Menstruation etiquette.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not looking for advice, but a situation that came up in my personal life has made me curious how other women (especially those heterosexual relationships) inform their intimate partners that their delicate Georgia O’Keefe flower of womanhood will soon be expelling what resembles a love affair between V8 and strawberry jam.

Background: I’m a woman who primarily dates other women-- I’ve had two serious relationships with men, but that’s been it until recently. About a month ago, I started having very occasional overnight can’t-call-them-dates with a very charming gentleman-- essentially, we’ve been meeting every three weeks or so for dinner, good conversation, cocktails, and candelit sex in more or less that order (and then breakfast!) but are explicitly not romantically attached, and don’t see each other otherwise. I’m very, very happy with the relationship so far, but the day after deciding when to see each other next, it hit me :smack: that I’ll almost definitely be having my period then.

Now, with other women, mentioning when it was That Time Of The Month was never a big deal, due to presumed solidarity-- it might even come out in casual “oh hey, I need to run to the drugstore” type conversation. And both of my male romantic interests grew out of friendships, so they’d already seen me blow my nose and eat too many bar tacos and drool on the arm of the couch when I’d fallen asleep watching LOST and otherwise practice having bodily functions by the time it ever came up.

But with my current lover, we’re still very much in “wear something nice” mode. High-polish mode. Don’t-fart mode. And what to say or do actually gave me pause for a moment, before figuring if we’re having sex, we’re intimate enough to mention “oh hey, you might not want to have the blindingly white sheets and comforter on your bed next time I come over.” So I sent him a quick email saying as much.

I’m curious: what would the other female Dopers do in whatever parallel of my situation they might have? Even for more conventional dating-that-includes-sex, what do you personally say and how do they react? “Guess what honey, I MENSTRUATE!” isn’t much of a surprise, one would hope, but even with a long term partner, do you have a secret code? Wear a certain color of underpants? Let him figure it out from the heating pad and empty bottles of Motrin?

2

Oh, my husband usually knew from the growls, snarls, and trails of bloodspots. That was my not-so-secret code. I’m SO GLAD I had that plumbing removed.

When I was dating, I was on the Pill, so I had much lighter and more predictable periods. I just didn’t accept dates when I was gonna be on my period, if the relationship was a sexual one.

3

I’ll say, “Next week is Party Week.” And during Party Week I usually wear undies to bed (nude otherwise), and we always abstain from nookie.

Married 18 years, on the pill (so Party Week is predictable). Mr. S is a grown-up, and cool with the fact that women’s bodies do weird things.

On the other hand, I once knew a woman who’d recently married a man who was divorced with teenage kids. The first time they went grocery shopping together, she grabbed a box of her feminine protection of choice and tossed it in the cart. He was horrified: “Don’t put those in with the FOOD!” :eek: :rolleyes:

4

When it happens with a guy I’m not in an established relationship with - as in, I’m pretty sure he expects us to end up in bed at the end of the evening - somewhere along the way I’ll say something like, “Sorry, I should probably tell you that it’s a bad time of the month for me.” Not a big deal, usually.

With my current boyfriend I just tell him that I’ve fallen to the Communists.

5

I tell my husband it’s “Shark Week” (blood in the water) and we throw down a dark towel if we’re going to do anything sexual.

6

“I’ve got, uh, you know, so we’ll have to be…:wink: creative,” usually works for me. I’m actually not opposed to vaginal intercourse on my period, but it hasn’t happened in years. I can’t for the life of me remember how I brought it up back then. I can only assume that for the college age guys I was with at the time, the hormones overrode the squick factor and the discussion went something like:
“I, uh…”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“Fuck it, grab that towel over there and let’s do this!”

7

I’m just gonna chime in as a guy here.

Me and most of my friends don’t really care, we understand “that time of the month” and other such pseudonyms, and a lot of us are still down for sex so long as it’s in a shower or the flow’s not too heavy and we put a towel down (I won’t go down on a woman if she’s on her period though, I think that’s a bit gross). Now I understand some women don’t like sex at that time cause you’re uncomfortable or in pain or whatever, but most guys are pretty understanding of such things, afaik.

as for “code words” anything from “now’s not a good time of the month” to “I’m bleeding like a wounded animal” is pretty much acceptable :smiley: (I liked I’ve fallen to the commies, that’s a good one)

8

When it first came up (or rather, out…) with my SO, I just said, “I’m bleedy.” He said, “Ewww,” and started referring to it as Pillowpants.

