At the very least, have the decency to look ashamed. Scurry. Move quickly out of the damn way of the cars. You’re in the wrong, you know it, there’s proof of your wrongness right in front of you.
Striding boldly and slowly as though you have the right of way makes you an even bigger ass.
My f’ing car exploded, and AAA and their “AAA approved mechanics” cartel is a bloody gyp.
No country code either;)
I’m tired of people wanting me to do stuff. All I want to do is lie around and screw around on the internet and read books and watch surfthechannel and occasionally go to lunch and cafes with my friends and also I should get paid for this.
Is that so much to ask? Jesus.
It’s like I have a twin!
I finally get myself fired up to start exercising again. I decide to get myself going with some yoga and other stuff on the Wii Fit. I turn it on and the wiimote doesn’t work. Hmm, that’s odd the wiimote lights up but nothing appears on screen so I take a look at the ridiculous spaghetti-like cord that runs to the sensor and sure enough some stupid cat chewed on it and because it’s such a thin cord it only takes one chomp. I swear I keep winding up that cord and pushing it out of the way but every time I look it’s unbunched and hanging all over the place just begging a cat to eat it. Yes, I’m annoyed at the cat but the cat was being a cat. If they are going to make a cord so small and cat-enticing then they should encase it in steel. And you can’t just replace the cord because it doesn’t unplug from the sensor, you have to replace the whole sensor. Now I have to buy myself a new sensor if I can find one and I wanted to get myself other stuff for my birthday in a couple days and I won’t be able to spend as much now.
And I’m also mad at myself because I knew this might happen, I could have found something to encase the cord in instead of trusting it would stay where I put it and I was ready to exercise and now here I am sitting on my fat ass and griping on the internet.
Oh yeah, since this is the pit, fuckity fuck fuck!
Yay! It turns out that there is such a thing as a wireless sensor bar! But I still have to find it and buy it. Boo!
I don’t know why I find this unbelievable. I went to annualcreditreport.com to get my credit reports. Experian I got fine. Equifax insists I set up a user name and password. I did not. Without it it won’t give me my report. The option to set UP a user name and password does not work. When I try the “forgot your user name” route it tells me there is no account with my info. Transunion also has me with a user name and pass. I can’t remember it. When I go the "forgot your… " route it suspends my account due to “too many attempts to log on”.
After one attempt.
I call the 877 number. I got thru the rigamarole. It hangs up on me.
I was so excited about moving to the suburbs.
“Oh, look at all the flowers the previous owners had! Look at the raised beds! We’ll get to have a garden!” I said. But, alas, there was no time to do anything new, because we were busy working on the inside of the house. We mowed the lawn and trimmed the weeds and hedges, but we didn’t add anything or take much stock of what we had other than to take note of what was blooming.
Now, a year later, I’ve Planted Things. And there are weeds. And they are killing me.
Our eastern neighbor’s bamboo is crawling under our fence, our southern neighbor’s ivy and greenbriars are crawling over our fence, our own ivy and greenbriars are sloooowly being hacked apart, and my northern neighbor, whose yard looks like a better homes and gardens cover, has got to be snickering at me as she cuts her grass with scissors.
We’re overwhelmed, I’m going to spend all of my weekend fighting weeds and bagging yard waste, and my irises got kind of smashed by the last rainstorm.
And I feel… happy about it. WHY? What is with gardening that makes you into a lunatic!? GARDENERS ARE INSANE, AND I’M BECOMING ONE OF THEM.
Maybe this should go into GQ:
Does anyone know how to kill a bougainvillea? And will you please tell me? My neighbor in the next apartment over has one growing on his side of the fence that separates our back yards. I keep trying to prune it back, and it keeps creeping past the place where the back fence meets the separating fence. Every couple of months I have the corner of the yard completely taken over by this plant, which, incidentally, I got over thinking it was pretty when I was a kid.
I hate having to repeatedly attack that effing bush. I don’t own proper pruning tools, and improvising with a bread knife is really painful whenever I grab a handful of thorns.
