Mommy, look at the fat man!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Kind of long…

I took my daughter to the store with me Sunday night to rent a movie and as we’re checking out the videos she points and says, “Mommy, look at that fat man.” He was at the far end of the store so I don’t think he heard her but I told her to hush her mouth and don’t say that again. We got our video and went out to the car. Here’s our conversation.

Me: Why did you point at that man in the store?

Daughter: Because he’s fat

Me: You shouldn’t do that. You may have hurt that man’s
feelings.

Daughter: But he’s fat mommy.

Me: Just who taught you to point out fat people?

Daughter: My dad does it. (Dad is my ex-husband!)

Me: Well, your dad shouldn’t be doing that either. It’s not nice at all.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Because, when you say mean things about people you hurt their feelings and make them feel bad.

Daughter: Why?

Me: Do you like it when Dakota calls you names? (Dakota is a bratty boy at the babysitters who likes to call my daughter stupid and tells her things like, “Your mommy’s stupid.” Good thing he’s leaving the daycare in a few weeks!)

Daughter: No.

Me: Does he make you feel bad?

Daughter: Yes

Me: Do you like to feel that way?

Daughter: No.

Me: Well, that’s why we don’t say mean things about people. We don’t want to make anyone feel bad about themselves.

Daughter: OK mommy.

That was pretty much it. I really wanted to tell her more than I did but since she’s 3 1/2 I thought this was enough. She’s never said anything like this before and I know she’s not learning it from our house so I wonder if my ex really is teaching her this shit. I know that kids pick up on adults behavior so it wouldn’t surprise me a bit. He knows that my SO’s mom is a big lady and he’s probably hoping my daughter will say something like this to her!

So, did I handle this good enough for a 3 year old to understand? I hope I did. Is there anything else I should have done?

2

IANAM, I think you handled it beautifully, Rachelle!

3

It could have been worse.

The guy could have had a beeper that went off, prompting your daughter to say…

“Watch out, Mom, he’s backing up!” :smiley:

BTW, I think you handled it well.

4

It sounds like you did really well. IMHO, one of the best ways to teach someone what NOT to do or do is to teach them the Golden Rule.

5

I think you did great! I think (and I’m childless, so this could be BS) that it’s important that you don’t just tell kids not to do something - you tell them why doing that something would be wrong. And you did that. It’s not nice to make others feel bad, no matter who else does it, and hopefully you’ve ingrained that in your child’s brain. Good work!

6

…as a “fat man” trying really hard to get skinny, I would like to thank you on behalf of all of us fat people. You done good, Mom! It sounds like if he had overheard your daughter, you would have apologized profusely to him, right?

Quasi

7

Thanks so much everyone! I’ve always dreaded the day that one of my kids would say something like this and I hoped I would say the right thing to them.

And Quasimodem, if that man had been in hearing range I most certainly would have apologized. Just like I apologized to the man who said “hi” to my 20 month old son to which my son replied, “Hi F**ker.” :eek: He’s been confusing his S and F lately… it’s horrifying! I really try to watch my mouth around the kids and my SO has admitted to letting this word fly in front of the boy (when a car cut him off!) so it’s all his fault. <hee hee> It’s not funny… but it is!

8

Rachelle for the most part, you did fine. Please accept the following as a gentle ‘I’ve been there’ reminder:

As the former spouse of a world class idiot/jerk/asshole, I have learned (not always sucessful) to be very careful about my comments about my ex in front of our son.

Your ex is obviously still a part of her life, and it is difficult for little ones to understand that grown ups they adore may be less than perfect.

Perhaps a different approach “Oh, really? I’m sure he didn’t realize that the person might hear him” or something like that, which would allow the lesson ‘don’t be rude to people’ come across without the additional “mommy said daddy did a bad thing” (which can be detrimental).

I’ve learned with my son to be very very careful about how I present anything about his dad - and trust me, through the years, I’ve had plenty of experience in biting my tongue.

again, this is not meant to cause you pain or to say that you really screwed up, just a suggestion to be very aware of how your comments about her dad can be heard through little ears.

I commend you for the whole approach on the fat issue, though, too. In my experience, it is the very best of parents tend to ask ‘did I do ok?’
:slight_smile:

9

I was once, as toddlerpunha, at a social function with my mother. This man comes by and I just cannot tell if he is a boy or a girl. So I ask him “Are you a boy or a girl?” (pronouns added because I know now).

My mother blushes a shade of red somewhere near overripe strawberry and starts to apologize like I just offended Jesus. The man answers “I’m a boy. What are you?”

I reply, very happily, “I’m a boy!”

Hoo boy:-)

10

Seems pretty handled to me. No use of:
why?
just because!
…which will score you more and more points on the Kid-O-Meter as years go by (even if it’s not verbalized, the point-count does tick upwards). Explanation brought immediately into an appropriate level of analogy, more points. About the only post-game commentary I can see is that you could have avoided the “where did you learn that?” early tangent, which can have a small-to-large variable negative effect on the Kid-O-Meter Parental Opinion System if you make a habit of it.

11

I’m gonna kill ya, Dire Wolf, as soon as I stop laughing.

Rach, ya done fine. I’ve had kids come up to me and say “You’re fat!” I have to agree, but leave the lectures to their parents. My favorite was the kid in front of me at the cash register at Walmart who got up the guts to ask, “Were you in ‘Jurassic Park’?” On the one hand, the kid was obviously in awe of the “movie star” she was meeting. On the other hand, I know she didn’t think I was Sam Neill. However, according to my daughter, I look more like Eric from “That 70’s Show” gone to hell than I do like Wayne Knight. :wink:

12

I don’t think it was wrong to ask her where she learned that from. If she would have said “Grandma” I would have told her the very same thing… “Your Grandma shouldn’t be doing that either. It’s not nice at all.” I’ve never said anything bad about her Dad in front of her because I know that she loves him and she’ll always love him no matter what I think about him. But if he continues teaching her bad things like that I will have a talk with him about it.

I know she’s still young but this is the age when kids form lots of opinions and they imitate the actions of those around them… especially their parents. I don’t want her to imitate her dad’s lame ass way of putting down people for their physical traits. She needs to know that she should accept everybody for who they are, not what they look like. If I can instill that in her at this age then maybe she will carry it around with her for the rest of her life and, hopefully, be a better person for it.

13

You certainly did the right thing, but bear in mind that kids don’t always know, starting out, how people are going to take what they say. As iamphuna pointed out. Once, when I was about six, I went with my mom to a church members’ house. There was always something baking in this house, or at least something cooling on the counter, so I highly looked forward to visits. On arrival, I said brightly, “This house always smells like cornbread!” Somehow our hostess heard only, “This house smells”, and it took a while to get her to understand my true meaning. But it was a compliment!