9

Another guy here saying that sex isn’t gross during periods. Just make sure there’s either a towel or sheets you don’t give a shit about down. To be honest, I actually think less of men who are grossed out by it.

10

Well, after the first time I figured that as a high school graduate, he was most likely capable of counting to four.

11

Since my monthly visitor has absolutely impeccable timing, it decided to show up the very first time The Boy and I got naked. So much for that whole I-have-no-bodily-functions stage of the relationship, huh? :slight_smile:

Anyway, a few months later he made a joke about how he does a little jig every time my period shows up because it’s one more month without a pregnancy scare (one of his exes apparently had a very irregular cycle, which meant there were regular OMG-I’m-late panic attacks). I’m regular like clockwork, but he still appreciates being able to breathe easy for yet another month.

After that, the code for my time of the month has become “Hey, you can start jigging now”.

12

Doesn’t sex kind of involve bodily functions anyway? :stuck_out_tongue:

13

Being a nurse, I am an outlier. I’ll buy your supplies, dispose of the soiled bits for your and inspect 'em for changes in the discharge, but I do want to say that if you’re not into it because of your period, say so. Don’t give me some vague excuse that leaves me wondering what I did wrong.

14

Speaking as someone who earned his red wings back at uni (although realising now how risky that was I wouldn’t do it again without a long-term monogamy thing)…

It depends what you’re looking for. I’ve been with women who don’t want to be touched at that time of the month and weren’t any fun to be around otherwise, but there was one woman I went out with (see above) who, when she was on the rag, was desperate to be taken in every possible manner.

If you’re seeing him mostly for no-entanglement sex and you’re not going to want to have any, be honest enough to reschedule and say why. If you’re seeing him for companionship and you’re unpleasantly hormonal, reschedule and say why.

If you want everything to go as normal - with a few allowances or not - the appropriate time to bring it up is just before clothes come off. If you’re at his place, a towel is appropriate.

The reasons will be understood as valid. If he’s been around the block it shouldn’t freak him out.

15

Do your guy a favor and make sure he isn’t grossed out by sex on the period.

I’m another guy checking in to say I don’t mind it a bit.

There have been a couple of my past GFs who would get particularly horny during that time of the month. And boy did it ever show during our “love making.”

To me, sex on the period has somewhat of a “primal” feel to it, which makes it kind of uh,… interesting

I’m not sure if that makes me a total perv or not but there you have it.

16

Past girlfriends have told me everything from “I’m on the rag” to “it’s… that time” to “no oral tonight, k?” My wife lets me a few days ahead of time by telling me her boobs hurt. And she’s not saying it as a warning, because there’s very little we won’t do while she’s on her period- she won’t go down on me after I’ve been inside, but that’s about it. Count us in as a couple that doesn’t mind period sex.

If you’re uncomfortable about it, just say something like “you know how we agreed to get together on the 21st? Well, we won’t be able to do everything we normally do, if you know what I mean…” He’ll get it.

17

By the time we got to, uh, that stage of things we’d known each other for a while and so he was already kind of aware of when I had PMS (this was before anti-depressants, so my moodiness was at its worst). So it wasn’t really a big deal to bring it up. The only ‘code’ I use is to say that ‘Aunt Flo is visiting’–that or he notices when I go to bed wearing a pad.

18

I’ve said “oh by the way, I’m on my period.” Subtle, whazzat? If a man can’t deal with something I spend 5 days out of every 32 doing, he ain’t the man for me!

Since my flow is very low (from what I hear other women say) except on the second day, I reckon it’s a great time for sex (extra lube!), but my guys usually got squicked. I know, I should’a found better guys…

19

Generally, I say “Hey! I started my period.” This is just to let him know that we’re not pregnant. If for some reason he isn’t told, the fact that I’m wearing undies and shorts to bed usually does.

If he’s being totally oblivious, the rustle-rustle of my maxi pad against his nether regions as he spoons me usually does the trick… :slight_smile:

20

Husband knows. I tell him I have cramps and he can usually figure the rest out by the crying jags, extreme moodiness, and the fact that I’m a stone cold bitch around that time. He’s usually so annoyed with me (and I’m so miserable) it’s a moot point anyway so it’s not like we have to worry about it.