If nobody knows how to kill a bougainvillea plant (from the leaf end, please), can somebody please teach me how to say “Will you please keep your bougainvillea cut back?” in Arabic? Please make it phonetic spelling; I can’t manage the squiggly letters.
Here you go!
And a video. 
A day after blasting with the flamegun, the various weeds, native plants and vines were all dead. The thing works by thermal shock, not by incineration.
And the same video set to a well-known and appropriate tune 
The gardeners killed a bougainvillea in my back yard by nicking it with a weed whacker.
No more gardeners, and no more water for the lawn either. We’re supposed to cut down on water use here due to the shortage and the rates are going up anyway, so screw the lawn.
Why does Verizon have a “non primary interstate access charge” of seven freaking dollars every month on the landline phone? Why??
It’s almost the end of the semester, and I’ve spent the past 18.5 years laboring at various part-time jobs as a professor, among other things, because there are too many people like me and not enough FT jobs. When there are, a gajillion of us apply for them and very few are interviewed. Another year wasted. With the CA budget cuts, it will only get worse. Yes, I’m glad to have any work at all, but this field is not working out–not the way it was supposed to. A bunch of silverbacks were supposed to retire and leave the FT jobs to the rest of us, but the CEOs have figured out that it’s cheaper just to hire tons of adjunct faculty instead.
Fuck it all…I’m going into the physical therapy field or something medical.
I know you’re not me, because you have a lawn. You’re sort of like a depressing future-me.
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Relying solely on my bike (and utterly retarded bus system) to get me around would be a lot less shitty if I didn’t fucking burn after twenty fucking minutes in the sun. Today I rode, not in one go, roughly eight miles. Most of it was an easy, quick ride - three miles were literally straight downhill. What do I have to show for it? Fucking lobster arms.
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I did not get the job that I really really wanted and therefore will not get free tickets to a series of awesome summer concerts, which fucking sucks.
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Fuck gas stoves and ovens. Seriously, we haven’t evolved past cooking with things that are extremely likely to go boom and blow you the fuck up? I want to bake a premade pizza, not fear for my life.
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In the past twenty-four hours I have encountered two moths, a grasshopper, and a cricket - which was sitting on my fucking bicycle, that fucker. Know what the only three bugs that irrationally creep me out are? Yeah, moths, crickets, and those goddamn grasshoppers. Little fuckers are conspiring against me.
Why is it getting so DIFFICULT to buy fabric, to sew with? WalFart is eliminating what meager stock they had, maybe to make more room for more cheap crap from China. The Rag Shop folded its tent a couple years ago. There’s one JoAnn Fabrics Store left, but most of it is arts n’ crafts and fake flowers. It can’t be that “nobody sews anymore”, there are plenty of home sewers that I know of, other than me!
Head down to your local auto parts store and get some braided hose wrap. Should expand enough to fit over the connector and then draw down to look nice. Secure the ends with zip ties or heat shrink tubing.
Comes in metal or various colorful plastics.
Sample
ETA: Obligatory pitting. Fucking mosquitoes.
Stupid plasma TV has a thick black line down the middle of the screen. Apparently it’s a common problem, probably caused by a damaged solder. Wish I was technologically adept so I could fix it myself, but it seems like I may have to call in an (expensive) expert.
it’s All of Me with instant compatibility all over again!
Well, except for tge actual interacting with other people in meatspace part.
Reminds me of a Buddhist story. This guy was walking through the jungle when a tiger started chasing him. So he leaped off a cliff and a grabbed a vine as he fell. Hanging from the vine he looked up and saw the tiger was up there waiting for him to climb back up. Looking down he saw a very long fall with another tiger waiting for him on the ground. Looking back up he saw two mice start chewing on the vine keeping him alive. As the vine grew thinner and thinner he looked over and saw a plant with a single ripe strawberry. He held on to the vine with one hand and plucked the strawberry with the other.
It was the sweetest strawberry he ever ate.
You better watch it, bub. In two weeks I will be PMSing and there will be hell to pay.
