Married men, and other women's phone numbers.

[Richard_Pearse]

@Lamia

We were asked to provide an opinion without knowing anything about these people other than what’s in the OP.

Exactly (my bolding).

Because the OP doesn’t say that all he said anything about believing this woman and his wife had anything in common. I didn’t say there was absolutely no chance in hell that there was any way the two women had anything in common, I said it sounds like the husband had no reason to believe they did. Has the OP told us that the husband said anything about the two women had anything in common? No. That’s why it SOUNDS LIKE he had no reason to believe they did. We’ve been told that he said he thought the woman at the bank and the wife would get along, but the only reason passed on to us for this is that the woman at the bank was a “nice lady”.

No it “sounds like” nothing. When you are not given information about something then it doesn’t “sound like” anything, it’s simply a lack of information. Does it sound like the husband drives a red sports car? Also it does not sound like he made up the excuse on the spot, once again, there’s not enough information, we don’t know what his tone of voice was or whether there was hesitation or anything. If someone asks me what I’m doing and I say, “I’m going to the shops,” and they say, “why?” And I say, “because I want to buy some clothes.” Does it sound to you like I made the excuse up on the spot? Or does it sound more like I provided information as it was requested? (B-but, surely you would’ve mentioned the clothes straight away!)

Personally, if my wife told me she’d met a guy at the bank and had exchanged phone numbers because she thought he was nice and we might get along, I’d be annoyed. I’d be annoyed because I don’t want any more friends thanks. But that’s me, I’m not the wife in OP, and I don’t think we’ve even been told WHY the wife is annoyed. If she’s annoyed because she thinks husband is thinking of cheating then the facts as presented don’t support that. On the other hand if she’s annoyed because she doesn’t like other people finding friends for her and her husband KNOWS this, then she has every right to be annoyed. If the husband doesn’t know that then she can be annoyed but she should understand that the husband was not to know and explain to him that she’d prefer he didn’t do that.

[SCSimmons]

@torie

My friend asked me if she was being ridiculous in being upset and my first impulse was no, she was not. But I figured additional perspectives would be helpful, only for me, because my friend and I haven’t discussed it since it happened. I’m pretty sure they talked it out and reached a conclusion that was acceptable to both of them.

Again, this thread was mainly intended for me to try to flesh out the generally accepted social boundaries in this situation.

I’m not sure ‘generally accepted social boundaries’ are all that relevant, honestly. Every relationship is different, and nobody should be second-guessing another person’s emotional reactions to a situation. If one partner doesn’t see an issue, but the other feels threatened, they need to talk it out and find a relationship rule they’re both comfortable with–as it sounds like they have. But whatever compromise they agree on shouldn’t point to one party having been wrong or unreasonable.

One thing I’ve learned in 21 years with my current sweetie is not to pay too much attention to ‘accepted social boundaries’. I can’t count the number of times one of us has done something that has caused someone to ask the other partner with raised eyebrows, “Are you really OK with that?” Or refrained from an action that most partners would have no problems with, because we knew that are partner would, and then fielded the, “Why do you let him/her control you that way?” questions. And the answer is the same for both situations–we have relationship rules & boundaries that work for us. Who cares how they’d work for other people? We’re not married to them.

[Lamia]

@1920s Style "Death Ray"

Personally, if my wife told me she’d met a guy at the bank and had exchanged phone numbers because she thought he was nice and we might get along, I’d be annoyed. I’d be annoyed because I don’t want any more friends thanks. But that’s me, I’m not the wife in OP, and I don’t think we’ve even been told WHY the wife is annoyed. If she’s annoyed because she thinks husband is thinking of cheating then the facts as presented don’t support that.

If she thought he was planning to cheat on her, she’d probably be a lot more than “annoyed”. There’s plenty for her to be annoyed about in this situation even if she trusts her husband’s fidelity, though. She might believe he’s faithful but still think that he lied about his reason for giving the other woman his number. She might believe his explanation but be annoyed because she doesn’t think her husband should be out trying to get strange women to be her friends. She might be annoyed because she thinks he was inadvertently leading the other woman on by exchanging numbers with her. She might be annoyed because she’s afraid that if other people knew her husband was exchanging phone numbers with women he’d barely met then it would look like he was trying to have an affair and the wife would be embarrassed.

There’s plenty about this situation to get a reasonable woman annoyed. That’s all the OP was asking about, and I gave my opinion as requested. I don’t know why you want to have some nitpicky argument with me about it.

[torie]

@SCSimmons

I’m not sure ‘generally accepted social boundaries’ are all that relevant, honestly. Every relationship is different, and nobody should be second-guessing another person’s emotional reactions to a situation. If one partner doesn’t see an issue, but the other feels threatened, they need to talk it out and find a relationship rule they’re both comfortable with–as it sounds like they have. But whatever compromise they agree on shouldn’t point to one party having been wrong or unreasonable.

