It sounds to me that you are operating under a concept of “relationship efficiency.” If he’s hot, and is good at sex, you should fuck with him. If he is good at talking, be his friend. If he’s good at both, do both, if he is neither, do neither.
I was dumped by a girl who not-so-kindly explained to me that while I was a nice person to talk to, I was simply not good-looking enough. Funny thing was, we had been together for seven months. She wanted to “just be friends.” This kind of talk is very insulting. I’m sure this is not even close to a unique experience, for men or women.
Now, I realize that a lot of “older and wiser” (and there are surely lots of men on this board who are both, with regards to me) who have faith in this concept. They might not find it insulting to be kept at friends-distance because of a lack of attraction, or be a lover just because of sexual appeal.
But there are no gaurantees. I, personally, don’t think that the economic view (what do you have to offer me?) view of relationships works at any state of a person’s life, at least not completely.
You know, maybe it would (and I am not trying to be manipulative) be better if you disregarded what I’m saying. I’m sure that my ideas work much better for college students like me. I surely do not understand the ways of old folks, even though my 51-year-old match.com-using mother thinks that I’m a great relationship counselor.
Stoid, you made it plain that you’re just looking for a fuck-buddy. That’s fine except most people consider sex part of a relationship. If a person enjoys a loving monogamous relationship then by default there is the potential that any dating might result in the desire for love. In this case you’re dealing with a guy who’s young and just out of a failed marriage. What is a marriage but a commitment of love. He’s on record as wanting to be loved and not just fucked. He is also young and may want children.
You offer nothing to this man that a Penthouse can’t give him and he risks falling in love with someone who will never love him or give him a family life.
In short, you’re jerking this guy’s chain. You’re a woman and you have all the fuck-buddy cards in your hand. You’ve already notched your bedpost with this guy’s heart. Go to a bar and troll for trouser-trout like everybody else in your situation.
You are learning it later in life than I did, but learn it we all must – while it would be so gratifying to be The One who can make a man “see the light,” it is simply not going to happen that way. You’re living in a Fairy Tale, not reality. The raw reality is, this guy might be able to make your knees buckle, but he’s too emotionally crippled to deal with it, and you can’t make him. He’s told you he doesn’t want to pursue this anymore, whatever his fucked up reasons. You need to respect that. More than that, though, you need to respect yourself and not pine over a man who isn’t interested.
YES! You know how I know this? Because you can make it so. Because you know how to scope out a connection with a man. You know when something clicks and sparks. And you know you’re one kick-ass lover. You make your men good! Rowr! You have all the control. You know this. Use it.
Nonsense. Poppycock. There is never a shortage of men who want to get laid. At any age.
Stop selling yourself short, woman! You managed to snag and keep a hot young boy for 10 years! You managed, in only a short time after ending that, to find this guy. You will find another knee-buckler.
I’m telling you, yell that out loud right now. It is SO empowering and SO liberating. Go on, try it!
Yes, I do still live around here (check my location field). At the moment, I don’t know any single men, but feel free to drop me a line and maybe we can come up with a way for you to meet some – jill61 at surfcity dot net.
I fear I’m not really understanding what it is you are saying, but I understand part of it and I can tell you this: hotitude and appearance have nothing to do with any of it. It sounds like you were dating someone shallow who had weird criteria going. i don’t care if you look like a monkey if I feel a connection and chemistry with you. But if I don’t, I’m not going to continue in a sexual relationship with you just to keep from wounding you or to keep other aspects of the relationship.
Yeah… you kinda missed the whole point here, and I’ll own that as my fault. But no, no part ofyour post really applies, except that I can’t and won’t provide him with children if he wants them. But apart from that I’m very open to everything, it just starts with the sexual connection. Which I have come to understand was very influenced by how much I like him and connect to him as a person. But it was he who feared more, not me.
Shayna, I haven’t seen you active on the boards in forever. Good to have you back. Your advice, as always, rocks.
Stoid, hadn’t seen much of you either. Glad to have you back, though I am sorry about the circumstances. I know it’s tempting to do a full post-mortem dissection of the relationship, but in the end, you either don’t know much more than you started with OR you know more and it doesn’t make you feel any better. The answers lie, as they always have, within you. (And understand, that I would have throttled anyone with the chutzpah to try that line on me while I was in the throes of breakup angst.)
I guess what I don’t understand is what you’re hoping for here. From what you’ve said, you’ve tried to stay sanguine through all this nonsense because you have incredible sexual chemistry with this guy. I understand how rare that is, and like you I’ve put up with too much bullshit for good sex. But he is not for you. From what you’ve said, he’s emotionally unavailable to you for reasons out of both your control. He’s been mean to you for no reason. He’s ditched you for long periods of time. You want to fix him, make it all better, but that’s not for you to do, and he won’t let you anyway.
