Mental illness as a social tool.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Have any of you met or know of people who have feigned, or even exaggerated, a mental illness to meet people or to break the social ice, or just to garner sympathy? And would that be a mental illness in and of itself?

Some background, I play World of Warcraft. I’m an officer in a raiding guild, which essentially means I gather people together and we go slay the big bad dragon, or more appropriately, the big bad fish, bird, and demon. I know I’m an anomaly what with there being no grulz on teh internetz. But, because I am a raid leader, I talk. A lot. And there is no mistaking that I am a ‘gurl’.

So my problem is this: there is one guy in the guild, who is special. And by special, I mean everyone has to tippytoe around discussions with him because you never know what sets him off. He’s Canadian, and while I can appreciate it gets old to hear “Blame Canada” he gets downright scary in his violent responses. The venom in his responses to some of the other mundane topics of discussion made me think that he needed some help, but it really is hard to gauge a person via typed word. Okay, well some people.

Out of the blue, he started talking to me via typed messages. His opening line was: I’m close to killing myself. It did not get better from there. He told me several more things, but the common theme was he was going to kill himself because he was all alone and needed company, was fat, ugly, and got pushed around a lot. I know his first name, but that’s it. It’s not like I had any information to call authorities to check on him. Everyday since then he would tell me something more, all along the suicide theme. I urged him to see a doctor, yet he always seemed to have some sort of excuse of why he couldn’t get in, money, work, waiting list, available doctors in area, etc.

After every conversation he would ask that I not say anything to anyone. I can understand the privacy wish, but you don’t dump that on someone’s lap and expect them to sit on it. He is rather chummy with another female in the guild. They’ve known each other for years. She affectionately (or sarcastically, I can never tell) calls him her other son. So after a particulary bad conversation with him where he shared far too many personal details, he says something to the effect that he had to go and if he didn’t return in the next couple of days, I would know what happened, I break my silence and speak to her. Essentially hoping to find out if she knew his full name and a more narrow location of where he lived.

Her response: don’t worry about him. He isn’t mentally ill, and he doesn’t really mean what he’s saying, he’s just doing it to pick up women. Just remind him you are married. :confused:

My first reaction is he is damn lucky I’ll never see him in person because I’d knock his front teeth out. But then I got to thinking that quite possibly his mental illness is this need for sympathy, attention, and lack of self confidence? Or he’s a playa. I have no clue. I’m just not understanding why anyone would think pretending to have a mental illness is such the great pick up for the opposite sex. FWIW, I do think he has some definate anger issues, whether that quailifies him having a mental illness, I don’t know.

2

Interestingly enough, I had a similar problem when I was an officer in a WoW raiding guild. We had a guy who was very nice most of the time, but would occasionally go absolutely apeshit. From what we understood, the story was that he had terminal cancer and was dealing with a lot of depression. We dealt with it for awhile until he reduced several guild members to tears and literally screamed obscenities at the guild master. We then booted him. By that time he had scared away a number of people, but also had given lavish gifts and sucked up to others so he took several with him (not as many as he would have liked, he wanted to destroy the guild entirely).

In my opinion, it was all an issue of control. He was an absolute child about things not going his way. If he was ever stuck with the second tier Karazhan raid group or if he was asked to step out for a boss fight, temper tantrum time. He could never understand the needs of the group, only his own needs.

Now whether or not the guy was sick is subject for debate. Personally I think it was likely that the story was at least partially true. Regardless, there’s no reason for him to take out his problems on everyone else, nor should we have continued to humor him by walking on tiptoes around him for months on end. It ultimately only hurt the guild as he was humored and given a lot of top-end gear, as well as given large stockpiles of money and supplies to make resistance gear for the other tanks (which he kept all for himself).

All we asked to have him return was an apology and a commitment to him that he would behave. He would never admit he was in any way wrong so he never returned.

