I suppose this is going to make me come off like a selfish little bitch, but I have come to loathe and dread speaking to my mother.
I understand that she has had an extremely bad last few years, dealing with her husband’s (my father’s) extended illnesses and finally his death this past February. She’s dealing with two elderly cats, the older of which she knows should be put to sleep but she can’t bear the thought of taking him in. She has long-standing health issues (arthritis amongst others) and was recently diagnosed as being in the early stages of macular degeneration.
But dammit, I have my own problems to deal with. I have job stress, my own health issues and other things going on and I simply cannot serve as her therapist. But every time she calls, we spend at least 30 minutes going over the same exact territory (her problems) that we went over the last time, plus updates, and she ends up crying. I get off the phone and I’m just numb. I can’t take the emotional overload and I just shut down.
There’s a message from her on my machine from last night. I knew instinctively that it was her and I could not handle a second crying jag in two days. I’m guessing she’s calling to tell me that she finally had the cat put to sleep and will tell me again how guilty she feels about it.
Mom, please, find a therapist to unload on. I can’t stand much more.
OK, we had our political issues elsewhere. Those aren’t relevant here.
Does she have any friends or a church or any kind of a support group? Do you have any other relatives who could help her?
If all she has is you, then what else is she supposed to do? So for your best interests and hers, it might be worth it for you to contact some agencies or groups which could help her, even if only by providing her with someone to talk with. Yes, it might take some of your time & resources, but not as much as if you’re her only shoulder.
I don’t think it makes you come off like a selfish little bitch- you’ve only shirked your responsibility once- but it is your responsibility unless you’ve got siblings.
She’s your mother, she brought you into this world, she cares for you more than anyone else, ever, etc.
If Otto’s mum is like mine, she’ll simply refuse to acknowledge that anybody else may be of help, or even that she’s using Otto to vent. She’s not venting, she’s not complaining, she’s just communicating with Otto!
The notion that Otto might also have stuff to “communicate” doesn’t cross Mum’s mind, nor the notion that Otto lost a father on the same day as Otto’s Mum lost a husband.
Shortly after Dad died, one of our parish priests told Mom to be careful, as he’d seen many widows try to replace their husbands with one of their children. She came home huffing and puffing, “does he think I’ll mistake Littlebro” (the one who looks most like Dad) “and your father?” No, Mom: he thinks you’ll expect me, your daughter, to carry you over puddles.
This might come off as a tad bit selfish but you could also share your problems and concerns with her. If she is the type of person who calls frequently to complain or release her frustrations you can one day, before she starts going on and on about her problems, talk about yours.
In effect, do what she does to you, to her. You may want to this a couple of times, but try not to come out as being too obvious in your intent, and maybe she´ll “get” it.
At worst it won´t stop her from complaining, but you might feel better about your own issues, as unloading problems often does. At best she might understand what she´s doing (or she might get tired of talking with you) and then she´ll stop with this.
Having played the devil´s advocate. I should also point out what the previous posters have said about your mum.
It’s completely normal to be frustrated and a bit fed-up. My aunt used to and still does this. Every other phone call ends up with both of us in tears because she insists on rehashing the past - how she never got married, how life has been so unfair to her, etc. And it’s true, life has been singularly unfair to her, but whining never did anything. Life has been pretty unfair to me too but I do my best not to whine as it only brings me down.
During my mom’s long illness, one or the other of my siblings would frequently call to update me. It was always bad news, and I expected such, but it was still depressing. Then the sibling would proceed to give me a long “organ recital” about his or her own health problems and employment problems. It got so I started dreading the sound of a phone ringing. After any conversation with them, I’d feel depressed and despairing for days.
You’re right, it’s essentially being used as a therapist, but without being able to maintain a professional distance.
Hey Otto, you are not being selfish. But you need to change the pattern of your relationship with your mom before it’s so bad you don’t talk to her at all.
I’ve needlessly assumed your mom lives near you, and found http://www.cityofmadison.com/commserv/CommunitySeniors.html You might take her to one of their health screenings, as that might get her in touch with a grief counselor.
I have an older brother but I’m reluctant to talk about this with him because I don’t want him to view me as a selfish little bitch either. She does go to church, I’m not sure how frequently since Dad died, and is close with the pastor. Last time we talked she said something about her circle shrinking and that she felt people were expecting her to get over it, so I don’t know how much she can talk with her friends about it.
Oh, she knows about my problems and asks about them, but the calls are about 90-10 her problems vs. mine. And she’s also aware of what she’s doing because she apologizes for it at least once per call.
One thing I need to do is get in touch with the hospice where my dad died and see if they have a grief counselor she could see. My own therapist suggested this at my last appointment but I don’t know the name of the hospice and I don’t want to ask my mother. I’m sure I can Google it though.
