband may be perfectly innocent, but very mistrustful of the woman’s intentions. Maybe that accounts for the “what the hell?!” reaction sometimes: not “what the hell are you doing scouting out other women”, but rather “what the hell are you doing giving her a chance to get her claws into you?”
Good point.
I think you hit the nail on the head here.
You win the thread.
That’s a really good point, especially given the fact that the wife just had a baby. Even if she’s not usually mistrustful of other women, she’s probably going through a bit of an insecure period at the moment.
I admit I don’t have the most rosy view of human nature, but that seems pretty sad to me–considering all women (besides oneself) to be vile temptresses out to get one’s man, and one’s man to be a slavering idiot unable to control himself around said temptresses.
Or it’s like my sister’s rift with her (former) best friend in which my sister is being accused of leading someone on. It may have more to do with the appearance of impropriety. “Honey, be careful. She/people may get the wrong idea.” I think “get her claws into you” is an unncecessarily extreme version of that.
If the only reason for giving the woman from the bank his number was so that he could introduce her to the wife, why would that not be the FIRST thing out of his mouth once she’d called? What I would have said in such a situation would be “I just met a nice lady. I gave her my number because I thought you might like to meet her.” Although I can’t imagine ever actually being in such a situation myself – I would not be handing out my personal number to someone else in line at the bank, and I definitely wouldn’t be trying to set up a play date for a spouse or friend with a stranger who I’d barely even met myself. I can see how an outgoing person might do the former, but the latter is just weird.
Because he’s clueless. That’s what I suggested in the part of my post you chose not to quote – that he gave this woman his number without thinking much about it, and only realized when his wife started to get upset that this might seem suspicious or inappropriate to her. Since I don’t know this guy I have no idea whether this would be in character for him, but if his explanation was honest then he’s even more clueless. Is he hunting for new friends for his wife wherever he goes? Did he even tell the other woman that was why he was giving her his number? If some guy at the bank gave me his personal number I sure wouldn’t assume that it was because he thought I’d be a nice chum for his wife.
Guilt and the realization that she might call when he is with his wife. If this is so innocent why didn’t he give her his wife’s number instead? This could be easily cleared up by the wife calling her and asking her. After all that was the idea, right?
I think Dio got it.
I agree with this…that was exactly what I thought when I read that. It sounded like he sort of forgot he was talking to his WIFE and thought he was talking to a FRIEND, saying, “Yeah I got the check deposited and guess what…there was a cute girl in line and I gave her my cell number, hope she calls!” and only when his wife asked why he gave her the number that his brain kicked back into gear and he came up with that very lame excuse.
If he had really given her his number to make a new friend for his wife (yeah right) he would have said something like, “Hey, I ran into a woman in line who belongs to that quilting group you were thinking about joining…I gave her my cell and she’s supposed to call later to let you know when the next meeting is, and she said they’ve changed the meeting place from the one listed in the paper”. Now THAT, I could believe.
Having friends of both sexes is a good thing. Exchanging phone numbers is part of the process of making new friends. Making a spouse feel uncomfortable or not trusted for exchanging phone numbers is a bad thing.
But he didn’t say the woman at the bank was his new friend, he said he thought she’d be a good friend for his wife. I’d find it a lot less odd if he’d just said he wanted to be friends with this woman himself, since he’s the one who’d actually met her. Instead he claimed he only exchanged numbers with her because he thought the wife would want to be friends with her. I’d say that making your spouse feel uncomfortable by recruiting random strangers to be her friends is a bad thing, and rather insulting to the wife. Can she not make her own friends? It’s not like this woman was someone the husband knew well and who had things in common with his wife, she’s just someone he made smalltalk with for a few minutes while waiting at the bank.
Because it’s not that damn urgent.
Really, I see the described incident as not a very big deal, and the related explanation as plausible. And clueless or not, I don’t see anyone with even slightly nefarious motive volunteering the info as related. It struck me as on “Oh, by the way…” sort of thing. If he had made it his top priority in life to blurt it out, that would strike me as unnatural and suspicious.
