A duck!
Dinsdale!
Old woman!
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can’t afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don’t know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she’s had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone’s surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you’ve got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, the dead crab she said, she said. Well, her sister’s gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they’ve got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don’t they, I mean you can’t, can you, I mean they’re not even married or anything, they’re not even divorced, and he’s in the KGB if you ask me, he says he’s a tree surgeon but I don’t like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother’s been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don’t you talk to me about bladders, I said…
Look, we’ll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.
He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire.
What’s this, then? “Romanes Eunt Domus?” People called Romanes, they go the house?
Oochy coochy. Look at him laughing… ooh, he’s a chirpy little fellow. Isn’t he a chirpy little fellow, eh? Eh? Does he talk? Does he talk, eh?
He took a warm interest in Boys’ Clubs, Sailors’ Homes, Choristers’ Associations, Scouting Jamborees and of course the Household Cavalry.
It’s not him.
Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
Run away! Run away!
Those flowers are for Sergeant Lauderdale - from the gentleman waiting outside.
Stop that! Stop that! It’s silly!
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which they called ‘The Gang,’ and used terror to take over nightclubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and racetracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they were, for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat.
This is Side Two! If you want to play the record from the beginning, please turn over! Do NOT play this side, if you want Side One! THIS IS SIDE TWO!
I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
The Piranhas realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding and I decided on a subtle approach, viz some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they’d gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats.
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day’s the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.