“Stop or I’ll knock your heads together.”
In response to what’s for dinner “Hen’s teeth on toast”
“I’m not made of money”
“What’s that noise you listen to?”
“What do you do on the computer for so long?”
“Shouldn’t you be revising?”
“Put the kettle on!”
[And, when I’ve got ninety-seven percent in a test]
“What happened to the other three percent?”
Just remembered another. If we went to mom and whined “I’m thirsty!” she’d reply “I’m Loretta. Nice to meet you, Thirsty!”
“If you don’t stop that right now, I’m going to pull this car over and start beating kids, and I don’t care whose they are.” This was reserved for when my brother or I had a friend or two in the car adding to the ruckus.
My mom would reply “I’m Friday.”
“What part of NO did you not understand?”
“You’re wearing THAT? I don’t think so, young lady, back upstairs and put on some clothes that have more cloth.” Not heard til I was around 15.
Reiteration of previous post: “When you have kids, I hope they act JUST LIKE YOU!” I can report, this curse works.
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a THOUSAND TIMES…”
“Your little brother is not a dog, and putting a leash on him will not make me get one for you.”
To my own kids:
“QUIT BICKERING!! Nobody talk to anybody else for the rest of the trip!” Every damn road trip.
“Touch it and die.” The remote belongs to mama Maureen.
“When you buy the stereo, you can choose what station we listen to. And I will listen to it without complaint.” This will come back to bite me in the ass, I just know it.
“I’m proud of you. You did good.” I try to say it often.
“I’m glad I had you.” ditto.
Lessee…
“Stop it or I’ll rip off your arm and beat you over the head with the wet end!”
In response to my sister and I fighting in the car: “Shut up. Sit still. Face forward. And do not. DO NOT! Think. About. Elephants.” We’d be so busy thinking about pachyderms just to defy her, we’d totally forget about fighting.
Whenever her and Dad would go out for the evening, and we’d ask where they were going: “Crazy. Wanna come?”
When I was in my constant questions phase of childhood I would ask “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do we cook food?” “Why do cats have hair and we don’t?” and other stuff like that all day. My Mom would finally yell:
“If you ask ‘why’ one more time, I’m going to scream!”
To which I would respond: “Why are you going to scream, Mommy?”
And then there was the “When I was your age” stuff, as in:
“When I was your age kids who talked back to their parents got a whipping!”
“When I was your age I was reading Shakespeare, what are you doing still reading Dr. Seuss?”
“We are not going to McDonald’s for the fifth time in a week. Quit whining. When I was your age we didn’t even have McDonald’s!” (The revelation that there was no McDonald’s in my parent’s day was quite a shock to me.)
“She’s in trouble because she started it, and YOU’RE in trouble because you should KNOW BETTER!”
“Everyone keep your HANDS to your SELVES!”
“You do NOT get anything you whine for.”
Mom: “And if everyone else was jumping off of a cliff…”
Me: “… I’d ask them to put their life insurance policies in my name.”
No, no, no, it’s “Nice to meet you Thursday, I’m Friday. Come over Saturday and we’ll go out for a Sunday.” (Thanks to my aunt, but it was her mom-ism.)
Me, whinging: “She started it!”
Mum: “And I’ll finish it!”
I use this one on my own kids too.
Or she used to say:
Me: “She started it!”
Mum: “Who’s SHE - the cats mother?” (I never really understood this one, other than the fact that she didn’t like me saying “she”!)
“This is why we can’t have nice things!”
No one mentioned this one yet?
I’ll noun used as a verb you!
For example:
“Mom, can I have a cookie?”
“I’ll cookie you!”
“Goodness your ceiling is neat!” (trying to give me the hint I should clean up my room)
“I don’t know why I bother buying groceries, you kids just eat them!”
“I’ll slap a slat out from under you!”
“Don’t give my any of your lip, Lady Jane!”
I’m gonna kill one of you as an example to the rest!
Yes, we had a large family - Mom felt like she had spares 
Yep. I also got, “99th percentile? Why weren’t you in the 100th percentile?”
I’m still bitter. :dubious:
“Take your brother out of the laundry hamper this instant.”
Oddly enough, she had to bust that one out twice. I was a mean oldest sibling. She was also forced to say:
“Why did you let your brother stick his fingers in the electric outlet?” And “Why didn’t you tell me that your sister needed her diaper changed?”
That last one came just after a truly spectacular piece of performance art. My only excuse was that I was 5, and heck, how am I supposed to know that the baby has a full diaper? Because she’s crying? She’s always crying. I’m five. I have better things to do than watch the baby. This led to:
“Where did you get those matches?”
My Mom’s 65[sup]th[/sup] birthday is this coming Monday. I need to get her something really good.
(after lots of "Mom… Mom… Moooooommmm… MOM!)
“She doesn’t live here anymore!”
“Give me that, uh, bucket.” (She has a thing for buckets. Every container is a bucket.)
Kids: “What are we having for dinner?”
Mom: “Mommy Surprise.”
"Quantum Weather Butterfly, get over here! NOW! (A sure sign that the recipient is in deep guano)
“You can’t find something to do? Okay. QB, you dry the dishes and Quantum Sister will put them away.”
“I love you, honey.” :
: 
I actually drew in breath, said, “Oh my God” and looked at where you’re from, to make sure it wasn’t my sister posting here.
Also, of course:
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.
I brought you into this world, I can take you out, too.
oh, also:
As long as you’re living under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
If you don’t like it, then leave.
(Oh, shit, I seemed to have tapped into the bitter vein. Best to stop now.)