I think I’m the only person in this thread who has said they find the husband’s behavior bizarre and HASN’T gone on to conclude that he must have a nefarious motive, so I’d appreciate it if you’d stop acting like I had. I think the man sounds like an idiot when it comes to dealing with women*, but that doesn’t mean he’s planning an affair. He could be, but what we know about this incident isn’t proof of that.
I suspect the husband just made up this “Oh, I thought she’d be a good friend for YOU, honey!” business, and if so that was not the right thing for him to do. If he’s the kind of person who casually gives out his personal number to strangers then he needs to be honest about it. His wife should be able to deal with the fact that he’s outgoing, but if he isn’t open about it then it makes it seem suspicious.
If he really did want to set his wife and the woman from the bank up as friends he went about it in a bad way, and I’d say he should not have even tried. It doesn’t sound like he had any reason to believe the two woman had anything in common, and his wife was unlikely to appreciate being treated like she needed help making friends. torie described her friend as being reserved, so she’s even less likely to appreciate being pushed into a social relationship with a woman she’s never heard of before and who even her husband knows almost nothing about.
*Not just the wife, either. If I were chatting with some guy at the bank and he wanted to exchange phone numbers, I would never guess that he was trying to find a new friend for his wife. Frankly, I would not believe it even if the man said that was his reason. Whatever his intent was, the other woman likely believed he was hitting on her.
No, he said he thought she and his wife would get along. The guy has been described as outgoing and friendly, I find it quite plausible he saw a potential friendship – for him and his wife as a couple – with this gal. (And her husband/boyfriend, for all we know.) If he’d been chatting with someone who he didn’t think was compatible with his wife (and himself), he wouldn’t have bothered exchanging numbers. So the explanation that he would give his number to someone he thought his wife would get along with does not tell us that he’s looking for a gal pal for his wife, but that he considers his wife when exploring possible new friendships for the pair of them. It’s obvious that he already thinks HE would get along with this gal, so it’s not necessary to state it.
Caps mine. Word “only” yours, certainly not his. We have no information that precludes his wanting to develop a friendship with her. That “only” is being read into the situation, not read from it.
Phrase “would want to be friends with” yours; I would interpret his thoughts as “might enjoy meeting.”
Okay, I apologize if I’ve mischaracterized your remarks. You have, however, said you thought he made up the explanation, which to me implies some feeling of having done wrong on his part. And this is where you and I seem to be seeing things differently – I get no sense that this was a hastily contrived or made-up explanation. Nor do I see any reason why he would need to make something up (said reason, if it existed, pointing to the nefariousness I mentioned).
Seems to me he is that kind of person, and that he was absolutely honest and open about it. I don’t find anything suspicious in his behavior as described.
A lot of people in their everyday life do not mention every single thought that comes to mind. Much is unstated and expected to be inferred. I find it reasonable to infer that this guy didn’t spell out that he thought the new gal had friendship potential for both him and his wife. When asked why he exchanged numbers he could have said “I could see the possibility of a friendship developing because I was getting along with her and I thought you would get along with her as well, which would make future contact worth considering,” but rather just said the bolded part. I would think anyone familiar with him would understand the rest without its being specified.
I find it incredible the number of assumptions you make about these people when you know nothing about them other than what’s in the OP.
You say it doesn’t sound like he had any reason to believe the women had anything in common. How can you possibly have any idea about this? No one has said anything about the women’s interests, you simply don’t know what their interests are and you don’t know what form the conversation took, yet you persist in making assumptions anyway. The correct answer to the op is that there is not enough information to know whether the husband was being dodgy, but there are conceivable scenarios where he could be being completely honest, and there are scenarios where he might not be. No one in this thread knows enough to be making the kind of definitive statements that many of you are making.
That doesn’t follow at all. He might have exchanged numbers with someone he wanted to hang out with himself, without necessarily believing his wife would like this person. He might also be a person who hands out his number pretty freely without really thinking about it, which is what I have been suggesting all along.
