Mom-isms

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Similarly, my mom: “Who [ate the last of something, left the light on, moved this, broke that, whatever]?” [Well, mom, there are only two people in the house…]

“Where do you get language like that?!” [Uh…from you?]

“I don’t want to hear ONE WORD!” [“One word!”]

“Your teeth are gonna rot right out of your head!” [Unfortunately, this almost came true.]

“You’re gonna waste away to nothing/You’re gonna get FAT!” [Nice mixed message.]

[After looking at a “bad” report card, meaning one that wasn’t all A+] “So whaddya gonna do when you grow up? Gonna be a hooker, or work at the five and dime?” [“Well, hooker, of course: the hours are better!”]

82

Oh! Oh! I can’t believe I forgot this, nor that no one else has posted it, because I know my mom’s not the only one who’s ever said it:

“Do you have to go to the BATHROOM?” [loudly, in front of as many other people as possible, bonus points if one or more are people you want to impress]

83

Heh… more like 15 years ago and nearer (I’m 20). I’m already finding silver in my hair and I’m only 3 months pregnant!

84

Well, some of my mom’s favorites are already represented here, but here’s one I often heard:

(spoken when I said I wanted something) “Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which hand fills up faster!”

Another one was: “I may not always like the things you do, but I always love you!”

85

“Don’t make me say this again.”

“If I have to tell you one more time…”

“I don’t care who started it! I’m finishing it!”

“Don’t smart off to me, little girl!” (I was “little girl” to both my parents whenever I’d said/done anything wrong.)

I remember once, at about seven years old, when we were on vacation, we were stuck in the hotel room for some reason or other and I said something smartass–being the kid who rarely did the wrong thing, but almost always said it–and my mother just reared her hand back and slapped me.

I don’t know who was more surprised. She was still furious but I could tell she’d shocked herself; I was so surprised I don’t even remember crying.

I wish I could remember what the hell I’d said. :smiley:

86

Beat this one:

“If you have to reach into the disposal unit, use your right hand.”

87

Some I currently use:

Get off of the roof NOW - I’m too tired to drive to the emergency room today.

Add it to your list of things to sue me over when you turn 18.

(when threatening to run away if they don’t get what they want) So, do you need any help packing?

Stop that now or you’ll be grounded for life.

I’ve changed my name - it’s no longer Mom - it’s Gertrude and you’re too cool to know somone named Gertrude so GO AWAY.

If you’re going to fight, don’t bleed in the kitchen.

What! Are your hands broken? Get it yourself!

When you start paying the house note you can make the rules.

88

My Mom thought all her kids had vision problems.

What do I look like? A bank?

What do I look like? A maid?

What do I look like? A taxi?

89

The kitchen’s closed! (when someone’s late for dinner and asks her to get them food)

I’m gonna beat you kids! (said teasingly when we’re being smartmouths… she never did)

On the same theme as Big_Norse’s mom…
How can you read in here? Turn on a light, you’ll ruin your eyes reading in the dark.

Stop teasing your sister!

That’s why your Dad and I had kids, free labor. (said when we complain about chores)
As well as many, many of those mentioned by other posters…

90

Pretty amazing how many of these my Mom used too. I keep having flashbacks to my childhood, hearing my Mom’s voice. . .must. . .erase. . . .memory…

91

“When I was your age I walked to school in the snow.” I was really impressed, too, until I visited her hometown and saw how close the school was to her house.

Then again she’s probably the only mom who ever argued that her daughter should show MORE cleavage. Guess she thought I was repressed.

I do miss my mom.

92

I’ll take that as a hug, and thank you for it. :slight_smile:

That reminds me of something else my mom occasionally says, most memorably at a high school I was looking to go to (in front of important school officials… think vice-principal and teachers)"

“Well, did you empty yourself?” (after I’d asked where the bathroom could be found, and had availed myself of the necessary facilities)

F_X

93

Household retort:

“I’m going to cut you from the Will!”

At last count, I’ve been cut off at least 50 times; my little sister - 6. Oh, the above lines are usually accompanied by phases like:
“I AM going to take it with me!”
“I’m going to give it to the church! [which is ROTL’ish stuff, since we’re pretty much athetists]”
“We give it all to the dog!”

Since I’ve left home I started using the line “I’ll sent you to a public nursing home!”

94

I hope these will maybe bring a smile or even a chuckle to some other dopers; remembering them today is helping me to cope with the loss of my Mom (her funeral will be Saturday).

My Mom had what we kids used to call Remote Possibility Disaster (RPD): that is, she could take the most unlikely situation and turn it, in her head, into some possible disaster. And even though logically she knew how unlikely it was to happen, she really believed that it would! The one RPD incident that has been talked about for years in our family happened one summer while on vacation (I was in college and wasn’t there, unfortunately!). My mother’s brother and sister-in-law were visiting with their two small children, the youngest (a boy) was about 5 or 6. My young cousin was staying in a room with my two youngest brothers (who were probably about 13-14 at that time), and as they were going to sleep for the night, Mom came in and told one of my brothers, “You’d better close that window over ****'s (my cousin’s name not revealed to protect the innocent LOL) bed, because he might fall out of the window, roll down the roof, onto the ground, down onto the dock and into the water and DROWN.” And she was completely serious! And the clincher is…the window sill was about five inches -above- the bed! I don’t know how my cousin could have been able to do all that and reach the water without waking up, but my Mom was convinced it could happen. Naturally, my brother closed the window.