One thing I’ve learned in 21 years with my current sweetie is not to pay too much attention to ‘accepted social boundaries’. I can’t count the number of times one of us has done something that has caused someone to ask the other partner with raised eyebrows, “Are you really OK with that?” Or refrained from an action that most partners would have no problems with, because we knew that are partner would, and then fielded the, “Why do you let him/her control you that way?” questions. And the answer is the same for both situations–we have relationship rules & boundaries that work for us. Who cares how they’d work for other people? We’re not married to them.

I’m not asking to make rules for me or anyone else, especially not now as it looks like this isn’t something I am going to be discussing with anyone anytime soon. It was just more curiosity about how others view the situation.

Now, torie, were you wishing for us to take this conversation to a more general area, or was this thread simply for the situation you provided in the OP?

The situation in the OP is an example of a situation that I suspect many people have to navigate in the early days of a marriage. So it’s all cool either way.

[SCSimmons]

@torie

I’m not asking to make rules for me or anyone else, especially not now as it looks like this isn’t something I am going to be discussing with anyone anytime soon. It was just more curiosity about how others view the situation.

I get it. I was just pointing out to everyone in general, I guess, that both ‘sides’ can very easily be ‘right’ in a situation like this. There’s a regrettable tendency for people (with or without a lot of information) to make the judgment that the husband was clearly lying about his intentions, or that the wife is clearly overreacting and should chill out. We can see those sorts of reactions all through this thread … The husband may well have been right that the situation was totally innocent and that there was no reason for his wife to be concerned, and the wife could still be perfectly reasonable in asking for a review of the relationship rules because the actions made her feel uncomfortable. The important thing is not whether either of them was more or less reasonable than the other, but whether they can communicate about the problem and find a common ground they both feel comfortable standing on.

I can tell you for sure & certain that if I started collecting phone numbers from strange women, my wife would be thrilled that I was becoming more extroverted (IRL), and not concerned or threatened in any way. But based on the :dubious: I generally get whenever I explain anything about our relationship to someone else, I’m doubtful that our relationship is a very useful data point in particulars like this.

(If I started collection phone numbers from normal women, she might be more concerned. )

[I_m_wrong]

I would just like to know if I’m wrong regarding the following issues –

My hubby of just less than four months recently asked a friend of ours, if she would give him the phone number of a mutual friend of theirs. Whom he hasn’t seen in 35 years, (in fact it was his childhood sweetheart). Our friend declined to give my husband the former girlfriends number, my hubby was very upset and thought our friend was being totally unreasonable. Our friend said that she didn’t think it was appropriate to do so without the woman’s permission. And, more to the point, she didn’t think the former girlfriend’s new husband would appreciate it if she were to get a call from her old boyfriend.

However, our friend did offer to call the woman’s mother and ask the mom if it would be OK for her to give out the number.
Mom said – NO!!! The daughter’s new husband would not take kindly to it at all.

Now just a few days ago, my hubby and I went to an event where the mother of (the former girlfriend) happened to also be in attendance also, my husband said he wanted to introduce me to the mom. So I went over to her with my husband to make her acquaintance. His intro was "hi Mrs. so-and-so, do you remember me, – this my wife #@!&, (and without taking a breath or even a pause) he started in on – and how’s your daughter, I here she’s remarried, has two boys from her previous marriage, blah-blah-blah, as he went down this path, as rude as in may be I turned and start speaking with one of the other guests. I thought he seemed rather desperate and honestly I was a bit embarrassed for both of us.

Fast forward two hours after the event is over, we’re sitting at home and I’m a bit upset, no yelling – nothing crazy, just calmly thought we should discuses the mater. We proceed to hash out the whole phone number issue again, and I told him “I thought our friend made the right call by not giving out the number and that it might have been nice if he would have eased in to the questions and comments regarding the old girlfriend”. I suggested maybe he should have starting with something like, asking the mom how she herself was doing, where she was living, etc. and then ask his ??? about his old girlfriend. I told my hubby I thought he had been rather impulsive and somewhat immature at which point he proceeded to through a screaming hissy-fit. Stating that I was the one who was wrong and that it was not inappropriate for him to be inquiring of his old girlfriend, they were kids when they last saw each other and besides they only went to third-base, and "OMG you are being such a bit#@!!! Millions of people are listed in the phone book so what’s the big f’ing deal about giving out her number. Obviously there was more, but I’m sure you get the picture…

So, I just gotta ask – AM I WRONG???

[clairobscur]

@I_m_wrong

So, I just gotta ask – AM I WRONG???

You have been wrong by not starting a new thread about this rather than reviving this mostly unrelated one, IMO.

Apart from that, I don’t think so. The common friend was perfectly right in saying she shouldn’t give the phone number without childhood sweetheart’s permission. And maybe your husband could have been a bit more tactful with childhood sweet heart’s mom.

[Nawth_Chucka]

@I_m_wrong

I would just like to know if I’m wrong regarding the following issues –

My hubby of just less than four months recently asked a friend of ours, if she would give him the phone number of a mutual friend of theirs. Whom he hasn’t seen in 35 years, (in fact it was his childhood sweetheart). Our friend declined to give my husband the former girlfriends number, my hubby was very upset and thought our friend was being totally unreasonable. Our friend said that she didn’t think it was appropriate to do so without the woman’s permission. And, more to the point, she didn’t think the former girlfriend’s new husband would appreciate it if she were to get a call from her old boyfriend.

