I think it would have bugged the shit out of me when I was single, because typically a first date is just the time that you figure out if you even like the person enough for a second date, and that kind of thing is pretty heavy, when typically you talk about music, food, TV, sports, college, etc…
Any woman who’d be putting me through that level of interrogation would likely be one of two things- one, some kind of super-career-focused woman who is trying to figure out if I fit into HER career, or two, some kind of gold-diggerish woman who’s trying to engineer the “perfect” future for herself, and trying to see if I fit into HER perfect future.
In either case, they’re basically judging you right off the bat to see if you’re longer-term material, and to me, that’s pretty much a huge turnoff. They may as well have emailed me a questionnaire to fill out before the date was scheduled.
Check out the video short entitled “Full Disclosure” with Judy Greer. (I’m too lazy to look up a link for it right now, but you can probably get it on iTunes.) It’s about a guy who decides to lay everything on the table at the first date. It’s both hilarious and moving.
Well, it’s good to see that the driven, career-minded men and women, who don’t waste their time and have five year plans, are finding each other. It leaves more of the actually interesting slobs and wackos for me.
Also, I’m utterly confused as to what is the message of the linked video. “You’re a strong, independent woman. You can stand up for yourself and take control of a conversation. You don’t waste your time. Here’s how you find a man that can take care of you.” Wait, what?
Prezactly! This video is about a relationship as a business opportunity, maximizing returns in the interests of the woman. Granted, men have been doing that for years so I will concede part of the premise. This isn’t a how to for dating; it’s a job interview.
“I really want to live in an abandoned lighthouse on a lonely coast in 5 years time, no distracting possessions or modern machinery: just me and the right woman, a strong healthy woman with the guts to work hard and play hard. In the evenings I’ll play my flute.”
“I recently escaped from an island prison after being framed for treason and then recovered a treasure buried by a fellow prisoner who helped me escape. My three-year plan involves establishing myself in high society under the title of The Count of Monte Cristo. My ten-year plan involves taking my elaborate revenge on the men who wronged me.”
Heh. When my second daughter was born, we were told that the hospital might require us to write our goals for 12 hours after the child’s birth, 2 hours after the child’s birth, 48 hours after the birth, etc. on a whiteboard in the room. I’d prepared similar goals to yours, something like:
Hour 12: child sits up unsupported, issues her first order.
Hour 24: Child’s army of spider minions assembled.
Hour 36: North Carolina draped by web of spider minions, expanding exponentially at daughter’s psychic commands
Hour 48: Earth transformed into haven for monstrous infant-spider hybrids
Sadly, our room didn’t have the whiteboard.
As for the question, I agree with others. If it’s organic (“You work for a humane society? Cool! Do you think you’re gonna stay there longterm?”) it’s a fine conversational gambit. If it’s asked as if the date has a checklist of HR-approved questions, it bothers me not for the content of the question, but for what it reveals about the date’s ability to chat.
My life plan has always incorporated a rolling assumption that I’ll be dead within five years. True, it hasn’t borne out, but eventually I’ll be proven right.
Obviously being outright asked about a 5-year plan is stupid. But there are plenty of reasonable ways to share thoughts about the near (and not so near) future:
“So, are you planning on staying in DC long?”
“Studying Italian folklore sure sounds interesting! What are your plans for after graduation?”
“What sorts of things are you really looking forward to?”
It’s not just a ploy to find out potential salaries. You want to know if there are any big moves in the works, if someone is planning a major life change like going to med school or becoming a war journalist, if they ae looking forward to the house in the suburbs or something else, etc. In my case, I plan to live abroad again at some point in the future, so I wanted to get that out there early in case it was a dealbreaker. While finding the attraction is all well and good, there isn’t much point in a marriage-minded person investing a lot of time in something that isn’t going to go anywhere.
