I’d like to tell you a little story about Cuthbert.
As you shall soon see, Cuthbert was a most extraordinary being, who suffered a lot this morning.
It all began when Cuthbert was rudely interrupted from his stroll.
He’d been walking up a nice soft shower curtain, minding his own business, and singing a little song, when the broad who was in the shower screamed.
Said screaming broad then froze in wonderous panic, and Cuthbert smiled to himself. He’d always been proud of his large size, well-groomed wings, and extra-long antennae, and he could tell that she admired them too.
He whistled a little to show off, and kept on walking.
But the shower curtain soon became more turbulent than he’d remembered it ever being - it was moving rather violently. Fed up with trying to keep his hold, he let go, and landed on the wet tile floor.
Then he saw the screaming broad again. She quickly ran out of the bathroom and closed the door. He was all alone again. He could still hear her whimpering behind the door, but he’d reached the conclusion long ago that the big folks were impossible to understand.
Cuthbert then scampered towards the hot pipe running up from floor to ceiling in the corner of the room to dry off. He was halfway up the pipe when the door opened again, and this time two screaming broads were staring at him. Feeling a little self-conscious now because the water had mussed up his wings a little, he circled around to walk up the rear of the pipe, with his back towards the wall. That way he’d be hidden.
The two came and went a couple times, and he decided he was tired. So he crawled back down to the floor, and started walking. So far, no more screaming broads. Wait. The first one just opened the door again. Shit. Maybe if I freeze, she’ll miss me and leave. Cuthbert was a very clever flying cockroach, you see. But Cuthbert never saw the sneeze coming. The broad just stood there and sneezed, and he was startled by the sudden noise, and his antennae moved. And sure enough, the broad started screaming again.
But Cuthbert had found a bed, and he was determined to go take a nap, screaming broad or no. His plans were foiled, however, for all of a sudden he felt a shooting pain in his back. He twitched and screeched a few times, but his screeching was completely drowned out the screams he heard from above. He tried to limp under the bed, but they screamed even louder and he felt the pain again. And again and again and again.
And that was it. Cuthbert died at 8:23 AM on Friday, November 30th. Miserere dominus, miserere dominus, Cuthbert mortuus est.
In closing, I feel the need to share the following:
I am the screaming broad. And I say to you, Cuthbert old friend, FUCK YOU FOR NEARLY KILLING ME IN MY SHOWER THIS MORNING.