*Since we don’t have any way of knowing what his exact words were, I don’t see how you can be so “certain” about the specific words he used. I’m not claiming to know such a thing. We are getting this story secondhand. But the only explanation the OP says he gave for exchanging phone numbers with this woman was “because I thought you (his wife) would like her and get along well with her.” Is it possible that he wanted to be friends with this woman himself? Sure, but as far as we know he didn’t say so to his wife. The OP was asking whether the wife’s reaction was reasonable given the information that the wife actually had.
*I specifically said I thought he made it up because he realized his wife was getting angry at him. That’s rather childish, but not what I’d call nefarious. For someone arguing that the husband should be extended the benefit of the doubt here you’re awful quick to jump to conclusions about my motivations, even when it involves ignoring what I’ve actually said.
We were asked to provide an opinion without knowing anything about these people other than what’s in the OP.
*Because the OP doesn’t say that all he said anything about believing this woman and his wife had anything in common. I didn’t say there was absolutely no chance in hell that there was any way the two women had anything in common, I said it sounds like the husband had no reason to believe they did. Has the OP told us that the husband said anything about the two women had anything in common? No. That’s why it SOUNDS LIKE he had no reason to believe they did. We’ve been told that he said he thought the woman at the bank and the wife would get along, but the only reason passed on to us for this is that the woman at the bank was a “nice lady”.
*That’s not what the OP asked, though. She asked whether the wife was unreasonable in being annoyed. I think the wife had every right to be annoyed even if she knew for a fact that the husband was being completely honest.
Right. Like I said earlier, I am 99.99999999999999999% sure that this guy would never ever cheat on his wife. He’s just got way too much integrity for that. My friend asked me if she was being ridiculous in being upset and my first impulse was no, she was not. But I figured additional perspectives would be helpful, only for me, because my friend and I haven’t discussed it since it happened. I’m pretty sure they talked it out and reached a conclusion that was acceptable to both of them.
Again, this thread was mainly intended for me to try to flesh out the generally accepted social boundaries in this situation.
There are some people who when hearing a particularly displeasing thing, will cut off the person speaking before they have a chance to explain the situation more fully. This gives off the impression that the would-be explainer was actually reluctant to explain, even though this isn’t necessarily the case.
And while it would be nice to believe that you have time to give a detailed explanation as soon as the person at the other end answers, it is not often the case. But then again, I’m not an assertive person so my experience with phone calls may be skewed to the negative(Which is to say, a lot of talking and interrupting on their part).
I’m not saying you’re wrong, just providing a possible alternative.
Now, torie, were you wishing for us to take this conversation to a more general area, or was this thread simply for the situation you provided in the OP?
Simply Human,
~S.P.I.~
Trying to be a social friend matchmaker for your husband is kind of weird, but I can see some wives doing it. Trying to set up play dates for your wife is (IMO) weirder still, but I can see some men doing it if they have wives that are poor at socializing or if the “other woman” has a particular interest that is in line with the wife’s interests.
I would give her my cell number if I did this so I could control when the intro was made. A stranger calling my wife out of the blue on the home line suggesting a shared interest would be too weird without an intro by the husband. I normally would only see (conceptually) a husband doing this if his wife was a bit withdrawn (for whatever reason) and the hubby was a bit of a doofus.
My ex couldn’t (and still can’t) make a female friend to save her life, but I would never have presumed to try and match her up with a pal.
Having said all this there is a pretty large distance between
and
The fact that he volunteered the info right off the bat kind of takes it out of the likely cheating scenario.
I agree with this. If I was planning on an affair, then I would stay away from the subject as far as I could with the wife. She wouldn’t even know the lady’s name…hypothetically of course.
Now, if it happened like the op and I had said, “Oh, honey, I met this lady at the bank…blahblahblah”, then you could bet on my life that it was an innocent reason.
Of course, everyone is different, but this is definitely how I would be…