All of the personal chats, empathy, and patient work in the world did nothing. WoW is a game, not therapy for the mentally ill. If he can’t behave himself normally, he should be booted. If your guild can’t man up and get rid of a problem, find a new guild.

3

IMHO, that guy could use a visit from the authorities. First, to make sure he is OK and second, if he is OK, for some straight talk about how it’s not cool to tell people you’re going to kill yourself as any kind of a joke, attention-getting device, etc. Depending on how closely you know his location (probably needs to be more specific than “Canada”) you might want to talk with the local authorities. He might already be known to them from previous encounters.

Feigning mental illness as a social tool/ pickup line? It seems so ill-advised that its use would indicate a serious problem, sort of a vicious circle/circular logic thing.

4

I had a roommate in college who kept talking suicide when things got him down. It was all I could do, by the time I moved out, to keep from offering to help him off himself. I have an absolutely horrible reaction, these days, to anyone talking about suicide to me. I’ll take a few minutes to point them to a suicide hotline, and if they don’t want that, I’ll tell 'em to leave me alone or I’ll start linking to some of the suicide assist sites online. And then I stop talking to 'em. No second chances.

Oddly enough, I’ve never, ever, ever had any of the people who were eager to talk about their suicidal tendencies, who so desperately wanted help, and someone to talk to, actually take me up on the suicide hotline hints. I know there are a lot of people who do cry for help just before committing suicide. But it seems to me that most of the vocal people are just in it for attention, for the sense that they make people pay attention to them, and they can be the center of attention, and important.

I would not play with that person ever again. YMMV, of course.

5

Well, I don’t know that it’s always a social tool, but I’ve been there as well. For me, I was an officer in a raiding guild in Everquest. There was a teenage boy in our guild who would talk my ear off if I let him. In my case, I think I was more a mother figure for him because he knew I was at least fifteen years older than he.

He’d always had issues, but one day he went really nutso and told me he was going to kill himself. My first thought was “boy, are you ever a pain in the ass” but I figured on the off chance that he was telling the truth, I had to do something. Luckily, I knew his father also played, and I was able to track him down pretty quickly and told him to go deal with his son.

I don’t know what happened after that, because I think his father took away his playing privileges. I felt kind of bad, but honestly - what else could I have done?

I think the moral of the story is: If you’re a girl and you’re an officer in a guild, beware of the crazies.

6

Damn girl he sounds like a catch! Suicidal, fat, ugly…are you sure you’re not gonna leave your husband for him?

7

That sounds like a person I used to know, actually. She would take on the traits of other illnesses to garner attention, such as starving herself after she saw how much sympathy was given to an anorexic girl she went to school with. She claimed her girlfriend was beating her, when we knew this wasn’t the case. She’d threaten suicide constantly, but never actually attempt it. She’d “cut” herself using her fingernails, never badly enough to draw blood. She’d manipulate whoever her therapist was at the time to give her a diagnosis for whatever illness she was currently claiming (aside from eating disorders and depression, bi-polar and Asperger’s syndrome* were both claimed at various points). The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she was working at my family’s restaurant and had a “panic attack.”

Except that, as members of my family have suffered from them before, we’re all familiar with what panic attacks look like. This was not it. She crawled around on the dining room floor, making weird mewling noises, and when we finally got her out of there, she sat in a chair gasping for breath, moaning, and would start to grin every time someone looked at her. It was almost pornographic and bizarre.

Eventually, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Whether that’s truly what’s wrong with her or not, I’m not sure, but yes. I have seen people affect the symptoms of mental illnesses as tools for manipulation. Run away. Run far away.

  • She only claimed Asperger’s syndrome after we had watched an episode of Boston Legal together, in which it came up as a defense against attempted murder.
8

I’ve interacted with people online who eventually “disclosed” that they had uterine cancer, cervical cancer, brain cancer, suicidal ideation (with or without a plan), etc. My warning bells always went off at certain methods of disclosure, especially when the disclosure was manipulative, timed to coincide with something good or bad happening to another person on the site, or just…set off my former clinician spidey-senses.