However, our friend did offer to call the woman’s mother and ask the mom if it would be OK for her to give out the number.
Mom said – NO!!! The daughter’s new husband would not take kindly to it at all.

Now just a few days ago, my hubby and I went to an event where the mother of (the former girlfriend) happened to also be in attendance also, my husband said he wanted to introduce me to the mom. So I went over to her with my husband to make her acquaintance. His intro was "hi Mrs. so-and-so, do you remember me, – this my wife #@!&, (and without taking a breath or even a pause) he started in on – and how’s your daughter, I here she’s remarried, has two boys from her previous marriage, blah-blah-blah, as he went down this path, as rude as in may be I turned and start speaking with one of the other guests. I thought he seemed rather desperate and honestly I was a bit embarrassed for both of us.

Fast forward two hours after the event is over, we’re sitting at home and I’m a bit upset, no yelling – nothing crazy, just calmly thought we should discuses the mater. We proceed to hash out the whole phone number issue again, and I told him “I thought our friend made the right call by not giving out the number and that it might have been nice if he would have eased in to the questions and comments regarding the old girlfriend”. I suggested maybe he should have starting with something like, asking the mom how she herself was doing, where she was living, etc. and then ask his ??? about his old girlfriend. I told my hubby I thought he had been rather impulsive and somewhat immature at which point he proceeded to through a screaming hissy-fit. Stating that I was the one who was wrong and that it was not inappropriate for him to be inquiring of his old girlfriend, they were kids when they last saw each other and besides they only went to third-base, and "OMG you are being such a bit#@!!! Millions of people are listed in the phone book so what’s the big f’ing deal about giving out her number. Obviously there was more, but I’m sure you get the picture…

So, I just gotta ask – AM I WRONG???

No, you’re right. I feel badly for you how this unresolved crush of his is going to be an ongoing thorn if he refuses to let the idea go. I mean, he remembers how far they went for a reason - it meant a lot and still means a lot. And seems to be unfinished business he seems to think he needs to finish.
Is this unusual behavior for him, clinging to nostalgic things irrationally like a child? Has he had a head injury?
Is this his first marriage? I shouldn’t think so, he must at least be in his late forties, early fifties to have gotten to third base w/ someone 35 years ago.

[astro]

If this was 35 years ago I’m assuming you’re all in your 40’s to 50’s at this point. Assuming (per your OP) they were together in their mid teens your friend acting like she is cock-blocking her friend from some lothario intent on breaking up her friends second marriage is a bit insulting *assuming *you are friends and she knows your husband’s character. Bringing up the mother as the gatekeeper was stupid and unnecessary. She should have just told your husband she would forward his email address to her and if she wanted to get in touch she would. Now your husband an adult 40-50 year old man has your buddy and the mother acting as gatekeepers for a girlfriend he had 35 years ago as a teenager with the obvious assumption he’s going to try doing something disruptive vs just saying “Hello”. So yes… it’s immature and annoying in that context.

And now you’re back on the case after he meets mom telling him he’s childish, desperate and that you think your buddy made the right call. There’s no excuse for name calling, but yes I can see how this would push his annoyance meter into the red zone.

There is no right or wrong here. He should have soft pedaled his annoyance with your friend. It’s her absolute perfect right to protect the privacy of her friend even if she does it in the most annoying possible way, and you should not have piled on him after the meeting with mom.

I get that you’re really pissed he wants to connect socially with his old flame, but you married him and you made some judgment of his character in doing that. If you really think your brand new husband wants to hook up with this teenage flame after 35 years just to break up her second marriage vs just saying “Hello” you have larger trust issues you need to attend to.

[astro]

NM Duplicate post

[Ranger_Jeff]

1. I would never give A’s phone number to B unless I had A’s permission to do so. But, I would offer to call A and give him B’s phone number and relay a very brief message.

B. I would never ask B for A’s phone number. I have asked B to call A and give A my phone number or to ask if it’s okay for B to give me A’s number.

But that’s me.

I doubt your husband still has a raging flame in his heart for this woman after 35 years. If you’re concerned, consider that she’s got 35 more years in mileage on her than she did when they dated. She’s much better looking in his memory than she is in reality.

[Dead_Cat]

I agree that I can’t think of a circumstance where I would give out someone’s number without their permission. This is something that is drilled into us at work, but I see no reason not to apply it socially as well.

Also wanted to say that I’m glad this thread was resurrected because until today, I had no idea that 1920s Style “Death Ray” morphed into Richard Pearse. Always liked both posters, must have missed the announcement!

[Ethilrist]

Back in the day when I was concerned with whether or not my wife was pissed off, I tried to avoid getting other women’s names, let alone phone numbers.

[pulykamell]

@Dead_Cat

I agree that I can’t think of a circumstance where I would give out someone’s number without their permission.

I can think of some cases, but the vast majority of the time, it’s not cool, particularly with someone you have not talked to in years. There may be a very good reason for that. The standard way to do it is in Ranger Jeff’s post. I kinda thought this was pretty standard social manners.