That was not five minutes just now.
'Tis a… er… 'tis a story of a man’s great love for his… fellow men.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man. Good morning, madam, I’m a psychiatrist.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble, give a whistle!
And this’ll help things turn out for the best
And… always look on the bright side of life…!
(Just read a book about the 1982 Falklands War, which included an incident in which a squad of Royal Marines, exhausted, carrying far too much gear and soaked to the skin in a driving rainstorm, threw their arms around one another and sang “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life”).
'Tis but a scratch!
Look, all I want you to do is change the wife, say the words, blah, blah, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
You took out the tummy reference, then?
These Germans … we’re going to show them that no British soldier will descend to their level. Anyone found trivialising this war will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide.
I like a nice dance, you’re forced to!
[The audience members at the back of the crowd are having trouble hearing the Sermon on the Mount.]
Man: I think it was, “Blessed are the cheesemakers”!
Gregory’s wife: What’s so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.
I’m only wiping the cat’s do’s off.
It’s just a flesh wound.
Anyway.
You ARE a bloody milkman!
Oh, thank you, dear…you know, it’s a funny thing, dear…all the naughty words sound woody.
Can you imagine what it’s like, cutting the same hair for five years?
MUFFIN: Ah! Hello, Duckie.
SERGEANT DUCKIE: Hello, sir. How are you?
MUFFIN: I’m fine thanks. How are you?
DUCKIE: Well, sir, I’m a little bit moody today, sir.
MUFFIN: Why’s that, Duckie?
(music)
DUCKIE: Because…
I’m a little bit sad and lonely.
Now my baby’s gone away.
I’m feeling kinda blue.
I don’t know just what to do.
I feel a little sad today.
CHORUS OF POLICE CONSTABLES: He’s a little bit sad and lonely.
Now his baby’s gone away.
He’s feeling kinda blue.
(He don’t know) just what to do.
He’s not feeling so good today.
DUCKIE: Wheeeeen I smile,
The sun comes flooding in.
CHORUS: Da da da da da da da da.
DUCKIE: Wheeeeen I’m sad,
It goes behind the clouds again.
DUCKIE and CHORUS: I’m (He’s) a little bit sad and lonely.
Well (Now) my (his) baby’s gone away.
I’m (He’s) feeling kinda–
Etcetera; etcetera.
Stop that! It’s silly! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it’s just got silly!
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I’m sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow. Introme tolose mylow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment.