Your chances of being laid off are in direct proportion to how much more your new mortgage is than your old one.
Ratty looking underpants will always be worn the day you get into a car wreck.
Your kid will bring home a crappy report card the same week your parents are in for an overdue visit.
Either your colorist is a lame cutter or your cutter is a lame colorist. You can’t get both at the same time.
Uninsured packages will be lost by the post office. Insured packages will not be lost, therefore didn’t need to be insured in the first place.
Genius. Pure Genius.
Servers with meticulous weekly full backups and daily incremental backups, all tapes on a monthly rotation so it’s possible to get a file version from three weeks ago, never fail, thereby making the whole intricate effort of backup useless.
Servers with no backups at all will also never fail.
Servers that haven’t seen a backup tape in four months will fail ten minutes after someone realizes the backups are out of date.
If you have a cell phone, you will always receive a call, and possibly an important one, when you either leave it at home or turn the sound off for more than five minutes.
bamf
A dropped piece of peanut butter toast (or a pizza) will always land face-down.
On the day you’re in a hurry to get out of work, your computer will crash while you’re trying to shut it down.
The cable modem will start working again as soon as the cable guy knocks on the door.
Your car will be cured of its problem just by pulling into the Repair Places parking lot, but you will have to pay at least $75 to the mechanic to tell you nothing is wrong with it. This method also works with going to the Doctor’s office as well.
If you go to the doctor when you are sick you are told “It’s nothing. Suck it up” in doctor’s speak. However, if you are well and get a physical, they will find something wrong with you.
If you have a cold, you can take over the counter medicines and be better in 10 days or so. Or you can go to the doctor’s office, get a script for antibiotics and be better in 10 days or so.
There will be nothing interesting on TV for months. Until you go on vacation and then everything on at the hotel is interesting.
Good one! 
If you have seen only one episode of a popular, long-lived TV series in your life (i.e. Seinfeld), and happen to see an episode of the show in syndication, it will be a rerun of the single episode you have already seen.
How does that happen?
Unless it’s raining where you’re on vacation, and then of course, there will be nothing worth watching on TV.
The local taxi people are super reliable except when that’s what you were counting on.
The awfulness of a person’s taste in music is directly proportional to the loudness of their in-car music system.
A day taken off work to wait for a delivery man consists of 7 hours and 57 minutes waiting patiently by the door and 3 minutes when you have to attend to a major bowel movement. The guy will show up during these 3 minutes, push a ‘We tried to deliver…’ card thru the door and leave.
Flights are delayed except when this would actually be convenient.
There is always one more PIN or password you need to learn.
The depth of your commitment to a given format equals the rapidity with which the industry invents a much better one. Applies to music, computers and all forms of home entertainment.
The bug is always nearer than the spray that will take care of it.
People who run book stores have a magical way to fill every inch of their 5 miles of shelving with books that don’t interest you.
Clumsiness is directly proportional to your desire to impress your date.
All foodstuffs conspire to thwart romance.
VCRs know the exact moment to quit recording so as to cause you maximum frustration, bewilderment and grief. Applies especially to movies on TV where the big surprise ending is all.
In general, you know two distinct types of people: the ones you’d like to hang out with this weekend, and the ones who are free.
One for the guys only: the degree of shrinkage is directly proportional to the embarassment this can cause.
The best performing stock on the planet will tank as soon as you buy 500 shares on line. And it will never quite recover to the break-even point until you sell it. Then it will take off like a scalded cat.
They will run out of the only edible food on the flight just before reaching your seat. All that will be left is toasted oyster testicles in mung bean sauce.
Buying a hot stock that has been recommended by numerous sources ( TV, radio, friends) will immediately cause this stock to tank. Ignoring the stock picks of your slightly delusional janitor or creepy garbage man will result in the stock taking off like a scalded cat.
Even though you have a cordless phone, it will be in the farthest part of the house ringing, when you are on the toilet.
When you are prancing about your house/apartment merrily in your underwear listening to your feel-good music of your youth, singing along, you will have an unexpected visitor (usually the UPS Guy)see and hear this repellant display.
Panty hose failure happens at the most inopportune times.
When you need a paper clip, they go into hiding. When you don’t need one, they are everywhere. Kinda like deer hunting.
When someone introduces you to a new person saying, " She’s so funny." Your mind will go blank for the rest of the night on anything witty and you will never ever be witty around that person.
Pull one weed out of the garden, twenty more take its place.
Replace or repair an appliance and a faithful long-serving appliance instantly becomes jealous and starts malfunctioning. Then another. Until it is a revolution a against you and your pocket book.
If you ever pay off all your debts. All your credit card statements. All Your car payments and college loans. Something financially catastrophic will happen like Transmission failure; freezer dies a leaky death all over your wood floors which then they have to be replaced but not before you noticed it leaked right through to the basement where your computer and records are kept and eveyrthing is ruined. No Debt-No Peace. Know Debt - Know Peace.