Another year at Christmas, my Mom had taken great care to hide all the presents; they had been wrapped and everything already, but my youngest brother always seemed to be able to sniff out her hiding places, and he found them all, and knew what everyone was getting. That made my Mom so angry when she found out that she said, “Merry Christmas, Ho Ho HO!” in a very angry, sarcastic tone and needless to say, it was not a happy time in the house, at least for a while. But for years afterwards, whenever someone would do something selfish, we’d all say “Merry Christmas, Ho Ho HO!” rolling our eyes and laughing. At least my Mom could laugh about her quirks. Most of the time, that is. :slight_smile:

Thanks for letting me share.

95

[mom] You kids will be the death of me [/mom]

Retief

96

Our mom also seemed to have the eye obsession:
“turn on a light, you will ruin your eyes reading in this light”

another fear of hers was about walking or running with something in your mouth:

'dont run with a … in your mouth, you will end up with it stuck in your brain"

“don’t …” usually followed by a crash. My favourite painfull memory is of when I was about 7 or so was of saying " watch me, I’m Tarzan" then jumping from the banister to grab the hanging light fixture in the hall, which of course led to me lying on the floor with the light in my hands.

this led of course to her favourite: “you kids will be the death of me” whatever happened we all seemed to share the blame. Of course she survived bring up us kids, it was alzhimers that got her, rest her soul. Although I moved out at age 19 and we saw one another only intermittently until she died 6 years ago, I still miss her.

on appearance:
“handsome is as handsome does”

on attitude:
“dont you give me any of that lip, young man”

“if you don’t take your nose out of the book, you will turn into a bookworm”

“why dont you kids go outside and play, the sun is splitting the rocks” (every time the sun came out for 5 minutes, we grew up in one of the wettest damn places in the world, St. John’s Newfoundland)

and of course,
“haste makes waste” - when in too much of a hurry
“time & tide wait for no man” - when late or too slow
“a stitch in time saves nine” - when putting off something
“faint heart neer won fair lady” - when too shy
“spare the rod & spoil the child” - usually about other peoples (unrully) kids
“public demonstrations of affection are not in good taste” - I can’t remember mom & dad hugging, kissing or hanging on one another at all, but looking at the old family albums I see that they did, we just never paid any attention to it, strange. In any case they did not approve of such goings-on in public.

I would say that mom used about 90% of the sayings already mentioned in this thread at one time or another, and that I probably used 60% of them on my own sons when they were growing up. (Funny it was like an echo, it would pop out of my mouth and then I could hear my mom saying it in memory)

[slight hijack] dad used to say:
“stick to your guns”
“if you could buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth you would be the richest SOB on the planet”

  • usually applied to some politican or other.
    [/slight hijack]
    Retief
97

“Why didn’t you call to say you’d be late getting home? For all I knew, you were dead in a ditch somewhere.” This was when I was still living at home.

After I moved out it became, “We haven’t heard from you in a week. For all we knew you were dead in a ditch somewhere.” I don’t know what it is with mom and the ditches.

“You got in there, you can get yourself out.” The standard reply to, “Mommy, Mommy! I’m stuck!” in the hamper, the dryer, the closet, the attic, etc.

“You’ll live.” Standard reply to any injury not requiring an immediate trip to the ER.

98

“Close the door, we’re not heating the whole neighborhood.”

“if you can lean, you can clean”

“Well it don’t hurt to want”.

“My nerves are shot”.

“Well now you are both in trouble cause you stood right there and let them do it” This was said whenever someone tattled on another.

Whenever she was saving an ingredient for some recipe—“That food is not for eating”.

and my favorite

“if it was up your butt you’d know where it was”

99

Imagine these said with a Bavarian accent:

Vott do you think you are doing? In response to being caught committing some trivial sin in her eyes.

Put on you ski west: She meant vest.

Anytime we had a cold: Drink some bra (she meant broth, but for some reason couldn’t get the “th” sound out. It drove me bonkers!

This is just re-dick-a-las. Nope, she couldn’t pronounce ridiculous correctly either.

The curse of the kids line (and yes it happened)

I’ll always love you, no matter what.

I’m proud of you.

What I say now:

In response to “Whats for dinner”-Cat turds rolled in used kitty litter and deep fried. Or, “Food” or, “whatever YOU’RE cooking”

I don’t want to hear it-in response to any spat

Tone! You had better watch your tone young lady/young man!-In response to sassing.

How many times do I…usual response from smartass kids-Oh, at least a thousand.

Pick that up now! (Usually after I’ve told kids to pick something up 20 times in the last 20 minutes

1-2-I had better not reach 3.

You want some cheese with that “whine”?

I love you (numerous times throughout the day)

I’m proud of you.

I told you could do it!

You’re capable of doing anything you put your mind and effort to doing.

100

“I’m not mad…just disappointed.”