I think that sometimes people have a form of Munchausen’s by Internet, and sometimes people do know that there are those out there (unfortunately) who feel drawn to rescue and take care of lost souls. If you (the general you) are one of those people - get a puppy, not an Internet hook-up :slight_smile:

9

Actually, I don’t think it would count as factitious disorder at all - one of the key differences between all the varieties of factitious disorder, and simple malingering, is that the patient will create the symptoms within either themselves, of someone in their care (for factitious disorder by proxy), often well enough to fool medical personnel. It’s not, AIUI an DSM IV standard, but for the most part I’ve never heard of nor seen an account of a genuine factitious disorder case of any stripe that didn’t cost the presenter far, far more than any rational estimate of the benefits they got might be.

A genuine factitious presenter, IMNSHO, when presenting suicidal tendencies will show up at the ER covered in blood from a serious, but not immediately life-threatening wound. Or a relatively minor OD. (Or at least what was planned to be a relatively minor OD, most people don’t realize how easy it is to burn out one’s liver with an OD suicide attempt, even if they do get their stomach pumped quickly.)

Sorry if I sound like I’m jumping on you, but I have done a bit of research on factitious disorders, and find that there is a lot of misinformation being spread about via TV and the internet, so I jump on a chance to try to educate a little. I think that genuine factitious disorder presenters (as long as they’re not by proxy) are some of the saddest mental health cases out there.

10

Actually, I have a background in clinical psychology with a specialty, both as a clinician and researcher, with adults with severe mental illness, and my original statement was facetious. I’ll be sure to use more smilies in the future to make that clearer!

11

Whoops. Coals to Newcastle, huh? My apologies.

I hope I didn’t present any bloopers, at least.

12

No problem, and I hope I didn’t come across as brandishing my degrees or anything. Goodness knows that there are people on this board who are able to post far more intelligently about my field than I would ever attempt!

13

I think this is a pretty cool turn of phrase. Stay tuned to future editions of the DSM… or perhaps…Band name!

14

We had that one poster who claimed to be transexual, and gave all this detail-only to find out it was totally made up, with all kinds of lies and various discrepancies. (I know I totally misspelled that)

15

Mild hijack here -

Why the heck should someone go and blow hundreds of gold worth of potions, repairs and what not to get almost all the way to the boss mob that probably has the tier whatever drop they need to upgrade, just to be asked to leave for the fight be nice about it?

Speaking from personal experience, I went to the trouble to respec, spend a couple of thousand in the auction house to get different gear to be told that I am not doing enough DPS and to sod off just before the boss fight … and the armor piece I needed for my tier 5 armor dropped. I was told by the way that my gear wasnt ‘good enough’ yet i was doing just about 10% less DPS than the raid mage in the guild … Cheesed off? Why yes. Everybody else in the raid had the tier 5 chest piece. I was the only one without it. Even the guy they replaced me with had it. At least I am a 375 alchemist and can make my own flasks.

I respecced back to soloing. They still ask me to donate flasks even though they dont want me raiding because of my gear but they wont bother grouping with me to get the gear because if they arent raiding they are PVPing. I wont donate flasks, because they wont bother helping me get gear by grouping but I will do their combines. I am just waiting for the GL to get back into the game [wife is having a bad pregnancy and he is taking care of the kids while she is in hospital waiting to pop out number 3. I dont begrudge him taking leave, I just wish he hadnt put a serious hard core raider in charge.]

16

People who would use mental illness as a social tool are the sort of people you really should worry about… because there is nothing socially advantageous to disclosing you have a mental illness. Psychological disorders are one of the most stigmatized conditions this culture encounters. It’s like he’s asking to be rejected. He must be some kind of masochist.

Still, the dude is definitely suffering, whether he’s suffering for attention or not, he’s still suffering. The deep-seated need for attention is a kind of suffering in and of itself.