You don’t need this guy. You will find someone better. Please don’t waste your time and energy hoping he comes back to you. It’s beneath your dignity to pine away for someone who isn’t treating you as you deserve.
You thread title says “give me a little hope.” I think hope is a bad thing in this case. It keeps you from moving on, and you should.
I never understood this need by women to conduct an exit interview when a relationship doesn’t work out. It worked at one time for him and now it doesn’t? What else matters? Do you think you will corner him into some inconsistancy on cross examination that will result in him recanting the breakup?
I think you’re giving off “emotionally attached” signals, whether you want to or not. I certainly heard it loud and clear. It sounds like he wants to get out of his current marriage and get on level footing emotionally and he’s feeling the pressure…whether you intended it or not.
Give him some time. A lot of time. Once he’s free and clear and can figure out where his head is at, you may be able to pursue the relationship again. Best of luck to you.
I actually cringed when you wrote that after an unkind cease and desist e-mail from him, “I (went) nuts, I emailwritecalltextmessage(d)” because it’s so undignified and so contrary to the “I’m emotionally tough” position you advertised yourself as being.
He ended it gently and lovingly. That’s great. The fact that you’re now looking for hope when he has given you no evidence to believe there is hope is puzzling. You listed some great reasons why he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, sexual or otherwise. Being newly separated from his wife is a big one. I know people who are *widowed * who still feel guilty when they have feelings for someone else. Having your spouse still be alive can’t make it any easier.
Let it go. You weren’t looking for a long-term relationship anyway. It just fizzled a little quicker than you’d have preferred.
Well, as i’ve explained, it was so completely over the top and uncalled for, so utterly opposite of what the communication was about, that I was emotionally wrecked, as well as angry. It was a cruel response to what had been a fundamentally loving communication from me. And in any case, the absolute most evil and cruel thing you can EVER do to me is shut down communication. I’d rather be beaten with live wires.
And I’ve never claimed toughness, nor have I ever had much attachment to “dignity” - I think that’s just another word for ego. And while I do have an ego, no question, I’m much more interested in getting the connection and communication together than worrying about some nebulous concept of dignity. Especially when I aint’ gettin’ what I want. (Dont’ mistake my abiltity and willingness to weather pain as some kind of “tough” ability to not feel it. I feel things exttremely deeply, I’m emotionally naked. I’m easy to wound…I’m just okay with it. I accept it as the price you pay for big joy, love and ecstasy. Can’t open yourself to the good without being willing to take on the bad, they travel as a team.)
OK, this is what bugs me. He did something to you worse than beating you with live wires? And you want us to give you hope that he might come back to you? WHY? Doesn’t your sense of self-preservation and self-love tell you that he’s not the guy for you? When someone is that cruel to me and I don’t walk away, I’m punishing myself. Are you?
I can’t believe that you are blowing off the idea that dignity exists outside of a euphemism for egotism, is a nebulous concept that ought to be disregarded after someone has done the emotional equivalent of beat you with wires, and you’re still worried about your connection with him. This bit is… not too emotionally sound.
Dignity is not a “nebulous concept.” It’s clearly, in this case, NOT chasing after a man whose ambivalence and fear harms you as badly as you say it does. NOT fostering hope of reunion. NOT refraining from dating because you’re nurturing a hang up for this guy. In time, you will look back on this and wonder why you put up with this crap. Do yourself a favor and try very hard to let it go ASAP.
But there is NO REASON to pine after someone who has caused you big pain. I mean, there is the pain that happens in the course of normal give and take, and then there’s cruelty and blatant disregard, which is what you’re claiming this man did to you. OK, you dealt with it. Now walk away. Don’t scourge around for hope, don’t conduct an exit interview. Just walk away. To do anything else would be demeaning to you.
I’ve been where you’ve been. You can’t negotiate someone into getting back together with you. Even if you could, you wouldn’t want to.
I agree with all of this - dignity is an important thing to have. It lets you realize that you don’t deserve to be treated in bad ways and to react in a way that is emotionally healthy for you. If you think that breaking off communication is equivalent to torturing you, then your running after him so frantically is not a good reaction.
My WAG is that yes, he did want to break up (for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter in the end that much), and that’s why he picked the fight - but his making up with you is just a reaction to your freakout, and it won’t last. Now not only is he ambivalent about getting close to you, he’s also reeling from your reaction to his trying to break up. This kind of reaction is probably why some guys just stop calling as a means of breaking up; they fear the confrontation.