I say this as someone who has dealt with varying degrees of this problem off and on. Sort of. I’m not a violent or touchy person in the same way, but I did struggle with social boundaries and still sometimes do, especially over the internet. You have to remember that some people never get to learn how to interact socially–and when they’re in mental crisis constantly (as this dude seems to be), they don’t have time to learn all those little ‘‘play nice’’ skills that everybody else has, because they are too busy trying to survive. If he’s genuinely suicidal then he is probably depressed, and depression is in its nature a self-centered affliction. You don’t think about other people and how they perceive you, you just scramble at every possible attempt to relieve the pain. So don’t take it personally.

Now if he doesn’t get off his ass and try to get better, I still have sympathy, but I’ll admit I don’t understand that. Eventually he’s going to have to come to terms with the fact that there are actual steps he can take to improve things, and it is his responsibility, and nobody else’s, to take those steps, if he really wants to stop suffering. He sounds like a mentally distressed individual who is also a tool. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

You are of course not obligated in any way to attempt to make him feel better or to take his problems on as your own. Ultimately his happiness is his own responsibility. I would hesitate to say that people ‘‘just do it for the attention’’ as if that makes the situation less pitiable and it implies they suffer any less. It’s also kind of lame to imply healthy people don’t want attention. This is why I dislike the term ‘‘attention whore.’’ Social foundations are in part built on the principle that it is human nature to crave attention from other people. There’s no shame in that, but there do need to be boundaries.

My instinct is to ignore the guy if you don’t want to deal with him, but try to lay off judging him, because anyone who would behave so erratically is in obvious pain.

17

If I remember correctly, there are a few cases where someone has said they were suicidal while playing MMOs to someone else, and that person then reports it to the developing company (Blizzard/Funcom/SoE/whatever). Afterwards, said person gets a knock on the door from the local authorities for a check-up.

More on topic, though, it seems like a lot of people who have social problems in general tend to have a self-destructive streak. Particularly people who can’t even get along amiably with others in a video game. It may be a tool, but it just might be one oriented towards a different goal than you first expect.

18

By way of WHY people do this, I offer up my ex-wife.

I’ve spoken of her often enough on this board. On SSDI (Social Security Disability Income) for Mental Illness. Or as I like to say, Certified by the Federal Government as being completely fucking nuts.

My ex was a Sympathy Vampire. She fed on the stuff. Her whole reason for living and mode of operation was to create drama in order to create sympathy. Wild stories, gross lies, false promises. Didn’t matter if the end result was that you fed her sympathy habit. Actually, all the better to feed her habit, because when you found out about the lies and tried to call her on it, she hadn’t done anything wrong (in her eyes) and you were being mean to her! Which of course, enabled her to get on the phone and go down the list of her friends in alphabetical order, crying about how mean the Monster of the Hour was being to her.

Sympathy is a Drug. It is not only highly addictive, but it masks other problems in your life, because it prevents people from being real with you, it prevents them from being sincere and truthful.

19

Whaa? When did this happen? (Forgive me, I used to avoid the Pit like the plague).

As for the OP, threatening suicide is the lowest of the low, and a pretty popular tactic among abusive boyfriends and girlfriends. It’s basically a guarantee of some sort of ongoing contact with whoever they tell.

20

I did know a guy who would, every night at 2am, call up a friend of mine and threaten suicide, expecting her to talk him down. She was probably 17 at the time and was not really equipped to deal with his manipulations. I can’t remember now how it resolved but he wasn’t actually interested in killing himself–he just wanted to control her or something.

A really odd thing happened to me once–I had a particular small group of friends that included a girl who had a huge crush on a guy (also in the group). One of her attention-getting tactics was that she claimed her grandfather was sexually abusing her (he wasn’t). Another was that she’d been having rectal bleeding. I found it a bit strange to use those particular scenarios to get the guy to pay attention to her, since they weren’t exactly calculated to make her more attractive. I still have no idea what that was about.